Tag: writing

#TS1989 Day 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

TS1989 day 4

This is the 4th day that I have been listening to 1989. I can’t stop listening to it. Every song is my favorite and I think I am starting to know the lyrics by now. “Clean” is moving up to be the top favorite

For the first time in forever, I slept more than 8 hours last night. I woke up at 0830. I never wake up at that time. It’s usually 0730 or earlier. But I bet because I have to get up early tomorrow, I have a crappy sleep tonight. I will try not to go to bed too early, but I took a nap after I had breakfast. Not a good idea. Right now I feel so sleepy, I could go back to sleep. I am just so sleepy today and I don’t know why.

I am looking forward to meeting up with a dear friend of mine tomorrow afternoon. I am hoping that we can have a quick lunch before he has to go but if we just have coffee, that will be cool. We haven’t met up in so long because his schedule and my schedule have been conflicting. I still have to call his office and reschedule my eye appointment. I think I will have it done the week after Thanksgiving. But I get to hit Starbucks twice in one day so I am happy about that.

I took a short walk to Walgreens to pick up my meds and now my ankle is hurting me as if I walked 3 miles. I was doing so good pain wise and now it is back. I don’t get why I am hurting. I think the baclofen is helping decrease the pain some but it doesn’t take away all of the pain that I feel. I did stand more than 10 mins yesterday at the restaurant while waiting to be seated at our table. I was expecting to be in horrendous pain but I wasn’t. Now, the short walk set it off. And by short, I mean a block and a half. I did have to stand a little bit in the store but not too long. I was kind of disappointed that one of my medications was out of stock. I hope they are able to get it tomorrow. I will be in real trouble if they don’t carry it anymore. I will have to switch to another medication and I really don’t want that. I have been on this medication for years and I have found it works really well for my arthritis and back pain issues. My physiatrist wanted to switch me to a different NSAID when we first med but I deterred. We’ll see if my script gets filled this week or not. If it doesn’t, I will switch to a new medicine when I see my doc on Friday.

Game Rant: I completed three missions the other day. It took me months to complete so I was feeling proud of myself. Then Zynga squashed it by giving me 13 new missions! I was pissed. I still am because it is probably going to take till Easter to finish them all. But I a glad they are not repeatable. I hate repeatable missions because they just take so long. Right now I got one that is for mushroom soup. You need 15 but you need 4 soups with green beans to make 1. It totally pissed me off and you have to do this 4 times!! I don’t know why I keep playing this game. I used to find it fun, and sometimes I still do as it gives me something to do. But its laborious and if I was working, there would be no way I could do the missions. I would be stuck. I’m lucky that my new neighbors do help me out. I have like 250 neighbors but I think only 60 play regularly. My neighbors always talk about blocking people but I have no idea how to do that and I am not going to post on someone’s wall and say can you please block the game because you aren’t playing anymore. I kind of like having them around because I can gift them my excess things.

My cousin was supposed to buy my book yesterday but she never made it to my house. She had to work late. I am kind of nervous about her reading my book. I just hope she isn’t judgmental. It will really suck. Right now you can get my book for 99 cents on Kindle. Link is here

Day 2 of TS

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging

Day 2 of TS

I am on day 2 of listening to 1989 by Taylor Swift. I can’t stop listening to it. The songs are so good. There isn’t a song I don’t like. And with the song/hit “Shake it off” I can’t stop moving when I am listening to it. I have to bob my head or just dance in my seat. I am really enjoying this album. It might become my favorite.

Last night, I got really depressed. Not suicidally depressed, but enough that made wonder if life was worth living. I don’t know what got me into the funk, probably the sun going down because it happened around that time and the mood got worse as the night wore on. I haven’t sleep more than 3 hours today. I went to sleep at 1 and woke up at 4. Tried to go back to sleep at 6 but couldn’t really get a good rest. I gave up around 10 as I got hungry. I finished off the rest of my Chinese food. Then my sister offered me peppers and sausages so I had some of that. I am planning on ordering a pizza later for dinner. With fries because I haven’t had them in a long time. My niece and I will devour them, I am sure. I still have to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescriptions. I think I will do that before I pick up the little one. She is still sick and I am weary of being around her because I really don’t want to get sick. I haven’t decided if I am going to get half cheese and half pepperoni or just get half pizza and then a steak and cheese. I am on the fence. Guess I will decide later. I am not hungry right now so I can’t say what I want.

My legs are hurting me for some reason today. Every time I stand on them, they feel like they are going to give out on me. Weird. So far they haven’t and I hope that continues. It will suck to fall.

I tried to write with my mood being dark last night but being tired interfered with good writing. I think I just wrote a page in my book because I was obsessing over 1989. I had to see if I got the digital booklet on my phone (I didn’t) so had to use the computer to download it. I got all the lyrics to the songs, which would save me a bunch of Google searches. In my search I found an article by Edwin Shneidman about commonalities on a good death. It is a really interesting article but for some reason I read the first paragraph and then I keep getting distracted. Since his death, I have been having trouble reading his stuff. I miss him. I wish we could have had a conversation about psychache and constriction and lethality. It would have been awesome to pick his brain. But my last conversation with him, he was cranky so I never bothered him again. Then he died a month later. I guess I am still devastated by his death. I knew it was coming as he was having major health problems. I just have to move on and be able to read his material. I know I won’t be sorry reading it as I always learn something from it, even if it is my second or third time reading it.

I am still waiting to hear back from my father’s doctor and my doctor. I am so annoyed I haven’t heard anything. I got to call my father soon and tell him he has an appointment on Monday and maybe that will settle his anxiety some. I will have to explain to him that he has to go to this appointment because it for his pre operation stuff. Without this, he cannot have surgery. He is scheduled for three weeks, though I am trying to move it up the best I can. I am hoping that when the doc sees him on Monday he can do something for my father.

I have not written anything today other than this blog. I am too tired to come up with something. I was hoping to come up with something last night as I had the itch to write but nothing came of it. I got sucked in TS world and that was it.

My mother is making cookies. I hope they are something good.

Starbucks and Chinese food

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, writing

Starbucks and Chinese food

Today has been a minimal pain free day so I decided to venture out and get my latte. I made a Snickers latte, which is has two pumps mocha, two pumps hazelnut, and two pumps caramel. It is so good! I sometimes get more mocha if I want it more chocolaty. I wrote in my journal and downloaded Taylor’s 1989, finally. It took two tries to download it. It annoyed me. I don’t know why I had to attempt to download it twice when I had ample signal. I probably should have turned on the WiFi, now that I think of it. Oh well. It worked and I have been listening to the album for the past several hours. So far my favorite songs are “Clean”, “Shake it Off”, “Blank Space”, and “Bad Blood”, though I think “Wildest Dreams” might enter the mix if I hear it enough. “I know Places” is a good song too. Hell, there is NOT one song on this album I don’t like. It is going to take me a few weeks to know the lyrics to each of them. But give me time and I will be singing along soon.

I have been craving Chinese food for the past few weeks. I was so upset when the place across the street from Starbucks was closed, for good it seems. They had the best Chinese food in my area. So I had to order from GrubHub to a restaurant in the next town over from where I live. I have ordered from them before but they don’t make a good Lo Mein, which is what I really wanted from the place that closed down. Supposedly we are having Chinese on Saturday for my sister’s birthday so maybe my Lo Mein craving will be satisfied.

I really enjoyed writing today while listening to Taylor, once the download finally completed. I basically gave an update about my father, therapy, and how I was feeling. My father and I didn’t spend any time in a medical facility today, thank god. I was able to call his surgeon and try to move up his surgery date. I am still waiting on a call back from either the secretary or the doctor to see what can be done to make him a little more comfortable. But it is getting late and with each passing hour, I am thinking they are not going to call.

I know I talk a lot about therapy in my blog. It is a way for me to process the session as well as think about things. I didn’t have therapy today because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen today. I have been feeling well so I really don’t need an extra session. I still have been trying to think about doing what she is asking of me, writing an affirmation blog, but I am having major trouble trying to write it. I was thinking of writing words down on a piece of paper to get things going but even then the word elude me. And she won’t let it drop. She thinks this is a brilliant idea and wants to see where it goes. I can hear in her voice how much she likes this idea, which just annoys me because eventually I am going to have to write something positive about myself other than I am smart and creative. But that will be on a day when I am feeling hypomanic or something or on too much coffee.

I didn’t wear the AFO today because I just said fuck it. I wanted to see if my ankle would cooperate with me without it. It did, my foot, not so much. I don’t know if I stepped wrong or what, but on the way back to the station to catch the bus home, I was in agony walking. The pain got worse with each step I took. And of course, when I got to the station, I had to put money on my card, which meant more walking. I did it anyway and I am paying the price now, though it has calmed down some since being home. If the pain is not bad tonight, I will go out again tomorrow. I want to get a haircut and of course, Starbucks. I finally found the email my writing partner sent me with ideas on what to write for our book. Now I just have to use them as an outline of what to write. I am happy with this. I know in the upcoming months it is going to be difficult to write because I know the depression is going to be worse over the next few months. It always does and some days it will be a struggle just to blog, let alone write a book. I am hoping the anti-depressant that I am on will protect me from a deep downfall, but I am weary. I can still have a deep depression even though I am on medication. Hence why I was hospitalized in August, though the suicidal thoughts have not returned since I have been discharged. Just my overall mood has sucked. I have more down days than up but I think that has more to do with the amount of pain I have been in than anything else. Once the pain is under control, my mood generally improves, if for a little while.

Ramblings 70

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I didn’t go out today because I had babysitting duties for my sick niece. So I spent the day watching her. I tried to play my games but am getting bored with them. I always have to request stuff and it just gets redundant after a while. I know that if I didn’t get stuck babysitting, I would have gone out today and had a latte. I miss going to Starbucks and tomorrow I will get one dammit!

I didn’t do any writing today. My ankle has been bothering me on and off so I really wasn’t in the mood to write. Maybe later on tonight when I no longer am babysitting.

I no longer have the “favorite books of the year” logo on my Amazon site. It is kind of a bummer not seeing that. I knew it was too good to be true. But I sold a few books on Kindle. It feels good knowing this promotion is helping my sales. I have been promoting it primarily through Twitter, which then feeds into my Facebook page. I am probably annoying my friends about my book by now. But I want the book to be out there.

I have been feeling depressed most of the day, mostly in the sense that I want to sleep. I just can’t understand it. I have nothing to really be depressed about, though I am stressing over tomorrow’s dealings with my father. I have to deal with his drama and I don’t even know what that is going to entail tomorrow, but I’ll find out. I am just so sick of going to every medical appointment with him. I just hope it isn’t an all day affair with him. I really don’t want to be in the hospital all day. And I know I am going to be out for more than 4 hours, I am going to wear the new diapers that I bought just to be on the safe side of things. I hadn’t had any more bowel or bladder problems but I want to stay dry and if I do fart with friends, at least I won’t stain my underwear.

I know it’s not helping my blood pressure being stressed out over him. And I know I have gained a few more pounds as my pants are tight around the middle. Because I was babysitting, I forgot to call my doctor to schedule an appointment and my eye doctor to reschedule. I feel bad that I had to reschedule the appointment for my eye doc twice now but I didn’t look on the calendar when I made the appointment. It is nothing major with my eye, just my annual exam because I have noticed some vision changes.

I am hurting really bad today with all kind of pain in my butt. It is mostly nerve pain that I am feeling. But it is wicked aggravating because there is nothing that I can take for it. I just have to ride it out. Sitting is difficult. I am glad that I have a foam topper on my bed so that helps a little bit. Still feels like I am sitting on glass at times.

Had therapy today. Damn therapist still wants me to do this affirmation exercise. I told her to shut up about it and called her a few names today but she was undeterred. I don’t even think she registered me calling her names. But she shook the Bostonian in me when she started making fun of me when I said “AH” instead of “R”.

I have to renew my anti-virus software program soon. I am dreading it because it is so expensive. But I like to keep it up to date just in case I do get hit with a virus or spam or phish. I used to like it back when they didn’t automate and you could keep the software but it just wouldn’t update your system. Now they just stops working and you are unprotected. I found that out when I let my subscription expire. It was like the thing uninstalled itself because I didn’t renew. It sucked when I did renew because I forgot my password and email that I used when I signed up. I apparently had three accounts for the different laptops/computers I was using. I had to delete the other two and keep just the one, and to do that, I had to talk with a representative. It sucked.