therapy and not sleeping

I had therapy again today. She again brought up negative symptoms. She is afraid of her losing me, whatever that means. I told her I just feel nothing, like everything is blunt. I also feel flat. Her fear is that the longer this goes on, the more I am going to feel this way. I don’t get why this is of concern. Maybe I am missing something that she just isn’t explaining well enough.

We also talked about the possibility of seeing someone while she is away for a couple of weeks in August. She brought up the question of whether I would see someone DBT like as an adjunct therapist. I have no intention of seeing someone other than my therapist and my psychiatrist. I don’t think I will see someone while she is away. I probably will just write letters like I usually do when she is gone. It’s going to be a long two weeks. I need to find out if my psychiatrist will be away the same time. That will suck but it is a possibility. I will find out Monday when I see my psych.

I didn’t sleep well again last night. I woke up like every couple of hours. I wasn’t in pain or anything. I just slept for two hours here, three there and then woke up thinking it was time to wake up, but it wasn’t. I did finally get to sleep after the fourth time I was up. I slept for about five hours before my phone went off. Someone was calling me but I think it was the wrong number because they didn’t leave a message. And my mother called at her normal time to see if I was going out today. I don’t plan on it. I am just too tired. I am having coffee to try and wake up but it’s not doing much for me.

I might go to the grocery store to get some cream. I am almost out. I just don’t know if I am have the energy to do it. It’s much cooler today than it has been. I finally have the AC off as it’s really cold in my room. I like the cold but not freezing cold.

I need to call the PT place to set up an appointment. I do but don’t want to go to therapy. It’s down the street from me so it’s not like I will be going far. It’s just my fear that it’s going to cause more pain than what I am already in. And there is no guarantee that it’s really going to help me. I think docs like to send you when they don’t know what else to do for you.

Looks like today I am just going to sleep. I have no energy. I have no motivation. I don’t have anything that I really need to do today. I might get a Zipcar next week and see my therapist. All depends on if I get my funds.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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