Saturday Blog 73

Saturday Blog 73

I am having a rough day. I woke up in pain and the pain has continued throughout the day. I am not happy. I sent an email to my psychiatrist around midnight when I had been up for 20 hours and told her what was running through my mind. She just wants me to keep in touch, this is after I told her I would work on my will today. I still haven’t done it because I have been sleeping most of the day. I will sometime tomorrow. I can’t really think today anyways, and what I wanted to add to it, I forgot already.

I got a text from my niece asking me to babysit her. I responded and she texted me back that it was her mother that texted her not me. I wrote back FINK. Then my sister calls me asking if I want to babysit. I told her I couldn’t. My foot is just too painful. I need to eat something but I’m not really hungry. If I do make it downstairs, I am just going to have some microwave popcorn. That is all that I want to eat. I really would like to order a burrito but I can’t make it down the damn stairs. Guess I can order it tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my niece’s birthday party. I don’t know if I am going to go or not. It all depends on my pain levels. She turns 21 on Tuesday. Next Sunday, I am taking the older nieces out for dinner. It’s their birthday present. My stupid cousin wants to join us but I told her no. I just want an outing with my nieces alone. I don’t need her craziness to ruin my day with them. Besides, I don’t like her very much. She just annoys the crap out of me with her idiotic talk. Nope, she isn’t coming or the whole thing is off. I don’t care.

I still can’t believe how much my ankle was hurting and swollen last night. The swelling has gone down and so has the pain. It was a weird swelling, like there was a band around my ankle it and it just puffed up. The intense pain that was driving me suicidal was at least an inch or so below the swelling. I don’t get it. Fucking pain syndrome. I tried using the Tommy Copper compression thing but it kept digging into my Achilles and it was more painful there. I had to take it off. I touched the area today to see if it was swollen and it wasn’t so the compression sock must have touch a nerve or something last night. Course my whole foot and ankle was so sensitive it wouldn’t take much to add pain to it.

I am feeling really worn down from pain today. I did make coffee and finished off the chicken parm that I ordered last night. That has been the only thing that I ate today. I am not that hungry but I need to eat I am waiting for my pain meds to calm down my toes and foot so I can go downstairs.

It sucks there isn’t a game on tomorrow. Next Sunday there is the big football game. I can’t wait. I hope the Pats win. It’s going to be a tight game is what I am thinking. I got to find out what time it is on. I think it’s going to be on at 8 but I could be wrong. I bought tortilla chips and my favorite salsa for the game. I am trying hard not to open it before then because I could eat the whole thing. It is so good. It’s a pineapple medium salsa from Newman’s Own. So yummy. I also got multigrain tortilla chips. I like them better than corn. They have more flavor.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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