having a hard time dealing with pain

Having a hard time dealing with pain

I woke up around 0600 with my foot hurting me. I took pain meds but I couldn’t go back to sleep. Around 7 or so, I decided to make breakfast and coffee. I was about half way through my coffee when I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I took a nap for a couple of hours only to wake up to tooth pain. WTF. I went to the bathroom and then rinsed my mouth with the stuff I’m supposed to use. I ended up swallowing a little by accident. It wasn’t pleasant. The stuff didn’t help my pain. I had planned on going to see the movie “Dunkirk” but it was really muggy when I got up and I didn’t feel like going out.

I played on my laptop for an hour or two before deciding to have lunch. Tooth didn’t like it at all. I took some ibuprofen and as I was walking back up to my room, stupid ankle flared up. WTF are you kidding me? I can’t stand being in pain with my ankle AND my mouth pain anymore. It has been going on several days now. I see the dentist on Thursday so I hope he can do something for me. I know one thing, if I am still in pain, I am not going to have the filling done on the other side. It will be really hard to eat if I don’t have a side to chew on. I told my mother this and she was “so supportive” by saying she wishes she could not eat for a week. Then tells me at least you’ll lose weight. I then tell her sure and a trip to the hospital too for hypoglycemia and dehydration. Sounds fun! Fucking moron. I was so damn mad. Besides, I’ll only regain the weight once I start eating. She is just so stupid. I can’t stand her. I swear she acts like a bitch because she has chronic pain herself, but unlike me, refuses to do anything about it. She won’t do what the docs tell her to do or take meds, not even Tylenol for her pain all because one dose “doesn’t do anything”. She doesn’t understand that it needs to build in your system to be effective. I’ve told her this time and time again but I get hit with “I know my body”. Be in pain and stop complaining about it then! Fuck.

I’m really trying not to sleep all day but it’s hard because I am so exhausted fighting pain all the time. But I know if I do, I will catch my second wind at like 0200 and that wouldn’t be good as I will just be up all night, messing up my sleep cycle again. Course, I really think my sleep is already messed up as I just sleep whenever I feel tired.

Think I am going to make some fries for supper. My mother is having leftovers. I’m torn between ordering a sub and making a grilled cheese sandwich. I can’t wait to get paid next week so I can order my groceries. I plan on making lemon cookies. The recipe looks fairly simple, though I’ve never made zest before. First time for everything!

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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