I received a letter today from my doctor’s office. Apparently, he is leaving the practice. I have worked with this guy for more than ten years. Now I got to work with someone I have never met. She is only interim until they find a replacement for my doc, but still, I have to work with someone new in dealing with my pain issues. I hope that she doesn’t give me a hard time about my pain meds and that I don’t have to have a three day supply because she is a “new” doc. My state just passed a law that all new patients on pain meds must have a three day supply of meds before becoming established. If that is the case, I am fucking screwed. I can’t survive a month on three days worth of pills. It’s not like I am technically a new patient as she is in the same practice as my doc but I will be new to her. I don’t know how this is going to work and it’s giving me tremendous anxiety. I feel like I should have killed myself last month so I didn’t have to deal with this bullshit.
I think I am going to have to make an appointment to see him anyways because my left eyelid is extremely itchy and dry. I feel like tearing it off, though I might just scratch it off. I don’t know if it’s dry because I have dry eyes or because I am chronically dehydrated. I know I am dehydrated because my pee is orange all the time. I just don’t drink a lot because I am afraid of peeing myself. I will usually have my 16 ounce coffee and then a 16 ounce drink, usually iced tea or lemonade with lunch/dinner and that will be all that I drink for the day. I might have more if I am thirsty but I never really get thirsty unless I am active. I will have sips of powerade when I take my meds. My night meds I tend to drink at least 4 ounces just to make sure I wash those suckers down. One of the pills I take is the size of a penny and I always have difficulty swallowing it so I always make sure to drink a lot to make sure it goes down. It’s usually the first pill I take so the others follow. I have a weird system of taking my meds but it works for me.
I don’t know what I am going to do with this new doctor. She doesn’t know me and I don’t know her. I tried looking her up on the practice’s website and of course, there is no information at all. I know she has been around the practice for a while because I have been at the hospital a long time before becoming disabled. I just never had her as a covering doc before, even if my doc wasn’t available. I usually got someone else in the practice. I like my doc because he is a good doc. He cares. Now I don’t know what I am going to do. If I don’t get my meds, they might as well sign my death certificate. I will die by suicide. The pain will just be too much like it has been tonight. I should be knocked out but the pain is still keeping me up. I can take another dose of meds in about an hour. I hated that I missed out on my sister’s party.
Someone gave my crazy cousin my number. She immediately asked if I had meds. That is one reason why I don’t keep in contact with her. She is looking for meds all the time, either to take or to sell. I can’t be associated with her. She is so pathological it’s not funny. I especially don’t like her because I told her about my voices and she made fun of me with her boyfriend one time. She is a jerk and always wanting attention. I hope she never calls me. I won’t answer the phone, now that I have her number. Just pisses me off because she used to be my favorite cousin and now she is scum. I am glad I didn’t have to deal with my father tonight. He is the last person I wanted to see today. I had enough of him yesterday.
My new favorite song is by Eric Church, Mr. Misunderstood. It is so fitting because I always feel like I am misunderstood. I even changed my Twitter name to the name of the song. I just hope the new doc understands chronic pain and is understanding. Otherwise, we are going to have problems. I really don’t want to have problems. It will just send me into a tailspin of depression. I am so nervous about seeing this woman. I haven’t had a woman PCP in years, not that gender matters. But the thing is, I just told my doc that I am transgender and that took a lot for me to tell him because I have been keeping it from him for at least three years now. And then he leaves? How am I supposed to process this??