Dentist and other things
I finally went to the dentist after a two year hiatus. I have a cavity that I kind of knew I did while he was cleaning my teeth. It was very painful when he was scraping that particular tooth. I have to go back Monday for the filling. I will need to take an Ativan before hand as I don’t like needles when they are pointed at me. It will just freak me out like it did the last time I had a cavity, which thankfully has been years. I had the dentist look at the corner of my mouth to see if it was a canker or a cold sore. It was a canker. So now I need to get some medicine to help it heal as it is painful every time I open my mouth. It was killing me while getting my teeth cleaned. I hope it’s gone by Monday.
After the dentist, I went to get a coffee. I tried writing in my journal but kept on getting distracted by a kid that was sitting opposite from me. He was so damn jittery. He kept on kicking the chair next to me. I was getting so damn annoyed. Then I decided maybe I would write the letter to the hospice place to thank the nurse and social worker. Nothing came to me. I hated the chair I was sitting at because it wasn’t the chair I usually sit in. I was facing the door and kept on getting distracted by all the customers coming in and out of the store. Today was a very distracting day. I couldn’t focus on anything. So I caught the next bus home.
While I was home, I was thinking about what to write for the hospice place and I finally was able to write something. Now I just need to show it to my sisters and get their signatures so I can mail it. I am glad it got done. One less worry off my plate. Now I just need to get in touch with the social worker so I can talk with her. I think it will be helpful so I am not taking up time with my therapist about my father all the time. I wish I was seeing my therapist next week. I’d really like to have a session where we talk about this face to face so I can get her impressions. See therapy goes both ways. She does her thing and I do mine and we call it a therapeutic exchange.
I had time today to call for a PT appointment but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with morons or to really talk to people. My case is very specific and I probably will need to talk to the director of the place to see if I can get the care I need. I don’t want the run of the mill therapist that just throws exercises at you. I need someone willing to work with me because I am injured in my other ankle. If that is too much, then I will just get exercises from the internet and do PT that way. I found 3 exercises that are made for the Achilles. Two seem doable to me. The third will be kind of hard because I will have to bear weight on my left ankle/foot (bad one). I read the prescription and it’s eccentric exercises that I need to do. I will google those later.
When I came home, I was wicked agitated. I sort of calmed down with the writing and talking to the voices. Some new ones have been added but they aren’t harmful. They just ask a lot of fucking questions and criticize what I say most of the time. They also are nosey and want to know what I am doing, what I am writing, what I am reading, why I am reading and not writing, etc. It’s tiresome. Tonight we were talking about going back to college, which is still a sore spot for me. If I had stayed at my job and didn’t move on to the research one, I probably would have got my degree by now. All the what ifs started playing over. The major thing was having a psychotic break in 2008 and not being able to return to college afterwards because the meds made my cognition so difficult. It interfered with my thinking. I couldn’t get off my meds so I had to take an incomplete for the class I was taking. Because I then dropped out, I got an F for the class. My GPA is probably in the negative or zero now, not like it was high to begin with. But now that I am not working, the voices want me to go back to school, probably so they can fuck me over again. I am not convinced I can go to school and still collect my Long Term Disability (LTD). I don’t even know what the stress of going to school is going to do with me. I am kind of scared but I don’t have the money for college so I am not too worried about it now. Unless I hit the lottery, then I will worry about it. But then, I wouldn’t have to worry about the financial things like that anyways. I need to play the PowerBall. It’s 140 million, last I checked anyways.
I canceled my Netflix subscription. I haven’t watched an episode of Friends in at least two weeks. I don’t know why I should pay for something if I am not using it every day. Or at least, every other day. I knew this would happen. I just am not a person to watch TV shows. I rather read books. And I got a lot to read because the pile keeps getting higher instead of lower. I just bought 10 books on Kindle. I have no idea why but I did. It was a once in a lifetime deal though. I got it all for $15. One of the books I have the hardcopy of so now I can read it either way. That is if I can get through the stuff I am currently reading. I have two books I am actively reading and one that is my “whenever I feel like it”. The 4th and 5th books are my leisure books. I read those when I want a break from the other stuff I am reading. I don’t know how I got to 5 books that I am reading but I did. It’s working out and hopefully I will finish all five by the end of the year.