30-Jan-11
Been up the last few hours. I have such a heavy heart that it is ready to kill me. I am haunted by everything that is wrong with my life. Been thinking about my cousin who is now a marine and yet I hardly know because my family drifted apart. It saddens me that I don’t know my “little” cousins anymore. The oldest is engaged and will be married later this year. I feel less a part of their lives with each passing year.
I do not know who I am anymore. Last night in a fit of torment I threw down the gauntlet and told my ptx that I will die this weekend. I so wish I could act on these feelings. The brokenness inside kills me every night. The sorrow that is deep within my chest shall never be revealed nor relieved in any such way. I am just a freak who is suffering silently with only these words to fall on silent blogs. I only wish to end this daily torture. Animals are treated more humanly than human beings. It has been said that you control your own life and happiness. Well my happiness lies beneath the earth or as a pile of ash. I do not care what remains of my bodily essence. My consciousness is what is the death of me. I am not truly dying a slow death but am only being tortured every minute I dare to breath. This can’t be what life is about. To go on suffering just so others do not feel your loss. I have snapped and I don’t know if there is any coming back. I want to put a plastic bag over my head and die of asphyxia. Yes it may be painful but once that last breath is gone, I shall be free
midnightdemons7 