spoon shortage

Spoon shortage

Earlier this week, my mother asked me where our big spoons were. I said I didn’t know, maybe the dishwasher ate them. She wasn’t amused.

It got me thinking about how much I need spoons lately. Just for me to shower and go to the store took more spoons than I realized. Spoons, for those that don’t know or are new to my blog, is a metaphor for energy based on a blog I read years ago. I have posted it here so you can try and understand what I am talking about.

I am in a lot of pain right now. I think I am done for the day and that is too bad because I wanted to see my Australian friend today. He said we would meet up sometime in the afternoon but I still haven’t heard from him. Maybe he is out of spoons, too. He was in a car accident the other day and has whiplash. He was hurting pretty good. Whiplash sucks. I experienced it once and never want to again. Tonight is also my nephew’s birthday party. I don’t know if I will be making an appearance or not. Depends if I can get this pain that I am feeling under control or not.

It sucks being in chronic pain. I haven’t had a break all week. Today was going to be a rest day but I had to shower and then go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I also wanted chocolate. So after my shower, I got dressed and went to the pharmacy. I also did some shopping as my mother wanted pudding. My protein bars were on sale so I grabbed some of those as well. I got home and my mother flipped out on the “junk” I bought. I didn’t say anything to her. I swear sometimes she thinks I uses HER money to buy MY stuff. I don’t. If I want to use my money to buy “junk”, then so be it. Least I didn’t order food like I wanted to. I have been craving Pad Thai but I am doing good and not buying it. I still have to go to the meat market and get my burgers. I also need to learn how to cut up an avocado so I can have it on my burger. I love avocados.

I was feeling some more of the self hate again today. I saw a shadow of me and one of things on my chest and I got really sad. I so want to be flat chested. It’s very distressing to me and I can’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t think I can even talk to my therapist about it because then she wants to “fix” the problem and have me see the people at the gay clinic. I just can’t be bothered with it. I just rather die than deal with it. Even if I could grow facial hair, I still will have breasts. And I doubt testosterone fixes that. It’s really hard for me to talk about. It’s just another thing about self-image that I cannot tolerate. My therapist says I don’t see myself, that the image is not what it is. She is right. I don’t see myself as a man and never will as long as things are the way they are. She just doesn’t get how much it hurts me to the point of wanting to take my life. And if I ever have the opportunity to take it, you know that damn well I will take it.