Saturday Blog 87

Saturday blog 87

I haven’t done anything today. I woke up early in pain and it took a while to get back to sleep. I only woke up because my mother fricken called me. I didn’t answer the phone because I had to use the bathroom. She, of course, got mad that I didn’t answer the phone. Then she called me a liar because I told her I didn’t have a tank top. I just bought one and it’s the only one that I have. Whatever. This is what I deal with on a daily basis.

I made coffee and had some bacon that my mother made. There was a tuna salad in the fridge and I had that for my lunch. I am going to order pizza and fries for supper. It’s too hot to cook. My new method came today. I haven’t opened the box but I think I am going to keep it. I had told my psych that I was going to return it but I don’t want to.

I got a letter from the US Dept of Education regarding my student loans. They are monitoring me and sent me a letter that I need to send back saying that I haven’t received any earned income. They will be sending me these letters for the next two years. I have been declared permanently disabled so I am not worried about being forced to find work. I am on social security and collect benefits from my workplace which provides me with the additional insurance I need after medicare. It’s a lot of money between the two insurances but it’s worth it.

I’m still feeling kind of low and out. Pain is minimal right now but that can change with anything. I was talking with an old friend last night until midnight. Time always seems to stand still when we talk and the next thing we know, three hours have passed. I stayed up for a few more hours as I had coffee late and it kept me up. I just stayed up until the baseball game was over. We won and I posted about it. Then I went to bed. Game isn’t on until 2100 tonight because they are on the west coast. I hate west coast games.

Supper was good. I had some watermelon after I ate. I love watermelon. I can’t eat too much because it can cause the runs with me. My mother and I were chit chatting. She was upset that I had posted on Facebook that I was in the hospital. I guess word got to my aunt and she didn’t want her to know. Oh well. I am not going to not post on my social media so the Boston Globe of my town doesn’t know things. Just kind of pisses me off that she wants to continue to hide my mental illness.

I have been listening to Sam Hunt and Eric Church the past few hours. I am trying to drown out the Linkin Park songs that are running through my head. I kind of want to listen to their music at the same time I don’t because it just makes me sad. Today has been difficult as I am missing my ex-therapist. I miss having someone care for me as much as she did. My new therapist just isn’t working out for me. I am overwhelmed with having to yet again find someone. Monday I plan on calling the place where I submitted an online request. It’s been a week and I haven’t heard back. They have different kinds of therapies at this place so I can pick and choose which kind of therapist I want, least I hope to. I just don’t want a CBT therapist as I don’t think that will be beneficial to me. I never liked the paperwork that is involved with this therapy.

I have been keeping a spreadsheet on my phone to help me keep track of my pain meds, how many I take and the time I take it. I find that it’s helping me feel more in control rather than just take pills and then forget the time I last took them. I just formatted a cell for text for the time as I couldn’t do it on my phone. I put in military time so that I don’t have to use AM or PM for the time. It’s just easier for me. Right now I am hurting really bad. Ankle and foot are acting up. I just want to scream. I last took my pain meds two hours ago so the only med I can take is my strong pain pill. As bad as I hurt, it’s not that severe. It’s more annoying as it is just throbbing and I know that I can’t do anything but let it throb. I hate this condition so bad. October can’t come soon enough. I am seeing my regular neurologist next month so I will ask her what she thinks on my condition and if she agrees that I do have CRPS. I’d like to know what her thoughts are in the matter.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Saturday Blog 87

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    sending hugs. I hope you enjoy dinner. Pizza sounds good to me right now. Hope the pain gives you a break tonight. xo

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