Games and Grief
There are two games going on currently, the Sox (baseball) and the Pats (football). The Pats are winning and my Sox are dreadfully losing. I swore at them in the first inning when the pitcher game up a 3 run homerun. I literally turned off the TV and said fuck you in front of my mother but I don’t think she heard me because I probably would have either been yelled at or smacked. I was so pissed off.
My sister asked me to babysit my niece and the game only got worse as the night went on. Better for the Pats, even though their star kicker missed field goals that he normally would have hit. So instead of being ahead by 6 more points we aren’t. I forget what the score is right now. 9-3 I think.
I am feeling really agitated and I don’t know why. I already have taken 8 mg of trilafon for the day. I have taken my night meds which includes an Ativan so I am waiting for that to kick in. I have stopped looking at Twitter for game updates. It’s either making me laugh or feel really sad.
My sister still has pics of my father hanging around the house since after the funeral. I almost lost it again today but held it together. It has been four months since he has passed. I was reading a blog about how I started drinking after my father was in the hospital for something that I thought was my fault. In the blog, I didn’t say what he was in for but it really upset me. The blog was in Oct of 2014. I think that was when he had a GI bleed.
My father has been on my mind the past few days. I still can’t get the last time I looked at him while he was alive out of my head. I had just given him some medication and just stared at him for a little while. He died probably not even a half hour after that. So surreal.
I feel really sad and have been fighting back tears for the last two days. Yesterday, I opened a drawer and found his hankies that I had taken while going through his clothes after we cleaned out his apartment. I almost lost it then. I had forgotten about them and did wonder where I had put them.
A friend of mine just lost her mother maybe a week ago. She is having a hard time with the loss. Everything she does reminds her of her mother. Cleaning out her house was the toughest. I feel her pain, I really do. No one prepares you for the loss of a parent. It’s not in any school and your parents certainly don’t prepare you. It just happens and then you are left wondering what the hell happened. Was there more that could have been done for him/her? You hope they didn’t die in pain. I know my father didn’t die in pain. He passed away peacefully in his own bed, just like he wanted to. And my father always got what he wanted above all else.