So I went out

So I went out

I didn’t feel like going out today. I really didn’t. I wasn’t feeling good from the migraine I had this morning and my stomach felt off for most of the day. I barely ate while I was out with my friends for dinner. I took it home what I couldn’t finish. It will make a nice lunch tomorrow. But I had a good time and now I feel better, physically even though my ankle is being a brat. Tomorrow I have a longer day. I just hope I am up to the task. I see my psychiatrist in the morning. Therapist around noon time and then my father. I have switched my days going over to his apartment because of his little trip to NY with his GF. I can’t even spell it out because it makes me sick when he is with her. She is a nice lady and all, don’t get me wrong. But she will find out how rascally my father is one day and she is going to get hurt. I feel bad about this because it has disaster written all over it and she can’t see it. But they are having fun for now.

I was 45 minutes early for the next bus so decided to take a cab home. I am glad I did because I had to pee and waiting 45 minutes with my nerve condition would have been torture. I went and there was bleeding. I missed one fucking pill because out of it and I am bleeding already?? WTF. So I am not taking my meds tonight. Only Ativan because my back spasms are horrid. I even drank Gatorade today. I don’t know why I was cramping up. I drank a lot of water at the restaurant (hence why I had to pee). I didn’t drink any alcohol and I wasn’t up for it even though they were giving samples of it. I got carded. 40 years old and I got fucking carded. Unfucking real. The lady was doing math in her head and she couldn’t believe my age. I look young, what can I say?

I had therapy today. My therapist was in one of her moods where she talked and I listened. I didn’t care because I didn’t feel good. She kept asking me questions and I would answer them. Then she asked me what I was reading and I said you are just going to laugh. She laughed. I didn’t find it funny. She said it was to get it out of her system. Yea right. And the Pope is Irish. I told her about what I was reading even though she was laughing at my selection. She also asked if I was writing. I told her I wasn’t and she said not even blogs? I said yes to the blogs which I got a “oh” response. Like my blogs are nothing.

She asked if I was suicidal and I said I just want to die. End of story. She didn’t go into her tirade of questions afterwards for which I was grateful because it annoys me. I told her I didn’t shower today and had no plans to. I told her last time I did was Sunday. She was okay with this. Though I should shower before going to bed. I will take it in the morning. I did change my stupid underwear to female. I really want to fucking die now. I should have worn a diaper tonight. That would have been the ideal scenario. But I was too lazy to so I had messy drawers after my night out. Fuck.

It was warm today. I was bundled up like it was freezing out and it was in the 50s. Damn weather. I sweated my ass off. Another reason I should shower but I don’t fucking care. One night being dirty isn’t going to kill me. Several nights, that is a problem. But one night, I don’t think so. I still can’t believe I am bleeding though. WTF. After missing just one hormone pill? And it’s only Tuesday? I took two last night to catch up. A lot of good that did me. I am just so damn pissed.

I got email confirmation my doctor’s office can read an email! I got a 90 supply of one of my blood pressure pills. I am thrilled because now I don’t have to pay $20 for a 30 day supply, which is ridiculous! They messed up my other blood pressure pill but it’s still not as expensive as the 90 day one, and I got a 2 month supply so that was something. I just hope the stupid Walgreens alert refill doesn’t go off. It drives me crazy, especially when it goes off telling me to refill the meds I just picked up! Something is wrong with the app. I might have to uninstall/re-install it and see if that helps.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to So I went out

  1. it’s not allowing me to invite friends. my name is midnightdemon7, no s

  2. Xeno says:

    you said so in a previous post. now shut up and play ^__^

  3. how did you know i play chess?

  4. Xeno says:

    YOU CAN’T LEAVE THIS EARTH WITHOUT PLAYING ME IN CHESS >_<

    download the freakin' chess.com app already, add my username (elysid) and let me know when you'd like to play by responding to this comment!

    wishing you well.

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