I was supposed to see my psychiatrist today and cancelled late last night. I felt bad doing it but I was in too much pain from my outing with my friends and then I got another foot cramp. That settled it for me. I haven’t heard back from her, which probably means I need to email her again for another appointment time.

I am feeling really depressed today. I have been trying to stay in a good mood but today, the walls came down, hard. I just can’t stand being in pain for lengths of time. I know I have pain every day but this pain was around the clock, something I am not used to. And it was the same annoying pain. It never varied, which is why I needed to take my pain meds around the clock and if I didn’t, the pain would remind me to take it.

I think I was a little hypomanic and now I am crashing. I have no motivation to shower and I badly need one. I got away with brushing my teeth today but during the rinse cycle, damn back went into spasms. All I want to do is sleep but I am too restless to. I spent my checks on foolish things, but not really. The only thing that I bought on impulse was a messenger bag with a Pearl Jam logo on it. I have been wanting to get this bag for a while now and decided to get it. Now I am broke until my next pay period. I think I have enough left over to get a few prescriptions I might need during the month but that is all. I won’t be seeing my therapist this month. It’s just too much out of my budget. I did get my groceries. I knocked down the bill to less than $100 but I think when I added cold cuts it went up again. I tried. I won’t be trying my chicken and dumpling crockpot recipe until maybe next month.

I had therapy today. We talked about the crash. She agreed with me that it is a depression I am going through. I was really tired when we talked. She was worried about my back after I told her I had spasms while I was out last night, despite drinking water. I also told her I have no appetite. I am back to eating just one meal a day. Last night, I barely had anything to eat. All I had today was an egg burrito. I got heartburn afterwards because I haven’t been taking my heartburn pill all week. I haven’t taken any of my regular meds this week. I just don’t feel like taking meds. I will take my abilify and an Ativan so I don’t have side effects but that is all I will take. I just started taking the baclofen to try and ease the spasms. I really didn’t think the spasms in my foot last night were going to stop. It was terrible.

I have been thinking about how my therapist does things in regard to my suicidality. We will talk about it but we don’t really do anything about it. It’s like we know the elephant is in the room but we aren’t doing anything to make it go away. I often wonder why she doesn’t ask if I will be safe or have a safety plan in place when I start talking about suicide again and again. I know we do but sometimes I would like to be reminded about it.

any thoughts?

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