Saturday Blog 64

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I woke up every few hours. When I got up, I made coffee but my half and half was sour so I couldn’t drink the coffee. I wanted to go to the grocery store so I went to get my pumpkin stuff and some bacon. I also bought celery so I can add it to my tuna sandwiches. I thought I would have enough energy to make the cupcakes but I don’t. I just want to go back to sleep.

OSU won 58-0 against Rutgers. And Nebraska is winning right now in the first quarter 7-0. I would watch the Nebraska game but I just can’t. I want to be on my bed resting my leg. I am in pain again from walking around the store and then going to Walgreens to pick up my prescription.

After I came home, I was starving because I didn’t have lunch. I had some Naan with some tuna my mother made. I ate all the tuna and most of the Naan. Then I had a nectarine. Now I am bloated and very sleepy.

I keep thinking of my date and what I am going to do about it. If I don’t go through with my plan, I will feel like a failure. If I try and don’t succeed, then at least I tried and that will be that. But I won’t know unless I try and I want to die very badly. I am feeling all sorts of feelings about this. Sadness is the chief one, guilt is another. I know I don’t have to do this but what choice do I have? The thought of living through this nightmare is astounding. I can’t take the pain day in and day out anymore, not when my daily living activities are involved. There are some days I can’t even stand long enough to brush my teeth. How is this living?

My therapist is working hard so that things don’t come to an end soon. In the end, it’s really just my battle and my battle alone. I have tried to prepare her for my death but she doesn’t want to hear one word of it. I have three sessions this week with her, one of which will be in person. I get to drive out there and see her. I am hoping to have my pumpkin cupcakes made tomorrow to take with me when I go. She’ll like that.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Saturday Blog 64

  1. Paper Doll says:

    It sounds like unimaginable pain. I don’t have any idea what you are going through and I won’t pretend to, but I want to say in my opinion that letting the date pass doesn’t make you a failure.

    Plans change all the time, and if this particular one changes I would call it a move of strength. I will be thinking of you.

any thoughts?

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