I’m listening to the game. It just started. I haven’t done anything all day but sleep. I had a rough night sleeping and didn’t really go to lala land until 0600. I was up most of the night. I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I was in pain and to request more trilafon but again, she hasn’t called it in yet. If there is still no response from her by tomorrow afternoon, I plan on paging her. I have 4 pills left.
Pain is still there. I can bear weight on my leg but not too much. I am still limping around. Stairs are still difficult. I didn’t dare go out today, course I slept for most of the day. I haven’t worked on the questions for the chapter on Adler. I plan on working on that tomorrow, if I don’t have any problems sleeping tonight. I am not anticipating it because the pain levels are not that bad. I had taken a lot of meds last night to try and control the pain. Usually after taking my strong pain meds, I am out like a light but it didn’t happen. It brought the pain level down to an 8 but I could not get it lower than that, which is why I was up most of the night.
My mother called to say she was making dinner and I asked if she could make lazy man’s mac and cheese. I wanted some comfort food. It was very good. Then not even an hour later, I was hungry again so I made a tuna sandwich. I really haven’t eaten much today because I have been sleeping. I also haven’t had anything to drink. I did while I had my sandwich and macaroni. I am probably dehydrated because it’s still fucking humid. I have my AC working again, thank god. I don’t think I will need to buy a new one. It’s not going to matter because I will be gone soon.
A close friend of mine read my past couple of blogs that I wrote. She is worried about me because I mentioned that I will be ending my life soon. She wants me to get a hold of my doctor. I told her I would tomorrow, if she didn’t call in my meds. I was seriously contemplating paging her around 0300 when I was at my wits end with pain. I didn’t know what to do anymore and I was losing my mind. I was so tired but I couldn’t sleep. I was listening to music, writing, talking with the voices. Nothing was helping. I was too tired to read or play games on my Kindle. I finally decided to watch an 11 year old from the UK play the blues on his electric guitar. He is very good. One of his songs I really had a guitar gasm. I love hearing good guitar playing. The guitar is my favorite instrument. I plan on getting his debut album when I get paid next week. His music helped my overtired brain and I was able to get to sleep.
It was weird not having therapy today but I was grateful because I woke up briefly around 1330, which would have been after my appointment. I am missing my therapist. I did text her a few times while I was up in pain. I thought about writing her a letter but I couldn’t have clear thoughts and I really didn’t want to use a pen. Surprisingly, I didn’t think of ending my life the whole time I was in horrible pain. I guess because I am going to in the next few weeks, I don’t have to worry about it so much. The only thing I need to worry about is actually walking to my destination.