Civic Duty and other things

Civic Duty and other things

I saw my neurologist, who wasn’t really helpful in figuring out why I listen to music in my head all the time. She thinks it might be my antipsychotic causing the problem, or some medication that I am taking. So as long as the lyrics don’t tell me to kill myself, I am to live with the music stuck, on repeat, in my head. Just fucking lovely. Not only do I have to live in pain, I got to deal with this bullshit.

After the appointment, I was kicking myself for not bringing my Kindle to read as it was a long train ride back to town. I decided to do my civic duty because they were holding city elections today. So I did that. As I just got off the bus, and the next one would probably be at least a half hour to an hour, I decided to walk home. I didn’t want to stand around for the next bus. It was a long walk but I was feeling okay. That all changed once I hit the main street where I live. I was maybe ¾ home when my ankle was saying fuck you. The other side of the street was blocked off with cones so I wasn’t sure if I could cross where I was. So I decided to be a good citizen and walk to the crosswalk as it was close to my house anyways. While going by a convenience store, I decided to play the Powerball game as it’s $555 million. I expected to be in and out but nope, I got behind a guy that was playing all sorts of numbers left and right. I was ready to just walk out when he finished playing close to $40 worth of lottery numbers. Unreal. I got my quick pick and hurried home. I was starving and I was getting hot because it was really humid out. The last time I ate was around 0530 this morning. And it was now around 1230.

I came home and made a cheeseburger. I cooked it really well. In fact, I think I overcooked it to my tastes but the burger was sitting in the fridge for a few days and I wanted it well done. My ankle was not happy with the cooking. I changed and went up to my room with the AC on and rested. About an hour later, exhaustion struck and I needed a nap. My cousin must have called about an hour later. I knew what that was about. My mother wasn’t home yet so that meant she went shopping. No way was I going up and down stairs with my ankle screaming at me. I ignored the calls. They knew I was home and my mother was bullshit. But my cousin is a fairly healthy male so why the fuck can’t he bring the bags upstairs?? It pisses me off that I am expected to just because I am home. So I didn’t care that my mother was mad. My ankle is killing me and I still have two appointments tomorrow that I need to attend to. I have no idea how I am going to manage. I need to get my pain meds refilled and I need to see my psychiatrist.

I am really hoping the “black box” warning I heard about doesn’t affect me tomorrow. I will really be bullshit if I don’t get my meds because of these stupid warnings. But I won’t know until then whether or not I will get my meds. It’s a worry that is in the back of my head.

I wrote a little bit in my journal this morning as I had time before my appointment. I had about an hour so I was really early. I rather be early than late anyways. And with the T, it’s better to be early. I just wish I had my Kindle so I could knock down some Dostoevsky. I really wasn’t thinking about it because I had such a shitty sleep and woke up an hour and a half before my alarm went off. I didn’t dare try to go back to sleep because I really wanted to make coffee. I made it perfectly and it was so good, I wish I had more so I could have had a second cup.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Civic Duty and other things

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    I’ve had 3 lattes! lol. I bought them today there are 8 in the box, I bet they are gone by tomorrow. so sorry your in so much pain, that stinks. thinking of you tonight. xoxo

any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s