Tolerating depression and suicide

Been reading “Suicide as Psychache” by my buddy Edwin Shneidman. He is such a verbose writer. And he uses obscure words. Reading it is like swallowing a dictionary. I just read a section that deals with highly suicidal persons in psychotherapy. He describes how to lower the perturbation and lethality to keep the person alive. As I was reading this, I was thinking about the first responders and police officers who deal with suicidal situations all the time. Their judgement must be quick. They don’t have the time to pull out a piece a paper and write down the reasons of their perturbations. They just have to quiet down the person enough to take them to the hospital for possible treatment, assuming the suicide was in progress when they approached. It is different than what goes on in the private office of the therapist.

I also have been thinking about my own suicidality. It’s hard not to when you are reading a book about the subject. I know I want to die. But as Shneidman states, death is always inevitable, so why rush it? I feel like I don’t want to get older. My birthday is coming up and I just cannot bear it. It has never been a source of joy in my adult years. I always dread it. It will be taking place in a little over a month. My therapist keeps on harping on the frustrated needs that I have that are pushing me to my death. It isn’t all about my needs that are pushing me to my death. I feel like I am not making a difference anymore. I hardly have any friends that I talk to on a regular basis. People think of me and I think of them but no contact happens.

Today I will be visiting my cousin’s wife. She is the wife of my Godfather who I was thinking of last week as it was his birthday. I will be going with my other cousins that I am close to. One of them is sympathetic to my depressions and suicidal states. The other is not so sympathetic. We have about a 45 min to an hour drive to see my Godfather’s wife. The ride is going to be interesting. I am nervous about this. I am not in a suicidal state, so that is good. But I am depressed. I know that I will put on my “happy” face so that I don’t worry them as we take this long drive.

I wish my menses would stop but I am still in the middle of the cycle. I so want to go back to wearing boxers. My cousins don’t know that I am transgender. It’s just not something we talk about. But then there are a lot of things we don’t talk about. One of my cousins just became a grandmother so I guess we will be talking about that for most of the ride. I have yet to meet the grandbaby. I hope I do someday. I am not that close to my “little” cousins as I once was. It’s hard when you don’t have a car. But it’s also hard when you don’t get invited to events in their lives.

I still feel empty inside, like I got nothing inside me. My heart is heavy. Nothing tastes good. I found an article about an antidiabetic medication that helps with depression. I passed it along to my pdoc to see if this med might work for me. It’s supposedly good for those with insulin resistance and I also have that. I hope my pdoc considers it. I will take anything that will help me at this point. If it will help fill this void that is called my life, I will try it. I haven’t looked into the drug. I will when my pdoc gives the okay to take it. I will look at the side effects and such. All I have been doing lately is tolerating my depression and suicidality. It’s all I can do lately.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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