I have been up since 0900. it is now 0300 as I write this. My foot started really hurting at 0200, just when I was about to really get into some sleep. I took my meds just now as it has been a while and a muscle relaxer to try and see if I can sleep. I am just miserable because I have not been able to get a good night’s sleep in two days now. I hope that when I do fall asleep I really sleep.
I emailed my psychiatrist. My therapist is on vacation and there is no way I can talk to her for a check in so I emailed my pdoc. She is good about my emails. I don’t get any responses usually. So I just write what I feel and ship it off to her. I told her my suicidal thoughts have increased because of the pain, having my menses, and lack of sleep. I am thinking of taking rat poison. It’s a good thing I don’t have any on hand. It will take me some time to get it though as I don’t think mice poison will work as well. I will have to do some calculations to get the dose right and I hate math. I used to be good in math until I met Calculus. I sucked at it until my last term in high school. Now I can’t even do basic algebra. I forgot how to do it. good thing there is Google…
I really was having a good day today. Now it is spoiled by pain. I wish I did something to cause the pain but I didn’t. I was just laying in bed for the past few hours trying to get to sleep and playing on my laptop or checking twitter on my phone. I find that I can do stuff on twitter with my phone better than using the web. The phone has features that you don’t have on the web, which is strange. But then, I don’t design these things.
On a sad note, I found out Eileen Brennan passed away and my rookie shortstop for the Sox has been traded to the Tigers. I am deeply saddened by this. I loved Eileen and Iggy. Tonight Iggy made a base running error that was comical. I wish I could post it here but it’s against WordPress and probably MLB policy rights. If you Youtube Jose Iglesias and base running, I am sure there is a clip of it. Or not. I just checked and it’s not there. 😦
I liked watching Iggy play. I think he is a superb player. He has quick hands and a good bat. I am definitely not looking forward to seeing him in a Tigers uniform.
Eileen Brennan I will always remember her in Private Benjamin. I loved watching her there. I know she has played in other shows since then but her performance in Benjamin was hysterical, to me anyways.
So my demons are out and I have to live with them tonight because I am getting not respite from my relief medication. This totally sucks donkey balls. It’s also freezing in my room because I have the AC on. I am covered with my sheet and comforter. I am too lazy to shut off the ac because I know I will have to turn it back on in a few hours when my room gets hot again. Nothing worse than being woken up because you are hot. Maybe that is why I didn’t get any good sleep. My room was too warm, even though I have the ceiling fan running at high.
So these are my thoughts when I am in a bad place. This is why I call them the midnight demons. Because they are demons. they are the dark thoughts that no one wants to hear ever. I was talking to my cousin tonight about my pain and he gave me credit for handling it. I didn’t tell him it makes me want to commit suicide. I did tell him that if my PCP ever stops giving me my pain medication, he might as well sign my death certificate. There is no way that I can live without my pain meds. I am not saying I am addicted to them, because there are days where all I will need is one pill or no pills for a day or so. Then there are days like tonight that I need 4-6 pills to control my pain. I don’t take all of the 4-6 at once. Just 2 every 4-6 hours. In my desperate hours, I have taken 3-4 at once, when I am in a FUCK it mode. I thought about taking that tonight but decided against it. I really am scared about how the new policy my doc’s office has it going to affect me. I am hoping there is no radical change. I won’t be able to handle it. According to this new policy, I will only get a 28 day supply of meds and will need to be seen every month to get it refilled. It’s a standard policy that I have come across from the pain management docs that I have seen. the thing that scares me is that there is a clause that states that if my provider doesn’t see that i am getting better or that there is no change, he might decide to discontinue the medication. I have a condition that is not likely to improve at ALL. If I don’t take this medication, I am screwed. I will be in pain and will likely commit suicide because it will be the only option I have left. I cannot go on suffering like this. I just can’t. I have exhausted all possibilities that this will get better, no amount of physical therapy or other treatments are available to me. I know losing weight is a big thing. And I am trying to work on that but it is not easy. I love to eat which is part of my problem. Even now I am fighting the urge to have a bowl of cereal. But that will mean going down stairs to my kitchen and I don’t think going down stairs will help my pain.
It’s been an hour and a half that I have had this flare up and it doesn’t seem to show any signs of calming down. How I wish I could see my doc right now and tell him how badly I hurt. But my doc is not available at this hour, except for emergency docs which will be the on call doc who might not be mine and won’t know me from Adam. And even if I do page him, there is no guarantee that he or she will provide me with adequate relief at this hour, other than telling me to go to the ER. I hate this bullshit where I am in pain and there is nothing I can do about it other than pray my pain meds work or at least knock me out.
This is what I go through on a daily basis. Why I have not attempted to kill myself is a mystery to me. I have thought about it a thousand and one times and still have not made any attempt to kill myself in the past year and a half. I want to so bad though. I think it will provide me some relief that I am seeking. But if I am successful, then I will be ok. My family might be destroyed but I will be in a better place, I hope, where there is no suffering like this.
midnightdemons7 