Better Man

Better Man

This song is by Little Big Town. The song speaks to me. It reminds me so much of my deceased father. I have been listening to it on repeat for the last half hour. It is written by Taylor Swift. I love this song so much.

I am in a lot of pain right now, physical pain. My ankle is going berserk on me. I think I did too much and now I am paying the price. I feel tired but my PTSD anxiety has kicked in so I can’t rest. I am waiting for the Ativan to kick in so I can relax. I am also hoping music will help. It worked before, though I was listening to a new radio station that I found. But I like it when I have songs on repeat. It calms me down.

To my blog reader Mari, thank you for finding the Vaseline advanced therapy lip balm. The order finally came in and I am using it tonight. I hope it works and heals my lips. I wasn’t able to find it in the store anywhere so Amazon was a good find!

Another day has come and gone and still no word from that therapist I left messages to. I think it’s awful that she hasn’t returned my phone calls. Some kind of professional she is. So I am again left without a therapist. For the third week in a row. I have my psychiatrist but we don’t do therapy. We just talk about things. She is trying to help me. But I feel like I am too much for her. I have been keeping in contact via emails. But lately, if I don’t answer her emails, she will call and check on me.

I want to read the latest Neil Gaiman book, Norse Mythology. But I am so drugged right now that I don’t think I can read. I just want to sleep. I was thinking tonight that I find it funny that I am using my Maya Calendar bookmark for the book. In a Norse book. Maybe it’s just the meds that I find this funny. I was going to tweet it but I don’t think I can keep it under 140 characters. I will try some other time when my head is a little clearer.

I changed songs to Sober Saturday Night by Chris Young. It’s the kind of song that has me thinking of my therapist. Lots of good new tunes that are striking a cord with me. Anything to help me heal from losing my therapist would be helpful right now. It still hurts a lot not having her in my life. Last week when I was with my psych, I started crying about her. I tried to contain myself but the hurt came out. I couldn’t help it. She was a big part of my life and now she is gone and I have no one to help process this besides my psychiatrist. One day I will blog about it. But that isn’t today. It isn’t now.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

4 thoughts on “Better Man”

  1. Yes it’s difficult. I still blame myself feelings wise though I know I did no wrong. It’s going to be a long time before I can trust someone like her again or maybe it will be easier? I don’t know. My psych is looking for me as I have no one else to go to. So hard to find a therapist these days that’s willing to take on suicide risk

  2. gees some professional that therapist turned out to be. I am so devastated for you at the loss of your therapist. you had such a close relationship and I am trying to imagine what it would be like for me not to see Eileen after working with her for almost 5 years, and I cant. i’d be heartbroken. xxx

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