Tag: writing

for want of sleep!

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I am having a lazy day. I woke up early again and didn’t like it. I was able to force myself into the shower last night so I didn’t have to take one today. Pain meds had kicked in enough that I was able to stand for 10 minutes and shower. It felt good and then I went to sleep afterwards. Only to wake up six hours later!

I have to get up early tomorrow morning to take my father to his doctor’s appointment. He isn’t feeling well apparently. I just hope he is taking his medication like he is supposed to or I will not be happy. Fricken appointment is at 8 so that means a long fricken day.

I am neither in a grumpy mood or depressed mood. I just want to sleep. It’s cold and cloudy out. I have to pick up my niece in about an hour from now. I am going to wear my AFO brace as I can’t risk not wearing it. My ankle really has been off the last few days. I still can’t turn it without pain. That is why I am hoping the AFO will keep it straight so I don’t have to worry about it so much.

I am really tired and want to take a nap. I would have fallen asleep earlier today but my damn phone was going off. I swear everyone and their mother decided to text and call me when I wanted to lie down for a nap. So then I shut the phone off. I still couldn’t sleep or I slept a little but it was a good sleep. I kept on hearing out for my mother because she said that she was going grocery shopping so I didn’t want to be in a deep sleep and she never went. I am so pissed. I could have slept a nice little nap but no. Not in the works and tomorrow I have to wake up at the god awful hour of 630 to take my sister to work and then take my father to his appointment. I am going to bed early tonight. No doubt about it. I will have to. This so sucks. I already feel like I can get some solid sleep now if the house would be quiet but no, my mother has to listen to the TV full blast or her telephone has to ring. I might be able to get some sleep later, when she goes downstairs to my sister’s for coffee. Funny how she can have coffee after six and it won’t affect her like it will me. I think that is why I am so sleepy today. I haven’t had anything caffeinated.

I didn’t have an appointment with my therapist today. I get a break from her until next week. I am glad we didn’t have an appointment because it would have disturbed my trying to take a nap more. I just had some Ramen noodles for my lunch. I really wanted to eat the last two donuts but I controlled myself. I really need to go get my powerade tomorrow. It is the last day of the sale.

I was really excited about reaching 18K yesterday on my blog so I wrote to my psychiatrist about it. She thought it was fantastic and that I should be proud of myself. Funny but I don’t feel that way. I feel a sense of accomplishment but not pride. I don’t know why that is.

fearful bad thoughts will return

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

In a somewhat elated mood today. My blog views reached 18,000 today. That means 18,000 people have read my blog since it started in July 2012. Thank you all for reading!!

I had therapy today, again. I see my therapist twice a week, sometimes more if I am having a hard time. I don’t know how we got to twice a week but it did. At one point I was seeing her four times a week. But that hasn’t happened in a long time and mostly happens when I am in the throws of a suicidal crisis. I don’t remember what we talked about even though it was several hours ago. We talked about yesterday’s blog that I wrote. I told her it was garbage but she disagreed. She said that it reminded her of the works of Janina Fisher, the consultant that I think is bogus. She has a weird sense of what trauma is and thinks the self is made up of different parts. That I can believe. But this Fisher character also believes that my voices are not real, that they are just a “part of self”. If that were truly the case, then why does medication make them go away?? My therapist really believes the bullshit this therapist portrays. At first I was accepting but then things got really hairy in the consult appointment with her. I got really mad and expressed it, calling her stuff bullshit in the process.

The point I remember my therapist was making was that she was agreeing with what I wrote about the weird feeling about not feeling suicidal 24/7. She thinks that it is normal for me to feel this way because I have been suicidal for so long and what I wrote made sense. I wish I felt the same but I don’t. I fear that like my depressions, it will come back with a fierce blow. And who is to say that when it does, I don’t act on it? I know this is why I see my therapist twice a week, just as a sort of maintenance and stabilization. Plus, I have been seeing her so long more than once a week that it is weird when I see her less than that. But I am in unknown territory right now. Don’t get me wrong, I feel good that I am not suicidal but it is weird not planning my death or thinking about killing myself all the time. And weirder still, I don’t know what changed to make this happen. I think it is because I have more confidence in myself than I have in the past. But I am still fearful that the bad thoughts will return.

I also think we talked about my father for a bit and his anger issues. I have to deal with him next week as I got the lovely task of taking him the doctor yet again. He isn’t sick, just needs to meet his doctor because he (doctor) moved to a different location. I am not looking forward to it. And because of it, I had to reschedule my appointment with my therapist because of it.

My ankle started feeling hurtful yesterday in a different way. It hurt when I bared weight on it in a spot I normally don’t feel pain. I thought the feeling was gone but soon as I got to the bus stop today it flared up as the bus was arriving. I then decided to get my coffee and do a little food shopping. BIG MISTAKE! I am hurting big time now. I am really kicking myself for doing such a stupid thing. It really annoys me because I wanted to take a shower today and didn’t before going out. Now I am really stinky and need a shower but I don’t think I can stand long enough to get the job done. I have to wait to see if the pain meds calm it down. I will hopefully take one before going to bed tonight. I don’t remember the last time I showered but I know it has been more than a few days time. I hate that I have to keep track of when I shower because my memory sucks lately. It also stinks that because I don’t go out every day, I don’t usually shower on days I don’t go out. It’s just that the depression gets the better of me and I just say fuck it. It costs me too much energy to shower and I just figure why bother. No one notices or comments about my bathing habits but me. So even though I say I stink, my family doesn’t notice it or just doesn’t say anything.

I still am feeling the lower level depression as I was the beginning of last week. I don’t know when it will end. I think it will when I get more sleep. I woke up around six thirty again this morning. I think I need to go to bed later but it’s so hard because by eight, I am exhausted and take my meds to go to sleep. I try to stay up but I get so sleepy.

they will float away

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, writing

I had my weekly therapy session today. We talked about the new book that I was writing as I am not happy with what I am writing and she said that I “write magic and things come together” whenever I look back over what I wrote. So I am going on that assumption even though what I wrote feels like shit. She doesn’t know how I write like I do. I don’t either. I just do. Maybe it’s just my artistic temperament. I don’t know. I felt like she was saying these things just to booster my confidence but I feel so low that it didn’t work this time.

I told her about my lows, how one day I am “fine” and the next I am thinking of killing myself. How can you go from being okay to thoughts of killing yourself is beyond me. My blogger friend was describing feeling empty last night. I guess I am feeling that today. I don’t know if my writing is effective anymore. I just feel like I lost something and I don’t know what it is. I know I should be glad that the feelings of wanting to kill myself aren’t 24/7 like they used to be. Maybe I am missing it. I mean, I have felt like that for YEARS. And to go from that to nothing, well, is weird. I like to think that I turned a corner but yesterday when I woke up, I just wanted to be dead. Course this is coming after a bad pain night in which I wish I didn’t wake up. But after those thoughts passed, they didn’t linger. I didn’t harbor the thoughts or feelings. They just floated away and I got on with my day. Today I am feeling like I am stuck. I am stuck in that harbor with these thoughts and wondering if they will float away.

I have been up early. My mother woke me up early this morning, before her stinking alarm clock went off. She is now snoozing on the couch. She didn’t hear me go up and down the stairs. Pity. I could have called it payback.

I keep thinking of what next to write and I just don’t know. I know that this blog is like my online journal. But I don’t want this blog to be just about my every day struggles. Yes I have not showered in a few days time and I need one but that is the least of my worries in the midst of this low level depression that seems to be sucking the thoughts out of my head. I can’t seem to think with this type of depression. Like my other blog I wrote the other day, to me, my blogs lately have just been words on the screen.

My ankle is hurting so I doubt I will go out for a latte. Just getting my lunch was enough to push it on the edge. It feels like someone is trying to snap it in half. And any weight I put on it, make it worse. So now I am stuck in bed keeping my foot raised to keep it immobile as much as possible so I am not in pain. I am glad when I went out I got some snacks. I know I shouldn’t be having them because I am trying to watch my weight but my therapist seems to think that I am anorexic. We talked about it today and she just wants me to eat protein. Yesterday I had two eggs (one for breakfast, the other at dinner) and I was still hungry an hour later. I don’t know what is driving my appetite increase but it sucks. And I know that if I don’t keep a watch on it, I will turn into a cow. I am not skinny by any means of the word but I would like to get below what my weight is currently. But I think I am PMS’g so I bought some chocolate. Chocolate comes from a cocoa tree so therefore it is a plant. That is my rational for having some.

Because my ankle is now bothering me in the afternoon, I guess I should take something for the pain. But that means I will be a zombie or worse take a nap so I can wake up at 8 pm. I am trying my best to ignore it but it doesn’t want to be ignored. Dammit! I hate that. So much for thinking this will go away on its own. I’m off to listen to Lady A. Maybe their music will keep me calm and awake enough so I don’t take a nap.

still in a foul mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Still in a foul mood

Woke up early again today. Seems my bladder likes to be relieved before seven these days. Then I am up for most of the day. I am not happy about this new arrangement but if it means not wetting myself, then I will do it. Lord knows how many times I have had dreams about going to the bathroom and actually peeing. How I have not wet the bed so far is a complete miracle that I am guessing I am blessed with CES for the retention it gives me. I guess that is the only blessing CES has given me.

I went to my “happy place” (aka Starbucks) and it didn’t make me happy. I had a good new latte called Caramel Flan. It is not too sweet but very caramelly. If you love caramel, I highly recommend it. I then started my journaling but kept on getting distracted because my earbud on my right ear kept popping out. Every few minutes I had to push it back in. So annoying. It made it hard to write anything. So I just went on Facebook and Twitter. When I finished that I left. I was going to go to the grocery store to pick up some more powerade but I missed the bus and had to wait for half hour for the next one. I just decided to wait for the bus to take me home instead. I really need to call Sallie Mae to get my loan payment reduced or deferred. So I am going to call them after I blog this. I have been putting it off because of the holidays but now I can no longer do that.

My mood is terrible and I might start an argument with the person. I don’t care. I don’t have any extra money to pay them right now. I can barely get by on my income as it is. I am on a strict budget with paying the editor and not being able to eat out is killing me. It is a necessity right now that I eat at home but I do enjoy not cooking and just placing an order for delivery. I think most people enjoy that but I no longer have that luxury, least for now.

I know yesterday I had thoughts of death in my last blog. I woke up with them again today. Seems no matter how much I try to keep them out, they creep back in. It doesn’t mean that I am suicidal. I am not planning my death, though if the higher power wants to take me now, I wouldn’t mind it. My family might but I wouldn’t. Seems my family is becoming more dependent on me being home than ever. I being asked to babysit more and to take my father to his doctors appointments. I don’t mind doing it but I also like to stay in my room and be shut out from the world. Since not being able to work, I have not gone to Boston.com for news. The only news I get is from Facebook/Twitter. So it no one posts a big story, I am not likely to get it or know about it. I do get YahooNews on my twitter account but I have not read a paper in years. I used to like reading the Sunday paper at work. It was a good way for me to keep up on things and check out the new books that come out. Now unless I see a book on a show or promoted through twitter, I am not going to know about it. Or through my favorite authors. I think that is the best way to promote is by social media.

I cannot wait for March. I can finally get my tablet off my phone bill and will be saving fifty dollars a month. My phone bill will finally be affordable on my new income. I still will be able to use the tablet, least I think I will. As long as I have Wi-Fi connection, I should be ok. As it is, I don’t use it much. And it is considered a dinosaur now so I doubt anyone would want it except for recycling or something. I might still keep it as I have Kindle books on there.

I don’t know why I am in such a sour mood. I know sleep has something to do with it. I can’t stand it. I hate being down because I know there is nothing that can be done about it. But at least it isn’t sucking the energy from me. But I think it is only a matter of time before it sucks my motivation. I still have to write my few pages for the new book today. I still have no idea what I am going to write. If nothing comes to me, I will just edit what I have.

One thing that pisses me off about my mood being low is that there is no reason why I should be depressed, unless I am still grieving for my friend but I don’t really think that is it. Whatever it is, I hope that it goes away soon and I go back to my midlevel depression. Because this foul mood sucks.