Month: April 2013

post 290

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

Today I woke up in less pain than I was in last night. Last night was just horrible. I couldn’t sleep with the covers on, then I got cold so had to put the covers on. My foot was on fire the entire time, like it is now but not with the same intensity. I prayed last night that God would take me. I just couldn’t stand another minute in pain and if he didn’t take me then I would take matters in my own hands. Luckily the pain is not as bad as it was.

I hate hurting all the time. I know that I write a lot about it on my blogs but it is the only way that I can express myself, even if I don’t get a reply or a like. I had close to fifty views yesterday. I am almost up to 7300. I know that is a lot of people. I feel humbled that people read my pain and what I go through. I know there are days I don’t write about pain but instead I’ll write about baseball or something else, coffee for instance. I am not a huge coffee drinker, I just have my one cup a day. That holds me. Sometimes I will have two, depending on the day.

Today I am supposed to vote for the US Senate. I am wondering how I am going to get there as I cannot walk. I have to take it easy today or the consequences will be huge. I know it’s my civic duty to vote but how can I when I don’t have a car. I doubt I will be able to get a ride. My cousins can be lazy when I want to go some where. If I didn’t resprain my ankle, I would have take a long way to get there. I would have to take the 89 bus to go to Powderhouse Square, wait for the 80 bus, get off on Sycamore, walk to the school a block away, and then vote. Then take the same route back. The 80 bus runs like every hour so I would be waiting a long time for it and the 89 runs every half hour so I wouldn’t wait too long unless I miss the bus. That where it gets tricky. You miss the bus you are screwed.

I have to start setting a schedule for myself. To be up at a certain hour and then go out for a couple of hours would be a huge accomplishment but with my ankle, I know there will be days when I just want to stay in the house because of pain. I like going out and getting my coffee at Starbucks. It gives me something to do. It’s not sociable. Because I don’t really talk with anyone there. There was a barista that I talked to but he no longer works there anymore. Then there was this cute new person but she wasn’t on yesterday. I hope she didn’t quit. It would be nice to talk with her if I can.

Pain meds are kicking in. I decided to take one so that I can be covered should I go out today. But I don’t think I am going to go out. I can’t risk another flare up of pain. I want to take a shower today but it also depends on if I can stand long enough to do it. I also wanted to wash the shower but I don’t think I will be doing that today. I even figured it out without having to go on my hands and knees. But I will leave that for another day.

I have an hour and a half before my appointment with my therapist and she is going to get an earful of my complaints about her. I feel like she feels the need to talk just so that I don’t talk. And I know that this will only be one session where she will shut up and the next will be yakkity yak again. Even when we are talking face to face she does the same thing. Half the time I don’t even pay attention to what she is saying because it is so far fetched. And she always bitches about how my life is like I don’t already know! I can say I want to eat pancakes and she will go on about how good they are and that I finally have something good to eat. Blah blah blah. Who the hell cares that I ate pancakes. I want to talk with her about how I am feeling about everything but I don’t think she will shut up long enough for me to talk. It really bugs me that a therapist talks more than the client. She drives me crazy. Hopefully today she will be more receptive to listening to me after I read her the letter I wrote her yesterday.

Been listening to my favorite bands/artists for the past hour. I need some music to calm me down. I thought I would be able to take a nap but that didn’t happen. My prescription is ready at my pharmacy. I guess I will pick it up tomorrow unless I can con my niece to later tonight. If I remember. It’s my anti-inflammatory med. Man I am on so many meds. I remember when I was just taking one or two for my depression. Now I am on three times that amount, sometimes more depending on how bad my day is. I don’t like being on meds but it is a necessity. I have to be on meds for my depression or I end up in the hospital. And right now, the combination I am on is helping me to avoid just that. I might not be 100% depression free but it’s helping me feel less suicidal. I might feel less suicidal but that doesn’t mean that I have stopped thinking about it. Last night I swore to myself that if the pain wasn’t gone, I would do something.

a painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Woke up today in pain. It should have been a sign not to go out today but it was such a beautiful day out I decided to go out anyways. I got my coffee at Starbucks, my West Java which tastes like a little chocolate coffee. I started journaling but got bored so decided to write a letter to my therapist about how I feel about our last few sessions.

I feel like she has been blowing me off when I tell her I am suicidal. The most she can say is go into the hospital instead of trying to work through it. And that just pisses me off because the hospital is NOT the fucking answer to being suicidal. She doesn’t use the pain scales or even use the SSF’s when I get suicidal anymore. I think I am barking up the wrong tree. I don’t even know if she is taking me seriously anymore. I have not thought how I would kill myself but I just know that I want to die. I am trying to write this all down but my head is still half asleep because I took a pain pill before leaving the house and it makes it hard to concentrate. And the music today in Starbucks was a little louder than it normally is so I was being distracted very easily and could not focus on what I wanted to write. So I texted her that I wanted a check in, not to tell her all this, but just to tell her I am having a hard time. I hope she calls me but then we have an early appointment tomorrow so she may not.

On my way home, a three wheeled stroller got on the bus next to me. On my way off, my bad ankle couldn’t clear the wheels and I sort of tripped. Just fucking great. I now am in really bad pain and I have a golfball swelling on my ankle bone. I just iced it, took another pain pill, and put on the compound mixture of different meds to try and get it to calm down. So far, the pain is down a notch but that is all. I am screwed. I know tomorrow I am not going out as I need to rest it. All because I wanted to get a coffee at my favorite coffee house.

Today I finally learned how to print a PDF from my new laptop. I really didn’t want to have to switch laptops to get it printed. But control P works! The article I printed was about CAMS, Collaborating Assessment and Managing Suicide. It was a nice article that summarized the breakdown of how it evolved and where it stands now. I love this idea and I wish my therapist would open her pea brained mind just a little bit to let this in but noooo. I don’t want her to become a suicidologist, just to open her mind a little about the current trends out there that might be helpful to me. Is that too much to fucking ask??

My safety is kind of in question at the moment. I really want to slice open my ankle to let the swelling out but I don’t think I will get anything more than just blood. I would have to cut pretty deep to get to the root of the swelling and cutting deep would mean stitches. If that happens, I am liable to end up in the hospital. I don’t want that. I just want the swelling and pain to go down. Ice has not helped. I get to ice it again in an hour or two. I know part of the reason it hurts is because it is swollen. There is not much space for swelling to happen down there and it hurts when there is fluid build up. I was hoping that compound might shrink the tissues but it does the opposite with one of the ingredients. It brings blood to the surface to absorb the stuff. I can’t tell if it helps. I only have used it twice so far.

No ball game tonight so I will be bored. Maybe I can get some reading done. I have not been so great at that. Facebook games have been distracting me. But seeing as I will be laid up for a while until the swelling in my ankle goes down, I think reading will be good, as I got like a 1,000 page book to read. It is called Team of Rivals and is about how four people became the republican nomination for presidency in 1860, and also about Lincoln and the war. I have not ventured too far in the book but I am making headway as I am at page 150. It is easy reading though I cannot read too long because then my eyes do a weird thing that makes things double. I feel like I could use another cup of coffee. I am so tired but I don’t feel like going downstairs to get it. It will put too much of a strain on my ankle.

feeling scared still

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Watched the baseball game today. It was a good game. Red Sox won 6-1 and swept the Astros. Now they head up to Toronto to face the Blue Jays.

I stayed in most of the day. I didn’t feel like going out. I have been in pain. It is beautiful out and I am hurting. I can’t stand it. But today is Sunday and I can’t really go out unless I have a car. The buses are running but they don’t go to Davis Square. I really wish they would. But I don’t make the rules.

I had bad dreams last night, Well more like weird dreams. I wish I could remember them now but I have forgotten them. I know my psychiatrist was in one of them and I think we were talking about the bombings. As much as I am trying to move on from the bombings, seems everywhere has the Boston Strong logo. Even the MBTA buses.

I still seem to be in a down mood. I just can’t get out of the funk. I wish I could. But it is not easy. I have been in pain the past few days since going to the ball game on Thursday night. What usually is a fun time turn ugly as that night I couldn’t sleep and then had to wake up early the next day to go to my appointments. I have been playing catch up ever since and the pain is winning. I just can’t seem to get it under control. I thought I had it today but then around nine it flared its ugly head and back to sleep I went for a couple of hours. I should have taken a pain pill then, but I forgot to refill my pill box the night before. Right now my foot is cold despite it being under blankets. And my last toe on my left foot is throbbing like a SOB. It feels like I stubbed it but I didn’t so I don’t know where this pain is from. I know it is nerve pain because it is a stabbing, kind of throbbing. I just want to cut my toe off. I took a pain pill so hopefully it will calm down before I make it hurt.

My cousins from Virginia have been calling. I have been meaning to return their calls but I just don’t feel like talking. I just want to be left alone. I am just not in a talking mood. I know I might feel better if I do talk with them but I know I won’t be able to handle it if they start talking about the bombings. I just can’t talk about it without crying my eyes out. Even as I am writing this I am getting anxious just thinking about it.

I just can’t get over this fear that something more is going to happen. I don’t know if this is rational or not. I just want the fear to go away but I guess it is always there. We always know there are bad people out there that want to hurt other people for no reason. You got the mentally ill that think of these plots to kill people with automatic rifles like those used for the school shooting in Newtown. How can you be safe. I can’t stay home all the time. I have to go out some of the time. But it’s hard. It used to be my depression kept me in because I just didn’t feel like going out. Now it is more than that. I hope that with therapy I can get past it but I am not sure. I have not moved to the anger phase of the PTSD yet. I don’t know if I ever will. I am frightened. Sounds of motorcycles are like gunfire to me. I try not to let anyone know that I am scared. I have to appear to be strong. But my mother is noticing a change in me that I have not noticed before. I know part of the reason for my fears is because of my finances and how I am going to get on with just the few bucks I have in my pocket right now. I need to go grocery shopping but I don’t have enough to get all that I need. I can ask my mother for the money I gave her to save for me but then that will be last of my saved money and once it is gone, it is gone. I still have not paid the cable bill. But I think eating is more important. Oh and my doctor wants me to lose weight through all this. Wants me to lose just one pound. I told him I would try. But I have been eating junk food all day. I did good this morning. Had my bowl of cereal but then it all went to crap after I woke up from my nap to watch the game. How am I supposed to lose weight when I am stressed out and all I want to eat is a bag of chips??

Post Marathon feelings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression

Been looking at this blank document for the past hour trying to think of something to write. I saw my psychiatrist today and cried the whole half hour I saw her. I just couldn’t control myself. We tried talking about the sox and I cried. I tried to get her to get back on medication but she said that this is normal after the tragedy of last week and to ride it out. She said it is normal for me to be emotional right now. I just want it to stop because I just feel so ashamed of myself for crying in front of her. Even as I am writing this I am getting misty eyed.

I also saw my PCP today. He wants me to lose one pound. I said I will try and manage that. I haven’t had much of an appetite this week anyway. I just am not hungry. But right now I could go for some ice cream. I wish there was some in the house but there isn’t. I could go to the store but my fucking ankle has flared up so I won’t be going anywhere. I just took some pain meds. Hopefully it will settle down soon.

My psych doc said that if things don’t improve and I am not feeling safe, that I should consider the hospital. I am already thinking about it but I don’t want them to fuck up my meds. I am trying to handle this on my own but I am not sure if I can. I have never felt so insecure before. I know it’s normal to feel this way after the bombings and fire fight from last week but I want to feel better now. I have never felt so nervous before. I cry at the drop of a hat at little things. Every time I see or hear about Boston Strong, I start crying. A lot of money has been raised for the victims and families affected. I hope that it gets distributed fairly and the support is there for those that can no longer walk because they no longer have their legs. That must be so hard. There needs to be counseling for these people because it is going to make them very sad and possibly suicidal. The phantom pain alone can drive them mad.

Slowly Boston is pulling itself together. Meanwhile I just seem to be falling apart.