Tag: suicide ideation

to go on living a life you don’t want to live

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

It’s wicked cold out today. I was going to go to the store to buy some half and half but I think I will wait till tomorrow. I can get my coffee at Starbucks before I meet up with my cousin for lunch. But that means no coffee for today and I am kind of grumpy.

I wanted to work on my book today but I think I am vetoing that idea. I just don’t have the brain power to do it. I was also thinking of working on this paper I conjured up but even the ideas for that have slipped out of thin air. I just can’t get motivated today. I know it’s because I haven’t had coffee in two days. I should steal my sister’s car and go out to Starbucks. But that would involve getting dressed and such. I am rather comfy in my bed right now. I don’t want to leave comfy confines for a freezing, windy day. Amazing to think how much coffee controls our lives. I know some people can’t handle it because of its side effects. But to know the true joy of having that first sip of coffee…that is profoundly so good. Unless you don’t have it because you are too friggen lazy to get out of bed and get half and half. Grrrrr. I am denying myself joy because of laziness. And now I am cold and need my long sleeved shirt…

OK enough about coffee. I am not getting it today because I am lazy. Enough said. I am having an argument with myself on my own blog about coffee…jeez this is funny! Or boring.

I have a ton of books to read but have not picked one up since I ended Team of Rivals. I just have the indecision factor going on because I have so many books to read I can’t choose which one to read. Do I want something about Lincoln again, the revolutionary war, the battles of the civil war, or a book about madness and creativity? I actually did start reading the madness and creativity one. But I usually have two books going at the same time. I don’t know why that is. I also have a book on bipolar disorder that I haven’t read since it came out. It’s probably outdated by now as they have newer treatments available. The book was written around the time when only Lithium, tegretol, and Depakote were the standards of treatment. Now they have much more to help.

I have been thinking about what I want to do for the month of December. It is going to be weird because I had set a date in December to kill myself and now it doesn’t look like that is going to be the case. I didn’t plan on having another birthday. I didn’t plan on seeing another new year come in. This sucks. Now what do I do? I plan on being a scrooge for my birthday. No extended family members allowed. Just the parents, my sisters, and their kids. My birthday is close to Christmas and I usually get shafted with gifts anyways. I always get one for each. I hate this time of the year. When people started posting the dates of Christmas getting closer, I unfriended them. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to have my wall filled up with the joy I never feel. I never feel happy at Christmas. I am always sad. I have thought of taking my life since I was nine around my birthday. Maybe one year I will succeed in doing it but not this year. And that to me hurts more than anything else, to go on living a life you don’t want to live.

nothing man

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

“she loves him// she doesn’t want to leave this way// she needs him that’s why she’ll be back again”. Better Man, Pearl Jam

This is how therapy goes with me. I need it, she needs me.

****Warning might be triggering****

I was thinking about writing a story about my suicidal thoughts and I think I have it all set. Here goes:

He cuts the length of rope that needs, enough to cover the bed and his neck. He doesn’t know why they don’t sell a smaller rope size. 250 feet is really too long to do the deed for such a small space. All he needed was about 50 or so feet. If they sold it in bulk, he would have asked for that but the Home Depot didn’t. Somerville Lumber did. How he misses working in that store. He misses the people more than he did the regular customers that really kept the business alive.

He figures out the length and then carefully double knots everything so it stays in place. All attention to detail must be made. The biggest fear he has is that the bed will come with him as he hangs out the window. It is a cold day today. Maybe he should put on some heavier clothing, he wonders then laughs at the idea. He hopes God will forgive him as he take the final step out the window. Good-bye world he says, to himself. No one else can hear him. He struggles with the rope around his neck. He wants it off, it is strangling him. He feels like he is going to lose consciousness and finally he does. He just hangs there, lifeless. His task completed. His horror over.

I can’t win and I am tired of losing

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Warning this post is really cynical and sarcastic

I have been staring at the blinking cursor for some time now. It has been taunting me with something to write. So here it is:

I had my useless monthly meeting with my PCP for my pain management. He wants me to lose weight and try a cortisone shot. Neither of which is going to happen. One, cortisone actually does more damage than it helps and second I think I might try starving myself as that is the only way I can possibly lose weight. I just texted my therapist that I will be an anorexic by Christmas. I am sure we will talk about it tomorrow if I feel like answering the phone. I love how my PCP conveniently always forgets that I have nerve damage in that foot. That is why I have a tendonitis that won’t go away. That is why I am in pain every fricken night or worse, wakes me from a sound sleep. I haven’t had more than a few hours sleep in almost two weeks. Granted I don’t have much to do at any given day so I can take a nap during the but then it further fucks with the sleep cycle. I can’t win and I am so tired of losing.

I am not doing anything tomorrow. I have two appointments by phone and then that is all for the rest of the week. I will start my starvation after Thanksgiving because no use having my mother’s turkey go to waste. I am not going out for coffee. I am just going to stay at home and stay in bed all day or much of the day as possible.

I have been thinking about writing another paper. The ideas were vague but it had something to do with telling a story about being suicidal and how the therapist and client deal with it without resorting to the hospital. If I can get my thoughts together I know this paper will be brilliant.

I didn’t do any editing today. I purposely left the material at home. I don’t want to touch it because I am still in a foul mood, made worse by my PCP and some idiot who really thinks I can starve myself, because yea it is so easy to do. FUCKING MORON. Thanks for the support.

Talking with my therapist today didn’t go good nor bad so I don’t know what to make of it. She kept talking about the blog where I was writing about my suicide attempt when I was sixteen. I honestly don’t even remember sending it to her. It must have been a drunk text. I was drinking during one of the times last week. I would have drank last night but I don’t remember what I did with my bottle. I really want to finish off the bottle. But all in good time.

in a foul mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I’m in a foul mood. I just woke up and my foot is hurting me like I did something while I slept. I was on my back when I woke up so that might have had something to do with it. I woke up a few hours ago, like around three so my sleep has been shitty none the less. I just can’t seem to stay asleep with the pain. I didn’t do anything outside the ordinary today so why am I in so much pain???

I feel like taking a shower even thought it’s almost seven in the morning. I woke up around six. I just feel disgusting. The last time I took a shower was Wednesday. But maybe I will take it later today. I just hate waking up in pain all the time.

I wrote to a friend about the rope situation. He lives in South Africa and wants me to give him the rope. Funny but I don’t think I can. I would have to ship it to him. LOL But seriously, I know I should get rid of it. I just don’t know if I want to or not. I am going to call my friend, my “hubby” (long story), and I know he will come and get it from me. I can give it to him tomorrow as I have plenty of time to kill before my pdoc appointment. And it will be good to see him again. I haven’t seen him since we were celebrating something with a Farking Wheaton WootStout. It was a very good stout and I didn’t drink that much. He drank more than I did. I just had a glass, he had the bottle, LOL. He is a dear friend of mine that I know won’t ask too much about the whys of giving him the rope. I know that it will be obvious because he knows I have bad depressions. There have been a couple of times I have called him in distress over the years. He always makes me laugh. He can never take the serious stuff too seriously. It’s his personality.

I am going to ask my pdoc about being put on another antidepressant, this one is an older one. I found a journal that says that I was on it for a bit but I don’t remember the reason for going off it. I am really desperate to see anything and this med supposedly helps with sleep. That will be good if I can get 6-8 straight hours a night. But according to what I read, you can’t take it if you are on an antipsychotic. So I might be out of luck with restarting this med. But we’ll see. My pdoc might just veto it altogether anyways because of the side effects or because of the other medication I take. But it will be better than trying an SSRI again. I have been tempted to try the Zoloft but I don’t want to get sick off it. Almost all of the SSRI’s cause me to be nauseous and get the dry heaves. The only medication in this class I have not tried is Effexor and that is because it is known to cause a stomach upsets. I can’t win with medication. I don’t know why I see my pdoc. I get frustrated with her, well not her specifically, but the situation that I am in. She is supposed to help me and there is no longer anything more that she can do. It is very discouraging. And when you are suicidal, it is just downright hopeless.

Mood has not improved since taking a shower. I feel like I have a migraine coming on so I just took something. Maybe that is why I feel so grumpy and why any type of sound annoys me. I was snoozing earlier and I think I might have done something to my neck. Shit if it ain’t one thing it’s another. I hate it when I have a “silent” migraine. It’s been happening lately where I won’t get the headache but I will get all the symptoms of the migraine: nausea, sensitivity to light and sound, irritability and a tension in my neck and back of my head. I should have known I was getting a migraine when I was nauseous yesterday for no reason. Because today is Sunday, I don’t have transportation to Starbucks unless I steal my sister’s car. But it’s kind of cold and rainy out and I hate driving in those conditions. If it was my car, I probably wouldn’t care.

I still am feeling somewhat suicidal, more so with my grumpy mood. I just don’t get why I have to live. I know I should publish my book but what am I going to then, kill myself? Show the world I survived my evil thoughts and finally caved in? Doesn’t make much sense. Which further puts me in a grumpy mood…