Better Man

Better Man

This song is by Little Big Town. The song speaks to me. It reminds me so much of my deceased father. I have been listening to it on repeat for the last half hour. It is written by Taylor Swift. I love this song so much.

I am in a lot of pain right now, physical pain. My ankle is going berserk on me. I think I did too much and now I am paying the price. I feel tired but my PTSD anxiety has kicked in so I can’t rest. I am waiting for the Ativan to kick in so I can relax. I am also hoping music will help. It worked before, though I was listening to a new radio station that I found. But I like it when I have songs on repeat. It calms me down.

To my blog reader Mari, thank you for finding the Vaseline advanced therapy lip balm. The order finally came in and I am using it tonight. I hope it works and heals my lips. I wasn’t able to find it in the store anywhere so Amazon was a good find!

Another day has come and gone and still no word from that therapist I left messages to. I think it’s awful that she hasn’t returned my phone calls. Some kind of professional she is. So I am again left without a therapist. For the third week in a row. I have my psychiatrist but we don’t do therapy. We just talk about things. She is trying to help me. But I feel like I am too much for her. I have been keeping in contact via emails. But lately, if I don’t answer her emails, she will call and check on me.

I want to read the latest Neil Gaiman book, Norse Mythology. But I am so drugged right now that I don’t think I can read. I just want to sleep. I was thinking tonight that I find it funny that I am using my Maya Calendar bookmark for the book. In a Norse book. Maybe it’s just the meds that I find this funny. I was going to tweet it but I don’t think I can keep it under 140 characters. I will try some other time when my head is a little clearer.

I changed songs to Sober Saturday Night by Chris Young. It’s the kind of song that has me thinking of my therapist. Lots of good new tunes that are striking a cord with me. Anything to help me heal from losing my therapist would be helpful right now. It still hurts a lot not having her in my life. Last week when I was with my psych, I started crying about her. I tried to contain myself but the hurt came out. I couldn’t help it. She was a big part of my life and now she is gone and I have no one to help process this besides my psychiatrist. One day I will blog about it. But that isn’t today. It isn’t now.

4 thoughts on “Better Man

  1. G. Collerone Post author

    Yes it’s difficult. I still blame myself feelings wise though I know I did no wrong. It’s going to be a long time before I can trust someone like her again or maybe it will be easier? I don’t know. My psych is looking for me as I have no one else to go to. So hard to find a therapist these days that’s willing to take on suicide risk

  2. manyofus1980

    gees some professional that therapist turned out to be. I am so devastated for you at the loss of your therapist. you had such a close relationship and I am trying to imagine what it would be like for me not to see Eileen after working with her for almost 5 years, and I cant. i’d be heartbroken. xxx

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