Lost Sleep

Lost Sleep

I woke up about an hour ago because I had to pee. Now I can’t go back to sleep because my ankle and toes are having a contest as to who is going to hurt me more. I got to wait for the pain meds to kick in before I hopefully pass out again. I knew I would wake up because I went to bed at 2130.

I had one of my psychologist friends on Twitter respond to a tweet I posted about the black dog and how hopeless I am feeling. She says that I have skills and support to get through this. I don’t know what skills she is talking about. It’s hard to use anything when you feel hopeless. I just think this depression is never going to end because it’s gone on for two months now. The physical symptoms are still there. I still am not sleeping the way I should but my appetite is better. I wish the psychomotor retardation was gone. I’m still having slow thoughts at times. And I am feeling like I am walking through the mud.

We did get snow. A dusting so far but it’s still early. It’s supposed to continue around noon. I think I will be able to handle going out. I just have to find my boots.

I’m still thinking about death, my death. It would be easy if I had a place I can go to actually die but I don’t. I really don’t want to try something at home. I just have no where else to go. I can’t afford a hotel room. That would be ideal. I hate this feeling of being trapped. I wish I had a hideout place or something.

This episode of depression feels like I have never been depressed before in my life. I know that isn’t true and I know that I have had worse depressions than what I am feeling now. I am just so certain that this is going to last forever, that I am not going to get any relief. I think if it was going to pass, it would have passed by now and it just seems to be getting worse. I wasn’t hopeless and now that is increasing as time goes on. My heart is also feeling really heavy and I am not sure I can carry it. It’s the worst feeling in the world being weighed down by your feelings. It makes breathing difficult. It makes everything difficult. I have no energy to get myself dressed to go out. I have trouble reading as my concentration isn’t so great. I sometimes wonder what I was thinking when I increased my reading challenge to 40 books to read this year. I read 6 so far but I haven’t touched a book all week. I just have been reading Twitter and Facebook. I tried reading Dostoevsky last night and my eyes couldn’t keep on track as I was so tired. I finally figured out how to use the highlight function as a bookmark. I have so many books to read and I just am overwhelmed. I have an interest in reading but then I don’t. And I keep buying books because I am a bibliophilic. It’s so hard to read when you have depression. Usually, I can do it. This episode, I cannot. The attention span just isn’t there and neither is the interest. I have lost pleasure in reading. Least this depression I haven’t lost my taste buds. Things have flavor. Last depression, everything tasted bland.

I wish I could sleep. I am getting sleepy as my meds are kicking in. I hope I get to sleep till at least 0900. Otherwise, this day is going to suck.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Lost Sleep

  1. nayardt says:

    It’s ok to feel sad. Don’t expect too much of yourself. Relax. I’ve been in your shoes and worse and trust me I’m so much better now. If I could you definitely can. It takes time but things will get better.

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