Today was a little better day without my nerve condition bothering me so much. I still feel pretty down.
I’ve been trying to work on my blog for the new thing that I am involved in and it’s tough editing my own work. I am to add in some questions but don’t know really where to begin. I feel like just drafting a whole other paper but I don’t want to start from scratch. Drafting this paper was a piece a cake the first go round. Editing it is a little more difficult.
I finally saw my therapist after not seeing her for a few months. I think I might be able to see her every Tuesday but I am not sure I can commit to that. I have a hard time waking up and getting the car from my sister’s work is a hassle. I then have to pick her up from work and sometimes I am too tired to drive back, even though it is a MUCH shorter distance than my therapist’s office. I had to give her my forms for my long term disability so I might see her next week so she doesn’t have to mail them out and I can send it in with the other stuff that they need. I’m seeing my psychiatrist next week so I will drop off the paperwork to her and my primary care as he is in the same facility. I don’t get to see him till the end of the month and I want them sent in ASAP.
I just looked over the paperwork and they have a section for vocational stuff. My psychiatrist isn’t involved in that kind of bullshit and neither is my therapist. Oh the hoops these idiots make you go through for a buck.
Been starting to feel suicidal again. I just keep thinking that I just have to die. I can’t go on living. Then today a video comes in that my niece wanted and she is overjoyed and tells me that she loves me so much. How am I to die knowing that she will be messed up if I die? It hurts too much to think about but yet it kills me to suffer the way I do all the time. I get no reprieve. No alleviation at any time. Sure I was able to drive 30 miles today to see my therapist but it cost me my back to be hurting and mentally I am still depressed and suicidal. We talked about this new group that I am hoping to get into. I don’t know, maybe it will help things. I know it will give me something to get out of the house but the group meets at the time of my therapy appt on Wednesdays. I know it’s not a big deal to reschedule my appt but it is to me. I hate it when the schedule gets messed around. Trying to find another time is not always that easy. But I still think that suicide is a way out of my misery. I don’t have to go to group or therapy. Just crush a teenager’s heart or two. I try not to think about stuff like that because it really brings into the picture of what suicide does to the family when you are gone. I keep thinking they will be alright but I know they won’t. People always keep reminding me of that and it kills me because it means I have to suffer longer. I just want my pain to stop. If I had cancer I know they wouldn’t want me suffering so why can’t they just understand it that way. That I had to be out of my misery because I hurt so much. But no one sees it my way.
midnightdemons7 
You used those facts (through a book) on me… It worked for me. So you saved my life… I owe you my life. You know that. I am sure there are others, like me, who owe you. Do I sometimes get depressed now? Yes, but never as bad. I don’t think I am any saint or anything like that. But I do think that my work now will have a massive positive impact to a huge number of disadvantaged people here in SA.
I think one thing that has really changed for me, is my view on life. Since a child, I have not been particularly religious or spiritual. Witnessing how many different religions act in SA has pushed me further. But then taking a secular, atheist view of the world, has helped me so much. I now know this is the only chance we get. There is no afterlife, or heaven or hell. There is just this, and then nothing. But I know that the atoms that make up everything we see, including other humans were originally born in stars…we are literally star dust! We are lucky to be here, and we ought to be looking at the world in wonder.
In that view, what I am doing now gives my life purpose. A purpose I never had before… It feels good to help people. It feels good to be able to drive around several different cities in SA, and be able to see my work, my inputs, and know they make a difference. Knowing that there is so much more work that needs doing, gets me out of bed in the mornings…even the really rough mornings, when everything hurts, when I have to have a self pitying weep in the shower, because I know the pain is going to ramp up as the day goes on.
One thing though…if I do end up losing the use of my arms…which is possible….then I would not be able to continue, and I would book myself into Dignitas. I know many quadriplegics, but I also know I could not live that life…especially not if the pains remain…
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Asking people who haven’t been where you are to understand and to agree with you is an impossible ask. Only those who have stood in shoes very similar to yours can have any idea of what you are going through. I really hope the love you share is able to take away enough of your pain for you not to have the self-destructive thoughts.
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