Random 449

Random 449

Last night I almost had a meltdown again. I couldn’t sleep. My brain was way wired and the songs in my head were so fucking loud. I emailed my psychiatrist because I didn’t know what to do. I clearly explained what was going on with the voices and the pain that I have been experiencing. I told her how I felt about having to deal with both illnesses and feeling like a junkie (the latest word the voices are telling me). I just wanted some reassurance I wasn’t a junkie because of all the meds I take including my pain meds. She wrote back a little while ago and said that she understood and that I wasn’t a junkie by any measure. That helped, it really did.

I meant to go out today but when I woke up, I didn’t feel like it. I slept the entire afternoon. If my mother didn’t make dinner, I doubt I would eat something. I just have no motivation to do a damn thing but lay my head on a pillow and sleep. I had a rough night and I knew I would feel like shit when I woke up. I could have gotten dressed anyways and made it out to Starbucks. I really wanted to start the chapter I need to read and I figure if I read at least 10 pages a day for the next 6 days, my mission will be complete. But I got to really make some effort in reading it. I also need to print out the email that tells me what I am suppose to critique in this chapter. I hope to do so tomorrow.

My sister called me this morning to ask how I was. I told her I was fine. She was at work and I didn’t want to worry her. And besides, what good will it do? She can’t do anything for me. Things will just work out on its own. I think I might have to go in the hospital, eventually. But I got to wait for the pain to quiet down some. I don’t know when that will be but I know that it needs to be soon if I am going to have any sanity left.

I totally overspent this month on my budget. I forgot to budget for my transportation cost and now I am left with only a few dollars for the month. I am suppose to get a check soon from the state and I hope it’s sometime this month. I bought some hamburger and hotdog rolls that are going to go to waste if I don’t buy the meat for it. I hate wasting bread. Unfortunately, when I placed my online order, they didn’t have my hotdogs. I was so mad. They credited me and all, but I got the rolls but no hotdogs.

If I am a junkie, it’s to Oreo’s new Oreo Thins. It’s just the right amount of cookie and cream. Only thing is I can eat a package at time. And the packages are small to begin with. I think that will be my snack as I haven’t had one all day. I will have some soy milk with it. I have been drinking more soy milk than regular milk lately because my bowels don’t like it much and I don’t have to worry about going unexpectedly.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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