Tag: therapy

Visit with friends

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Visit with Friends

I visited and had dinner with friends tonight. We were celebrating my friend’s 79th birthday. It was a good evening. My friend’s kids kept us entertained with the going ons in their lives. One is a cheer-something. It’s like cheerleading but more gymnastic. I forget the name that it is really called. I saw videos of her daughter doing flips and such. It was cute. She will be going to Disney for the summit competition there. I am really proud of these kids. I have watched them grow like my own. My friend’s son was telling us that he is into the musical arts and drama. He sings in this thing. I can’t wait to see the videos of him singing. I am sure it will be cute!

We took the commuter rail to and from my friends’ house as it was south of Boston and its easier than driving there. The trains are still running behind schedule. We were supposed to be in Stoughton at 17:30 but didn’t get there till around 17:45 or so. On the way home the train was late again and I almost missed my bus to go home. Luckily it was on time, for once. Otherwise I would have had to wait another half hour in the freezing rain for the next bus. The bus ride home was anxiety provoking for me. It was full, there were people blocking the aisles (one of my pet peeves and anxiety producer), and of course, every single stop was called from the moment we left the station. I just got home about fifteen minutes ago. I didn’t think I was ever going to go home. I had too much to eat so was feeling sick. I got to my room and almost lost the contents of my stomach. I don’t know why I am getting so nauseous. It’s not even smells that make me sick. I just get really nauseous for no reason. It’s driving me crazy. Then tomorrow I have to deal with my cranky father who doesn’t feel good. I think he caught a virus and that isn’t good for a man his age. It can takes weeks for it to clear his system because he is old and has other health issues. I really don’t want to deal with him but I got to do his meds before he flips out. My sisters doesn’t know what he takes and so it is my responsibility.

It’s been a cold raw day. I am happy that we didn’t get snow they were saying we would, but we could if the temp drops. I really can wait for the warmer weather just so I can wear short sleeves again. I hate having to wear long sleeves all the time because it is cold. Sox lost tonight, like I thought they would. I had a feeling Porcello wasn’t going to live up to the hype, especially after he signed his contract. But there were 2 errors on both teams so I am not sure if they were costly or not. So the record is 1-1. Start fresh tomorrow.

I guess I won’t be canceling therapy next week like I was hoping. Bitch therapist said it “deserves conversation so we’re keeping regular times next week”. WTF I am still going to try and get out of Wed. I can play hardball too. I have too much experience with getting out of appointments, though with her, I haven’t been too successful. It is just so aggravating to be in therapy some times when you know it’s not helping. It’s not making matters worse, just isn’t being effective. I am not saying she needs to cure me, just let me limp my own way some times. She doesn’t want me to be alone. I do my best work alone. It’s when I get brilliant ideas on how to help myself or find something new to try. And I am not trying to discourage anyone from therapy, I just have been in it since I was 15 so I think a little break might be useful now and then, even if I am suicidal at times. I know my bad times don’t last forever, even if they feel like they are going to. I just need time to work on ME to make things better. And other times I need someone to bounce ideas off of that will hopefully understand what I am trying to say. Most of the time, what I tell my therapist is out of her league. She doesn’t get the chronic pain that I am but tries to. She know what happens if I don’t get a pain break. She also knows what will happen if I am ever denied my pain medication. I don’t abuse it but I do need it because if I don’t have it, I will end up killing myself because of pain. Not because I don’t have the medication, but because I will be up the creek without a paddle or boat and I will just drown.

I have a busy rest of the week. Tomorrow I see my father and Friday I see my pdoc. I am going to be constipated again because I can’t take a senna while I am out because I never know when it will work. The last time it worked a little too well and I just made it to the bathroom on time. But I was home. If I was out, I would have crapped my pants. So I rather be home when I take it and be safer than sorry. Because if I ever do crap my pants in public, I will kill myself. I have been lucky so far that this has not happened. But then I don’t leave the house until I poop. No one EVER told me this when I got CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. We never talked about the bowels or bladder. They just assumed everything was fine, if they didn’t ask. Course it wasn’t until I had regular movements that I knew that I couldn’t feel them. I had been constipated so long that hard stool was my life. When things were softer, I just don’t have feeling. And that my friends, is where the trouble starts and why I have to stay in the house when using a laxative to go to the bathroom.

Migraine day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Migraine day

Since last night, I have been fighting a migraine. I thought it had gone away, without any medicine, but I was wrong. The right side of my face feels numb and is throbbing. I haven’t taken my migraine meds yet. I am still waiting for the Excedrin to do its magic. If that doesn’t work, then it’s my migraine med time.

It’s a raw, cold, cloudy day today. I was planning on going out but nixed it when I felt how cold it was. So much for spring. Tomorrow night, I am to go out to dinner with friends so it is just as well that I conserve my energy for that. I am looking forward to seeing my friends as I haven’t seen them since November. It’s always a good night for laughs. I am not sure where we will be having dinner. I hope it’s Old Country Buffet. I really like it there. I just hope the commuter rail runs on time and there are no delays. Despite there being no weather impairments, there still seems to be delays, especially during the evening rush hour. We will be catching the 16:50 train so there is a chance it might be delayed.

I waited till 12:40 for my therapist to call me today. I know it was silly as I canceled my appointment but sometimes she forgets and calls anyway. I kind of like not having therapy. I have been in therapy so long, that I am enjoying this breather. I kind of already am not looking forward to next week when I go back. I want to cancel but I don’t think I will get away with it. All day I have had Gary Allan’s “See if I Care” song in my head. I don’t know why so I put on my MP3 player to drown it out. Right now I am listening to Carrie Underwood’s “Wasted”. I love that song. Granted, listening to music is not helping my headache, but it is soothing my inner anxiety. I don’t know why, but am having that anxiety that give me chest pains. Or maybe it’s the chest pains that are giving me anxiety? Either way, it’s not a comfortable experience.

I requested my medication to be refilled today and then got an email saying it was out of stock. I called the pharmacy to find out when it will be in, and the tech said the order had just came in. It should be filled sometime today. I don’t know why I listen to these fricken emails. I get them saying my insurance didn’t go through (I call, it went through). It drives me crazy. Why send a dumb email when it’s not true? It just sends me in a panic for no reason. I just checked the status and it’s still telling me out of stock. I have until next Tuesday until I run out so I hope it is filled by the end of the week. And because I think it’s a brand name still, I get to use my savings card which will save me $25. But I won’t know until they fill it. I hate waiting!

I think allergies are contributing to me feeling yucky today. My nose has been running since I woke up this morning. I don’t think I am getting sick because I feel okay otherwise. Last night was a bad pain night, again. I hate when I have a semi good day and then at night, wham! I am in pain. It took me forever to get to sleep, even with the damn headache I had. It’s the season, though I have yet to see any blooming going on.

Yesterday, my favorite actor’s dog passed away. I feel so bad for him. 18 years is a long time to love a dog. I hope that Riley is in a better place now up in dog heaven. His favorite posting was “I’M A DOG” whenever he posted a pic of her. I am going to miss seeing the pic as much as he is missing her right now. It’s amazing that people share their pets on the net and we grow attached to seeing them, even though we never see them in the real world. His wife rescued a dog called Lucy and she has been posting pics of when she was just 5 weeks old to now. It’s been amazing seeing this little, rib caged dog grow up healthy and with meat on her bones. It makes my day seeing these pictures. I will never own a dog because I am not a dog person, but I like seeing pictures of them. Same with cats, though I am a cat person. I just can’t own one right now because my mother would have a heart attack. Or worse, fall because the damn cat got between her legs or something.

Long Ass day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, suicidality

I woke up at fricken 0630 this morning in pain. I didn’t take a full dose of my pain meds because I had to be up in a couple of hours to start my day. I saw my therapist and I told her how depressed I have been feeling. I also gave her a packet of stuff to read, including a letter. We discussed the letter in detail, though not specifically. I think Hyde is trying to come out as I want to write goodbye letters and notes. It’s becoming more of an itch lately. Just in case something were to happen to me, at least there will be documents left behind. You never know when your time is going to run out. I told her I plan on writing my psychiatrist a goodbye letter. That is going to be the hardest thing for me to write because I have known her for so long. Twenty years is a long time to know someone.

We also talked about how similar my writing and Dostoevsky’s are. I sent her a text message last night and she wasn’t sure it was me or Fyodor. I basically told her I was surrounded by death yet none of it is keeping me here, or something to that effect. I have been in one of my severe depressive moods the past 24 hours, even despite being on an antidepressant. And it is true what I wrote. I am surrounded by suicide manuals and textbooks and other types of books yet none of them eases my pain or decreases my suicidality. I feel hopeless that this will change. It’s like I have been searching through these books hoping to fix myself and I just haven’t found the right piece of the puzzle. I thought I had found the answer with CAMS but it doesn’t sustain me. I still retreat into suicidality. and then I think what good am I? How am I supposed to help someone when I can’t even fix myself?

Today is my father’s birthday. I wish we had celebrated at home. My nephew, and I do love him dearly, talked non-stop the entire time. At one point, I told him to breathe and to think for a bit. When that didn’t work, I plainly told him to shut up. He was coming up with the weirdest ideas, thinking he was funny. But in reality, he was just annoying. I never knew him to be this way before. Then he told me my mood was setting him off. I asked what mood that was. He said the mood of not wanting to be here, to be somewhere else. He was right about that. I was bored, tired, and I just wanted my pillow.

My father was annoying as usual. I am glad I sat at the end of the table away from him. He was proud of himself because he finished his meal. How satisfying that he ate a meal and drank a few glasses of wine. Congrats, daddio. Big fucking deal. I am in a mood, a rotten one.

I have therapy with my therapist tomorrow and I don’t want to. I am just sick of talking. I just want to be left alone, with my aloneness, as Lincoln would say. But she won’t have it, the bitch. Anyways, it’s too late to cancel anyway, not like she would. I really should just go to bed before Hyde comes out. I know he is itching to write but I can’t let him. I will let him write in my journal where it is more private.

I witnessed a terrible accident while driving home from my therapist’s office. I don’t think I am going to take the highway home anymore. I am being too traumatized by it. This car had rolled over and most of the contents of the vehicle were spread out on the highway. It was so sad but cars were crawling to look and I just wanted to get the hell home without hitting anybody in the process. I can still see the car’s underside as it was flipped on its side. So damn scary. I don’t know how cars can rollover like that, especially in a tunnel. I am just grateful the car didn’t spark a fire, despite the dust cloud it created. That was more scary than the car turned on its side! From now on, I will just take the back roads home. It takes longer but at least it’s safer.

Interesting article for MHPs

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

After months of searching for this article, I finally found it. Hope you find it interesting as I do.

training MHP to assess and manage suicidal behavior_0209_oordt