I snapped again

Last night as I was going to bed, I moved my foot like I always do and for some reason it got caught on the bedding, forcing my toes forward. I saw stars. Then I became wicked suicidal. It was late, after 2330 and I didn’t want to page my psych. I reached out to a friend who understood about chronic pain and being suicidal. We talked until the pain meds took effect and I fell asleep.

Then tonight, I was wicked tired after eating dinner so tried to take a nap. About 15 mins later, my ankle explodes in severe pain. I took my meds and when I went back to bed, more pain in my foot. I feared if I call my psych, I’m going to tell her it’s over. I’m dead. I don’t care. Hopeless as all hell. Can’t stand this shit any more. So I got in touch with the same friend last night. We talked it over. I had an anxiety attack because the pain just magnifies my PTSD. She told me to breathe and it made me dizzy. It always does. I find that if I center my breathing, I do better. Least until the ativan kicks in.

I hate this is the second night in a row this has happened. I just feel hopeless that this is my life now and I can’t stand it. It’s really pushing my suicidal tendencies to the max. I don’t know when the pain will flare. Tonight it happened after standing for 5 mins to take my meds. There is no rhyme or reason for this pain anymore. It is exhausting. 

I’ve been up since 0400. I’m really tired and need sleep but I got to wait till my pain meds kick in before I can think about lying down again. And the anxiety just put me in fight or flight mode so I have no idea when that is going to settle down. My night meds has an ativan so I’m hoping it will work soon. Otherwise I will just take another one. 

I hope I’m asleep soon. My friend suggested sleeping in the recliner but it’s downstairs and my foot will hate that. Plus, it’s not that comfy. I will lie down soon and hope my foot doesn’t explode again. Two times in one night will just kill me.