Random 268

I’m listening to the game. It just started. I haven’t done anything all day but sleep. I had a rough night sleeping and didn’t really go to lala land until 0600. I was up most of the night. I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I was in pain and to request more trilafon but again, she hasn’t called it in yet. If there is still no response from her by tomorrow afternoon, I plan on paging her. I have 4 pills left.

Pain is still there. I can bear weight on my leg but not too much. I am still limping around. Stairs are still difficult. I didn’t dare go out today, course I slept for most of the day. I haven’t worked on the questions for the chapter on Adler. I plan on working on that tomorrow, if I don’t have any problems sleeping tonight. I am not anticipating it because the pain levels are not that bad. I had taken a lot of meds last night to try and control the pain. Usually after taking my strong pain meds, I am out like a light but it didn’t happen. It brought the pain level down to an 8 but I could not get it lower than that, which is why I was up most of the night.

My mother called to say she was making dinner and I asked if she could make lazy man’s mac and cheese. I wanted some comfort food. It was very good. Then not even an hour later, I was hungry again so I made a tuna sandwich. I really haven’t eaten much today because I have been sleeping. I also haven’t had anything to drink. I did while I had my sandwich and macaroni. I am probably dehydrated because it’s still fucking humid. I have my AC working again, thank god. I don’t think I will need to buy a new one. It’s not going to matter because I will be gone soon.

A close friend of mine read my past couple of blogs that I wrote. She is worried about me because I mentioned that I will be ending my life soon. She wants me to get a hold of my doctor. I told her I would tomorrow, if she didn’t call in my meds. I was seriously contemplating paging her around 0300 when I was at my wits end with pain. I didn’t know what to do anymore and I was losing my mind. I was so tired but I couldn’t sleep. I was listening to music, writing, talking with the voices. Nothing was helping. I was too tired to read or play games on my Kindle. I finally decided to watch an 11 year old from the UK play the blues on his electric guitar. He is very good. One of his songs I really had a guitar gasm. I love hearing good guitar playing. The guitar is my favorite instrument. I plan on getting his debut album when I get paid next week. His music helped my overtired brain and I was able to get to sleep.

It was weird not having therapy today but I was grateful because I woke up briefly around 1330, which would have been after my appointment. I am missing my therapist. I did text her a few times while I was up in pain. I thought about writing her a letter but I couldn’t have clear thoughts and I really didn’t want to use a pen. Surprisingly, I didn’t think of ending my life the whole time I was in horrible pain. I guess because I am going to in the next few weeks, I don’t have to worry about it so much. The only thing I need to worry about is actually walking to my destination.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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