Saturday Blog 60

Saturday Blog 60

My mother and I were invited to a party at my cousin’s house but it got canceled due to “rain”. I wasn’t planning on going so I would have the house to myself. I got up around 1400 and my mother was home. I asked her why and she said it was because of “rain”. I looked outside and it was clear as day out. Whatever. I asked if she wanted coffee as I was going to make some and she said yes. After I made the coffees, I went back up to my room where it was cooler. I had a pop tart but really wanted to make a hot dog. I might make one later when I am watching the game. I also want tater tots so I might make them as well.

After I drank my coffee, I again felt sleepy so I laid down. I didn’t fall asleep. I started thinking about my father and the day my sister finally realized he was dying. She got wicked upset with me that day and it was the last time I cried for him. As I was thinking about this, I thought I was going to start crying but I held back. I couldn’t let the tears flow. The voices have been awful today and I felt they would make fun of me if I started crying. I just took my dose of trilafon and I think I am going to have to email my psychiatrist. I don’t have enough to get me through till Friday when I see her again, not at taking two a day anyways. I have been rationing it but it hasn’t been working out. The voices are just too demanding lately and I need 8 mg a day. 4 is just not carrying me through.

My ex-favorite pitcher, Jon Pabelbon, got released from his team today. He is now an official dickhead. Most of Red Sox Nation want to see him back but he has done poorly all season, hence why he has been released. He wasn’t happy where he was but said that he would like to come back to Boston. Personally, I don’t want him back. I don’t think it will be good for the team.

I am glad the game is on at 1900 tonight rather than it being a day game. It gives me something to do during the evening hours, even though my sleep is affected, usually. Depending on a win or loss, I tend to get emotional and it takes me a while to calm down enough to sleep, even if I take my meds. Then I usually get overtired and that leads to me staying up later. I am just glad the team is at home and not playing late like they were last week.

I wrote a letter to my therapist in a notebook from 3 years ago. I have a few blogs in there that I think I typed up but I don’t remember. I would have to look at my archives to see if I did or not. In between there are some journal entries mixed with at least one or two letters. My writing just went on and on. I told my therapist in the letter I wrote last night it was up to her if she wanted to read the pages or not. I thought about tearing out the pages but there were more than at least 10 pages and it would wreck the composition book. It isn’t a spiral notebook where it would be easy to tear out the pages.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Saturday Blog 60

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    sorry the voices are bad. it is ok to cry though. it might help if you were able to. hope you get the meds and don’t run out. XXX

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