Well, my pain hour has been activated. Every night, at the same time, my pain level increases no matter how much time I am resting my foot or what I am doing. If I am about to go to sleep, I will get zaps.
Tonight is no different. I am so tired of dealing with pain every single night. I was fine all day without too much pain. And that is what kills me. Because I don’t see my doctor after 8 pm, he never will know how much pain I am truly in. This pain is very deceiving. I just wish I knew what activates it so I can put a stop to it. I have tried taking my pain meds before the dreadful hour but that doesn’t seem to work. I have tried icing my foot before the hour and that just makes things worse. I just am in pain no matter what I do, whether I do nothing during the day or if I do have an active day. It is maddening. I did not leave the house today for any reason. Yet my pain level is the same as it would be if I did leave the house. I did go up and down the stairs a few more times than I normally do. But I have stayed in my house/room before and that still didn’t stop the pain from occurring. I just am flabbergasted.
I am not suicidal, though I should be. I really want to just die without having to do anything about it. I am tired of planning my death without acting on it. I am tired of trying to act on my thoughts when my stinking therapist foils my plans or my psychiatrist hospitalizes me because of my thoughts. I need a good pain reliever that will stop the pain before it hits not after. Because after you take your pain reliever, you have to wait a certain time for the next dose and that sucks while you are suffering.
I don’t get why people can euthanize an animal to end their suffering but it is wrong to do the same to a human being. To euthanize an animal is considered “humane” while human suffering is what exactly? Why is an animal have more rights than a human? And why is it that it is the person’s choice to end their suffering and it being denied to them because of state laws. That is why I don’t tell my therapist or psychiatrist I am suicidal most of the time. Because I know it will lead to a “suicide status” and I will be prevented from carrying out MY wishes. Yet 30,000 people commit suicide every year. I want to be one of those people. And I don’t have a problem with it. Yes my family will miss me and people will be hurt. But why should I continue to suffer from this non-malignant chronic pain that sucks the life out of me?
midnightdemons7 