TG Issues 7: Name Change

TG Issues 7: Name Change

I have been struggling with my identity for the past two months because I had to play “daughter” while my father was sick and dying. Now that he is gone, I am still struggling because I keep receiving mail addressed to my birth name as well as on Facebook. Despite me kindly telling my close friends that I no longer want to be called my birth name, people forget and so call me what they always call me. They don’t know that it is hurtful. Even today while I was at my psychiatrist’s office it was apparent she didn’t know what to call me. She thought I was still changing my name to Alex when I made the decision to be called GC or G two years ago. I have never signed an email to her with that name so I am not sure where she got it from. I did go by Alex for a while when I was playing around with names. In my memoir, I think I said my name is Mike. I thought about Mike for a long time because it’s something that I always liked to be called. But I am so used to people calling me G that I think Mike would be a bigger transition. I do go by Mike on this blog. I might use it as my middle name as I don’t have one.

A fellow blogger wrote about her identity issues and that got me thinking of my own. For some reason, today my breasts feel so heavy and disproportionate to my body it’s not funny. They just seem bigger than they normally are and it’s driving me crazy because I just want them removed. And that is where the self-loathing comes in. I hate who I am. I hate having to play a female and now that my father is gone, I know I don’t have to but yet I still do because I haven’t made steps to be a male. I am kind of scared of going that step. I know that if I don’t, I will just kill myself, eventually. It’s bad enough that I am dying every day pretending to be someone I am not. I am not an uncle to my kids or a brother to my sisters. I am not even a son to my mother. Course she doesn’t know and I don’t think I am going to tell her. I have thought about it a thousand times but she thinks one way and I know she will think that someone is “influencing” me to be male. Just like they were influencing me to be homosexual. I love women. I have no idea how I am to have a relationship with one once I transition but hopefully it will work out. And if it doesn’t, I am fine being single.

I just feel really out of sorts right now. While I was in the hospital, there was confusion over my sex because one institution had me as a female and the psych hospital had me as a male since my last admission. It was so stupid and then the admitting psychiatrist asked me if I could be a female just for one night. Why not, I have been acting it all my life. Just shrink my heart a little more than it already is shrunk. Eventually I will have nothing left and hopefully I will die a heartless human being that is a female. It kills me to play a female part because I am not “out”. Like tomorrow when I am out with friends and with my friend’s kids. I will be called “aunty” because that is what I have always been called. I will be called my birth name because that is what is what they know by. It’s like I have to hide myself every time I am with someone that doesn’t know I am a male.

I am really confused by my identity issues. I know I am a male. I feel male in every aspect of my life. I wear male clothing year round except for that time of year when I have break through bleeding due to my biological cycle. I no longer have control over that but it doesn’t make me pure suicidal when it happens like it used to. I know that I have to have menses at least once a year or there will be problems. I just wish the problem, the uterus, can be taken out as it’s useless to me. I hear there are now transplants of uteruses. They can take mine for free if they want it that bad. It’s hasn’t been used at all for female things so I am sure it is viable! And if it’s not, just toss it in the pathological fireplace. I do not need it. I never wanted kids and still do not want kids. Men do not have kids.

Then I think this is all in my head and that I need conversion therapy or something but my therapist always reassures me that what I feel is what I feel. She gets me and calls me a guy, her buddy. We don’t hang out or anything (that would be too weird and awkward), but she accepts me. I just have a hard time accepting me sometimes. I hate myself because I am not who my mind thinks I am. And it hurts something awful. It hurts so much that I want to kill myself at times. I never put two and two together until I realized my menses were a huge part of the suicidal urges. Yea, PMDD had nothing on my suicidality. I had come so close to killing myself just before I would start bleeding it’s really a miracle I am still alive. The intensity of being suicidal was immense. And it was because I felt and feel like a man yet I was bleeding like a woman. How fucking confusing is that? Even when I got my menses so many years ago, I felt hatred because everyone was calling me a woman and I was like I am still a boy. It hurt so much and I am not talking about the physical aspects of the menstrual cycle. I wanted to die since I was eight years old. By the time I got my menses, that intensity increase triple fold. I so wanted a penis like my friend Tony. He is the male friend that I grew up with. I had hid myself and played the part of female for so long. Now it’s time to be a male and I am not sure how to come out. I am disgusted with myself. I hate my breasts. I hate myself period. I hate that I have to take meds to stop my menses but if I don’t it just kills me or will kill me.

The first thing that I am going to do is change my name. after that, I think I will be more comfortable going to the LGBT center to get testosterone treatments to become a male. I need to or I might as well join my father in hell or where ever you go when you die.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to TG Issues 7: Name Change

  1. Sorry you’re feeling rotten. I had some thoughts while reading this, that I’d like to run by you. Have you looked into hysterectomy? Or endometrial ablation? That would get rid of your menses, at least. And you wouldn’t have to take OCPs. I’m sure you’ve thought of those options already, but just in case.

    I’m in touch with another TG F>>M friends who is also bipolar, and he has had a hell of a time with T setting off his bipolar. I took it for several years, and I was already batshit crazy so I don’t know whether the T had anything to do with it or not. I did get rTMS during that time, and felt like myself for the first time in my life. I think I need to go for some more.

    Sending big hugs….

    • I haven’t looked into hysterectomy only because I am still of “child bearing years”. I am meeting with my repro endo doc later this year and will bring it up to her. If I am really meant to live, I don’t want to be on OCP and then go through menopause. That will just kill me. Is your FTM friend bipolar 1 or 2? I only ask because 1 tends to be more severe than 2 so might not be the best for T treatment. I have no idea how I will react to T and am afraid it might just make me impulsive enough to end my life, but that is my fear and I am sure the docs will know that. I have no idea what they start you off with. I am assuming they start off low and increase as you go but I could be wrong. I will talk to my psych about it. She is really good about this stuff.

      • If you have a reasonable GYN they will usually do a hys for someone who is solidly TG and has corroboration from psych. My TG friend didn’t know he was BP, thought his depression was gender dysphoria related, but after he started T he got psychotic and sectioned. Haven’t been in touch for a while, need to be. So at that point it wasn’t clear if BP I vs 2. They definitely start low on the T and increase gradually, watching for side effects (like mania). Sounds like you’ve got good medical support. Hope you get good support from the LGBT community so you can have the whole biopsychosocial system, finally, and have community. It makes all the difference.

  2. Kendra says:

    Please feel free to message me if you need an ear to listen.

  3. mm172001 says:

    What are you going to do for your name change? GC? I’m out of school so feel free to message me.

  4. manyofus1980 says:

    this post was so powerful it made me cry. I could really get how much you are struggling with all of this. good luck with the name change. i am here and i accept you just want you to know that. xoxo

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