Tag: writing

Feeling sad and dysphoric

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I was able to keep my therapy appt today. We began EMDR which was kind of weird. She asked questions and I responded. Then she gave me some grounding stuff and appt was over. I went back to snooze until my cousin called to remind me to go grocery shopping. I picked up a few things. I most importantly bought turkey and burgers. I had a turkey roll up for lunch and am now making a burger for dinner.

There was a post by a hematologist I follow on twitter looking for blood donors. I sent a message to my pcp asking if my levels were OK for donating blood again. My iron levels were still low so not sure I can.

There was a MTF I met on Bluesky and I thought maybe we could be together but she is into women and I’m crushed. It set off some dysphoria. I feel sad. I am looking for someone but I am not. I just think it will be good to have a friend that I can talk to whenever and maybe have benefits with. My sexuality is all messed up. I don’t know if I want to be with a man or woman or MTF or what not. I still love being with a woman but but lately I’ve been thinking about penises so I don’t know what I want.

Last night or the night before I was up. I couldn’t sleep so read a chapter in critical Suicidology. It got the wheels turning so I wrote about 1300 words on my relationship with suicide. I don’t know if I should include it in the book I am writing. I haven’t talked to anyone about it. I’m thinking about sending this to my psychiatrist and get his input. I don’t see him till Nov I think and don’t want to wait that long. I am in the process of trying to find an editor. The one I thought I had from FB turned out to be the wrong kind of editor I need. So frustrating. Someone recommended another editor on FB and his info was wrong. Ugh hope my friend’s friend works out. Finding an editor is hard. And can be expensive. I am hoping once I finish, I will query publishing houses or something. I will only use Amazon as my last resort.

sad and exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, transgender, writing

Sad and exhausted

I was up in the wee hours of the morning. I had slept late and wasn’t really tired. I had finished the last of the casserole. I woke up and needed coffee. I had taken my morning meds and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I kind of planned the day of taking a shower, brushing my teeth, delivering the books to the Transgender Program, and then to Starbucks for coffee and lunch. I also planned on reading through my manuscript to see what else needed to be written.

The shower exhausted me. I had shaved and then I brushed my teeth. By the time I was in the shower, my back was flaring up. I had just finished washing my hair when I had to sit down. Cramps flooded my back and it was quite painful. I managed to get the bar of soap before sitting down so as I sat, I washed up. Drying off I nearly slipped in the shower stall. I managed okay then got dressed. I sat on my bed to rest and hydrate for a bit. I had no idea what I was going to wear. It was cool out but not quite cool enough for jeans. I decided on a button down shirt with my shorts. I then called a cab as I put my socks and shoes on. There was no way I was going to walk to my pcp’s office. I just didn’t have enough spoons for it.

The cab came. I put everything in my backpack and got in the cab. Traffic was bad. It normally takes like twenty minutes today took more than a half hour. I am glad I didn’t have an appointment or I would have been late. I dropped of the books and then ordered my drink and something to eat. I then walked to the Starbucks. There was a table free so I sat there and ate. After I ate, I tackled my manuscript. I got to like the 25th page and the printing was bad. The toner had already started to go and I didn’t notice it. Reading what I wrote stirred up some emotions and then I read the letter I sent my mother back in 2021. I got really sad. The pages were impossible to read so I called it off and then headed to the station. I got to the Square and picked up my meds that were ready. I thought about getting another coffee but it was past 3pm and I would be up late if I did so didn’t. I was exhausted and just wanted to go home. My nephew was in one of his moods as he didn’t even say hi to me when I greeted him. Whatever.

I thought about my mother all through the ride home. I was really sad. I still am sad. I am sad because my mom died and that I have no fucking clue where to go with my book. I couldn’t read what I wrote because there was a huge gap in the page. I am going to have to reprint the pages. I have a new toner that I haven’t installed yet. I’ve been lazy about it. People think writing a book is easy until they have to do it. I didn’t have pages to guide what I wrote so things just went on and then a new idea started and I was like WTF is going on here. I want to write more but I don’t know what I already wrote. I hate reading from a screen. I like pages in my hand to get something. This book is too important to me to just gloss over. I am going to try and see if Random House will publish it. No idea what is involved in the process. But I am half way where I want to be with 62 pages. I just need about 60-70 more to write. I’ll replace the toner in my printer sometime this weekend and then print out the 40 or so pages needed so I can read the rest of what I wrote. Hopefully it won’t hit me like a ton of bricks like it did today.

What do you enjoy most about writing? #WPDP

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, writing

What do you enjoy most about writing?

I love the catharsis and feeling on pen on paper when getting my feelings out. Half the time I forget what I write. Then when I read what I wrote, I am shocked. Sometimes I can’t believe what I wrote because it is awesome. My New York Times piece is that.

bad night of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria, grief

Bad night of pain

I was listening to the game and it was tied so I decided to shower as I smelled. After the shower, as usual, I was exhausted and then my foot/ankle flared up on me. It is still hurting. The Sox lost and I am upset about it because they had so many chances to win. It was an up and down game so really hurt to lose.

I had therapy yesterday and my therapist really upset me. She said that I don’t need to be in the hospital and said I could go to the ED but they won’t do anything for me. I know this isn’t true. She didn’t evaluate me on my suicidal risk so she really doesn’t know how bad I just don’t want to be here. I think if she knew that, she might change her mind. She thinks I need partial but I don’t want to go to skill groups. I think they are a waste of time for me because I can’t really grasp things like I used to and besides, these things take practice. I can learn it from a book more than a group setting. The book I am reading now on CBT and suicidal thinking is helping more than anything else that I have read on the subject. Book is called choosing to live. It is an excellent book. I was in a mood yesterday so didn’t bring it up like I wanted to. There was a section I read that I wanted to share with her. She makes me so angry. I don’t know why she doesn’t trust me that I know better of what can help me when I need help. I think being in the hospital will help me because it has in the past. It kind of resets me. Right now I am not doing good. I am not eating or sleeping right. I am tired all the time. I wish I were dead. I also know that maybe spending a few nights away from home will help me with my PTSD of listening out for my mother so that maybe my sleep will get back on track. I know my mother is gone but I still listen out for her every time I am awake during the middle of the night. I’ve tried to calm myself by saying it is ok and that she is gone so no more looking out for her but that just makes me sad and I miss her even more. Grief is a hard thing.

I am so tired and wish I could sleep. My sister left her room so I am waiting for her to go back to it. It is so stupid that I am listening to this shit.

I made a bacon sandwich when I got up but it didn’t taste good. My taste buds are off. Even my coffee didn’t taste good. I had a pop tart, too. It was okay. That was the only thing that tasted right today. I haven’t eaten anything else today. I really want pasta but I don’t feel like cooking. I had an Ensure that I take with my meds as I need 350 calories to take for it.

Tomorrow I have three appointments. I have PT, then my pcp appointment, then the bereavement group. My therapist thinks I should have some time with the group before I go in the hospital as I said I would give it another two weeks time. She thinks grief is going to take longer. She might be right. I don’t know I just feel so damn lost.

I have been having nerve pain in my chest on the left side and it is freaking me out. I know it isn’t cardiac because I am not having any other symptoms but damn, the pain is so intense. It is like a stabbing pain. The swelling on my right hasn’t gone down and now I am wondering if maybe I should be massaging it or something. I sent a message to the NP to see if that will help. It just looks like I have breast tissue again and it is bothering me. I hope that what I feel isn’t fat as that will take more than massage to get rid of.

I haven’t had the time to think more about my personal statement for UMB. I got the letter from my psychiatrist which doesn’t say much other than that he cleared me for attending classes. I wish my psych was still my psych so she could write something for me that would help me other than just clearing me for classes. I guess they need detailed information. Just lovely. Ugh. I can do this. I wrote a damn memoir for crying out loud. Why is this so hard? I am currently working on another memoir. I have gotten so good at being concise in my writing, I find it hard to expand on things. Some story teller I am.

One of the groups I am in on Facebook posted about a trans book. I plan on getting it next week when I get paid. I am also planning on getting a t-shirt that says Baseball Isn’t Boring. I think that will be cool to get. I am a hard lover of baseball.