Last night I almost had a meltdown again. I couldn’t sleep. My brain was way wired and the songs in my head were so fucking loud. I emailed my psychiatrist because I didn’t know what to do. I clearly explained what was going on with the voices and the pain that I have been experiencing. I told her how I felt about having to deal with both illnesses and feeling like a junkie (the latest word the voices are telling me). I just wanted some reassurance I wasn’t a junkie because of all the meds I take including my pain meds. She wrote back a little while ago and said that she understood and that I wasn’t a junkie by any measure. That helped, it really did.
I meant to go out today but when I woke up, I didn’t feel like it. I slept the entire afternoon. If my mother didn’t make dinner, I doubt I would eat something. I just have no motivation to do a damn thing but lay my head on a pillow and sleep. I had a rough night and I knew I would feel like shit when I woke up. I could have gotten dressed anyways and made it out to Starbucks. I really wanted to start the chapter I need to read and I figure if I read at least 10 pages a day for the next 6 days, my mission will be complete. But I got to really make some effort in reading it. I also need to print out the email that tells me what I am suppose to critique in this chapter. I hope to do so tomorrow.
My sister called me this morning to ask how I was. I told her I was fine. She was at work and I didn’t want to worry her. And besides, what good will it do? She can’t do anything for me. Things will just work out on its own. I think I might have to go in the hospital, eventually. But I got to wait for the pain to quiet down some. I don’t know when that will be but I know that it needs to be soon if I am going to have any sanity left.
I totally overspent this month on my budget. I forgot to budget for my transportation cost and now I am left with only a few dollars for the month. I am suppose to get a check soon from the state and I hope it’s sometime this month. I bought some hamburger and hotdog rolls that are going to go to waste if I don’t buy the meat for it. I hate wasting bread. Unfortunately, when I placed my online order, they didn’t have my hotdogs. I was so mad. They credited me and all, but I got the rolls but no hotdogs.
If I am a junkie, it’s to Oreo’s new Oreo Thins. It’s just the right amount of cookie and cream. Only thing is I can eat a package at time. And the packages are small to begin with. I think that will be my snack as I haven’t had one all day. I will have some soy milk with it. I have been drinking more soy milk than regular milk lately because my bowels don’t like it much and I don’t have to worry about going unexpectedly.