a bad day

Been in a funk the past two days. I have ben really down because of the condition I have called CES, or Cauda Equina Syndrome. I have had to bladder accidents that have cut my mood to shreds. Then in my dreariness, I told one of my sisters that I wanted to be Mike. She was supportive but didn’t understand that the reason why I have been so miserable is because of being in the wrong body. I cried myself to sleep last night only to wake up at two o’clock in the morning. I didn’t fall back asleep until six thirty. I hate the disrupted sleep.
Now that she knows, I feel relieved but I have the urge to cut really bad. I hate myself and want relief. The only way I have been able to do that in the past is by cutting. But I am afraid that once I start, I won’t be able to stop. I took some meds to help calm me down but they have not kicked in yet. I have been up since nine thirty and really just don’t want to do anything. I just want to sleep but I am not. I played some online poker and lost a big amount of chips. Not a big deal as it’s not real money. I can always get it back or buy more chips.
I have been playing on the computer most of the morning trying to get rid of the awfulness that I feel. But nothing is working. I’m looking at razors and bandages. I am imagining how it will feel and if I will need stitches. That will suck as I will most likely be hospitalized. I should pack a bag just in case so my family knows what I need. I know I have a lot of writing to do but right now I just can’t do it. I don’t have the energy. I really want to go off on a person in the CESSG group for being a whinebag. She is complaining about everything that is wrong with her life. I hate people like that. Most of it has NOTHING to do with CES and that bothers me.
I still want to end my life. Nothing has changed my plans for my date with death. I have to have this just so that I can live. Surprisingly it is a national day of something. I forget what it was but it was pretty funny. I really have to decide what I want to do today to harm myself. I feel like I deserve it. The pain that I feel is intense and I can’t bear it too much longer, though I am trying. Though any time I talk about suicide or cutting pain is usually involved. It’s not a physical type of pain. Just a kind of heartache that won’t go away.
I am happy that I am transitioning but it’s hard as hell. One of my aunts suggested I say a Hail Mary ten times a day. I have been out of the Catholic church for years and the only way for me to remember the word is to look them up. I am not going to do that because I do not believe in prayer. I am not a religious person in the least. I wish people would just listen to me and not have too much to say other than they understand. Is that too much to ask. Most people when they open up to issues like I am describing just need an ear to vent out their frustration and maybe a shoulder to cry on. They don’t need their problem fixed or delegated to someone else. They just need support to get through that moment of time they are in distress.