Tag: writing

Sunday Blog 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Rather than listen to the game today, I decided to watch it on TV. It was a scoreless first inning and then I don’t know what happened at the top of the 2nd. I missed it and by the time I went downstairs to watch it on TV it was 3-0 A’s. I cussed. In the time it took me to check FB and Twitter, the A’s scored 3 runs. Unbelievable! Then when they scored their 4th run in the 4th, I stopped watching. Sox are not known to come back from a deficit this season. It might be a shutout game or they may get a few runs but not enough to win. I am always hoping to be wrong, but we’ll see.

I woke up late today, like after 0800 late. This is the second Sunday in a row that I slept late and then was able to take a nap and feel somewhat rested. I still have some pain that I am dealing with. Nothing too severe, just my normal throbbing in my ankle. For some reason, the Achilles in my right ankle is bothering me today. I don’t know what I did but I took an extra baclofen to try and settle it down. My calf is tight as well so I have been stretching it most of the day to ease it. I normally don’t get problems with my right leg. It’s usually always the left that bother me. I don’t get it. I haven’t done anything strenuous to cause my right calf pain or injury so it is a mystery.

Since getting my new phone, I have been testing the battery to see how long I can go between charges. I have to say the battery life is MUCH better than my previous 2 phones combined. Charging does take a long time though, the only draw back. I am still getting used to the noises it makes and trying to distinguish them, like what noise is a text message and what is an email. I have all my MSN/Hotmail accounts in the same app for the first time because the Outlook app didn’t load my messages. I have a different email for different things. I have my personal that I use for most of my email, one for my blog, and one for my support group. I used to have, at one point, 11 different email accounts. Now I just have three that I mostly use. The others I still have, like my Verizon, but I hardly use it. I might use it for spam though, like when you need to give an email account but don’t want to use your personal one. I have had my main MSN since I got internet in 2001. I like it better than Yahoo or Gmail.

Last night I was feeling low again and thought the writing bug was going to come out before I was able to sleep, but I was wrong. I was able to go to sleep without writing, much to my relief. I do love the writing bug when it hits, but it keeps me up at night, making me restless and anxious. I ponder if my writing is any good. It feels good writing, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes afterwards, I wonder if it is “good enough”. People have always commented on my writing as being well written. I guess I just have that knack. But for my writing to be most effective, I have to have strong feelings behind it, otherwise I just feel like I am writing bullshit. It’s easy to give a narrative of the day for my daily blogs but for my book writing, I have to feel something to make it worth the while.

Saturday Blog 23

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Saturday Blog 23

I bought the wrong Otterbox for my phone. I bought it a few months ago so it was too late to return it. I ended up selling it on Amazon and last night, someone bought it. Now I have nothing protecting my phone. I should have waited until I got a new Otterbox that actually FIT my phone. I didn’t realize I bought the one for the active S5.

I had an interesting conversation this morning with a couple of my Twitter buddies. My friend Bart kept retweeting most of the last six or so tweets that I had tweeted last night, including my blog, “Motions of Living”. I had tweeted that I didn’t think it was very good. My friend read it and was wowed by it. He said it was very well written and heartfelt. I felt good that it didn’t suck like I thought it did.

I am listening to the game. It just started. Soon as it is over, I will be making a cheeseburger for dinner. I have been looking forward to this burger all day. Nothing special about it, just a burger with some relish and cheddar cheese. I ran out of my sandwich pickles. I can’t believe that I went through a jar of pickles. I do love them. I created a sandwich where I had cheddar cheese and pickles on a roll.

My mood has been pretty down today because I have been up since 0630. I have been fighting the urge to sleep, hoping that if I don’t sleep, I will be able to get some decent rest tonight. Part of the reason I didn’t go back to sleep was because I had to mail out the Otterbox because someone bought it. It took me a while to figure out how to mail things out and to make sure I had enough for postage. I am glad I had a printer. It made getting the slip and stuff out quickly. It’s Saturday and the PO closes at 1300 so I didn’t want to miss the chance to mail it out today. Afterwards, I bought some donuts for my breakfast. I already had my coffee at around 0800. I had to babysit my niece and made myself a cup of tea to try and keep me awake. So far it hasn’t been working.

I started working on my second book today. I have decided to make my “Hyde” writings into a book. Maybe it will help someone. I am not sure what to call it yet. I am just glad I am working on something. I just hope I can keep it up.

Writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Saw my psychiatrist today. We talked about the depression and the sleep problems I have been having. She didn’t have any advice on how to deal. I am sleeping, just not on a normal schedule, whatever that is. She refilled my meds and when I went to pick them up at my pharmacy, I was shocked that the price was $0 for both of them! I like this!

I had my morning snicker’s latte. I wanted to write more than what I did but I had an errand to do before my appointment. I ended up writing while I was on the train ride home. I realized then that I need to buy a new journal. It’s almost half way through. The one that I really want is through Barnes and Noble. They have like a 500 page journal that I like. Maybe I will go to Kenmore my next pay period and see if they still have this journal. If not, I can always check online.

Since being let off of work because of my disability, I have written a lot more in my journals. They have become my saving grace, just like this blog has done. If you are struggling with mental illness, I encourage you to try and journal. It doesn’t have to be long. Just a short description about how your day went is sufficient or anything else that is troubling you. It really helps to express yourself this way, if you are able to do it. I know some people like art more than writing, and that is ok too.

I sent my psychiatrist my blog I wrote the other night when I was having the writing bug. She said she wants to see more of my “cathartic” writing so I am sending it to her. She really likes my writing and think it has improved. I don’t see it, but then I write something every day, even on days I don’t feel like writing.

I had another rough sleep session. I should have told my psychiatrist that my therapist thinks I am hypomanic again. But I know I am not so that is why I didn’t say anything. I am so tired all the time from not having a regular sleep schedule. If I was working, I would be in big trouble. Last night, as I was trying to get to sleep, my mother came into my room because there was a problem with her TV. The aggravation from that cost me a few minutes to calm down and get back to a comfy spot to sleep. My psych doesn’t know why I wake up before seven most days. I was just glad I was able to get a quad mocha before seeing her. I had a hard time getting up. If I didn’t have to get up, I probably would have slept longer. But I had woken up around 0230 and didn’t go back to sleep until an hour or so later. I have been trying not to play with my electronics when I get up. But it’s hard not checking my phone to see if messages have come through. I didn’t wake up in pain or anything, I just woke up, ready to face the day. Or in this case, the night. I had went to bed earlier than usual because the baseball game was in the afternoon. That is another one of my triggers. Going to bed before 2100. I almost always wake up between 2 and 4 if I sleep before 2100. I don’t nap during the day any more. I usually try and stay up as long as I can, even though right now it’s after 1700 and I want a nap very badly. Game is on at 1900 so I will probably listen to it till around 2100 or the end, which ever comes first. One of the games lasted two hours and fifteen minutes. It was the fastest game I ever heard. Course there was nothing going on, which made it fast. But the way that I am feeling right now, I don’t think I am going to make it to 2200. I can try, but I doubt it, unless I catch my second wind.

My mood has been up and down today. It was up during the morning when I was having “me” time but then turned sour when I had to do my errand. I had to get on buses and people are so rude. Then on the way home, a woman was half asleep on her seat. She was so hunched over, I thought she was going to fall over. It was sad. I felt bad for her. My foot also did not want to cooperate with me while walking home. At least two times, my foot dragged. I was turning my foot again, probably because it got fatigued. I no longer wear my AFO to prevent this from happening. My foot/ankle is really sore right now. It didn’t like all the walking I had to do. But I have to increase my walking so that I can be somewhat normal again. I hate being disabled. It’s one thing to be mentally disabled, but to be physically as well…just doesn’t bode well for the mind. I don’t know if the pain is going to get worse or not. Time can only tell. I already took one of my pain pills when I came home, which is probably why I am so sleepy.

TG Issues 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Had therapy today. She wasn’t as talkative today as she was yesterday. We talked about the self help book that I bought about shame and perfectionism. She asked if it had to do with trauma and I said I don’t know, I just started reading it! It is very dense so it is going to take me a while to read. Dense books I have to read in spurts or my brain gets fuzzy. We also talked about the letter that I wrote her but I had already sealed it up for mailing so couldn’t get her specifics. I know most of it is about my cousin and what he did to me. Still sickens me every time I think about it and makes me feel ashamed of myself, so maybe this new book might help with that. I also told her I found a former therapist’s address online. I only looked her up to send her my book. I think she will be proud that I wrote a book, even though the content is a little disturbing. But she is in the book so I hope she will understand.

I had sent my therapist a pic of my stupid goatee, which I will be trimming tonight when I take a shower. It’s grown past its tolerable length. She likes it on me. I like it too, but think it’s stupid because I have a space in between. A real man would just have it continuous. She said testosterone would fill it in. I am thinking about taking testosterone supplements. I might run it past my psychiatrist when I see her on Friday. I didn’t tell my therapist these thoughts because she is not a doctor. I figure I might bypass the whole having to go to a doctor for T. With my pituitary problem, it should be that hard to produce more T, which is why I can grow a goatee to begin with. We also talked a little about Jenner. There is no way you cannot talk about her as she is in the news big time! What angers me is that people are saying she is “heroic”. There is nothing “heroic” about coming out as TG. It’s a hard process. It is courageous and brave, especially to go public like she has, but not “heroic”. It’s like Chaz, Cher’s son. He came out and was in the lime light for a while and then went back to being under the radar. Same will happen with Jenner, eventually.

I wish I could come out like Jenner. I am envious, but then she has the money to do the changes and I don’t. I don’t even know if it is covered under my insurance. Course, I have to go forward to find out. The biggest thing for me is to get rid of my damn breasts. I hate looking at them, I hate the way they feel on me, and I hate that they are asymmetrical. It just really makes me hate myself because it only reinforces what I am not, just like my menses.

I went off on my mother today for the first time ever. She wanted me to do the dishes but I wanted to write. She then called me lazy. I don’t know what the hell the big deal was. It wasn’t like the sink was overflowing with dishes. Just pissed me off and I said that it hurt me to be called lazy. She then asked, You aren’t lazy? in her sarcastic voice. I got wicked angry. Now she is calling me because dinner is ready. I swear she doesn’t take my writing seriously. Course, with my book published, I really haven’t made that much money, which is all she really cares about. I really hate living with an unsupportive parent but I have no choice. I can’t live on my own because it just costs too much and I can’t work like I used to because I am disabled. It just really sucks.