Free Association

Free Association

I am up and in pain so I thought I would write whatever was on my mind. I am tempted to shower but my foot would nix that in a heartbeat. I got 2 hours before my check comes in. I hope I am sleeping by then but something tells me that I am not. I didn’t even have any caffeine today, well nothing stronger than espresso and I only had half a cup. I had a latte around 1430, same time I always have it. Maybe I should make some coffee. I have never had it this late before. What is the latest you ever had coffee that wasn’t because it was work/school related?

My foot really hurts after all the cramping that I had. I emailed my psychiatrist and cancelled my appointment for tomorrow. I hated doing it but I had no choice. I can’t walk. And the appointment was really early. I still haven’t gone to bed yet. I know I should. I am awfully tired but I have this writing bug that if I don’t write, I can’t sleep. Normally I would journal but I thought it would be fun to blog this time.

I took some Neurontin to help me sleep. I tried Skyping a friend but it didn’t work. She had internet problems on her end so she couldn’t hear me. It was a bummer. In addition to showering, I need to brush my teeth. I was going to brush them today but I had the gags all day because I am not feeling well. I think I am going through withdrawal from one of my meds but I don’t know which on. My blood pressure is stable, though I haven’t been taking my meds. I have decided not to take my meds this week. I am in a real fuck it kind of mood. I did take my abilify. I have to take this med or I just go nuts.

Stigma and Ice Cream. I wrote a blog about that. It was a good blog but it was kind of weird because I started off talking about me being a loser in the first paragraph. I think I should cut it out. I want to add to it. And I just saved it instead of saving as. Fuck. Hopefully that won’t matter because I will add to it and it will be longer than what it is now. I will work on it tomorrow when I wake up. Hopefully, I will be in one piece.

We have been trying to get a new fridge for a while now. I am going to show my mother a couple of fridges I found online and see if she will buy one of them. We need a new fridge before our current one dies.

I think I am going to try and go to sleep. I keep typing typos and correcting them and it’s annoying me. I fucking hate that because it interferes with the speed of the typing.

I hope my psychiatrist isn’t going to be mad at me for cancelling my appointment with her. I would go and say the hell with my foot but I kind of need it to walk. And it hurts really bad right now. I don’t think I will be in any condition to leave the house at 0800 to be at her office by 1030 in a good space and pain free. Especially as it’s almost 0230 and I haven’t slept yet. I keep hearing a rumbling of voices outside my window. I know it’s probably the wind but I think someone is trying to talk to me.

So you want to hear something funny? My mother’s doctor was telling her that she had osteoarthritis and she told him no, like he had a screw loose or something. My sister got very frustrated with her. She deals with my mother. I deal with my father. But we are both losing our marbles over the two of them. They have it in their minds what is wrong with them and they are sticking to it no matter what science doesn’t agree with. It’s sad. But funny in way.

I got to seriously call the dentist and make an appointment. I think I have a cavity. I haven’t went in more than a year. But I don’t brush my teeth every day like some people do. I forget to brush my teeth or I just don’t feel like it. I wish the people in the window would stop talking. They are getting really loud.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Free Association

  1. Xeno says:

    tell the people in the window to stfu, tell ’em it’s from me.

    ‘say it to my face, and not online, and we’ll see what happens’

any thoughts?

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