feeling helpless and hopeless

Feeling helpless and hopeless

I went to bed late, after 0200. I wanted to watch a movie but Netflix didn’t have the movies I wanted to watch. They suggested others and I saw one that had Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder. I thought it was a comedy so started watching it. I don’t know how long I was watching it but it was dull. An hour into it and Richard Pryor still hadn’t made an appearance. I stopped watching it and went to sleep.

I woke up with a lot of Twitter messages about the therapist blog I wrote last night. A friend that I sent it to went on a string of messages about how to better treat people like me. He is the director of a behavioral health center in Missouri and he speaks about suicide prevention all the time. I also had a message from another Twitter friend that said she was going to use my blog as a Segway in her curriculum. I thought that was awesome. She asked if I was involved in NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) and I responded that I wasn’t but I had a number for a therapist line to call but haven’t done so yet. I am still looking for another therapist because the one I am seeing, I am just not clicking with and it’s frustrating me.

I must have been up for at least a half hour or so, and then the pain started. Severe pain. It wasn’t even 1000 yet! I took my pain meds and some ibuprofen so my mouth wouldn’t hurt. I immediately felt so hopeless and helpless because there was absolutely nothing more I could do to help myself. I tried to go back to sleep but I was kind of angry this was happening. Then my mother called to tell me I had to make breakfast for my niece. WTF. I told her I was sleeping and she didn’t fucking care.

I had to go to Walgreens to get my prescription filled. My mother wanted some things as well as I saw a note on the kitchen table. I grumbled and basically told my foot I was going. I got dressed and went. I just realized now that I forgot to mail a card for my friend. Her birthday is tomorrow. I should have got a stamp last week when I bought it but I didn’t want to break a twenty dollar bill for 49 cents. I didn’t have any smaller bills on me. Now it’s too late and my foot is still throbbing so I am not going to go out again.

After my little nap, I had to brush my teeth and use the rinse as I didn’t do it in the morning. I took more pain meds, ibuprofen, and my antibiotic before I did because the rinse makes drinks really taste bad. My mother woke me up to find out what I wanted for supper. I told her I wasn’t hungry. I’ve only had a tuna sandwich before I left for Walgreens, nothing else. I didn’t even make coffee. Later I will probably order a pastrami sub and fries. I still am not hungry. I am in too much pain to care if I eat or not.

I had a notification on Facebook about a post in my Cauda Equina support group I belong to. I had posted my “knackered” blog and someone shared it with her daughter. She read the blog and said now she understands and she apologized to her mother. I felt pretty good that my blog touched someone and made someone realize what it was like with this crappy condition. The mother I think bought my book as well. That made my day a little better before pain wrecked it.

Sox are playing tonight. They won last night. Before I wrote the therapist blog, the score was 1-0, Sox. After the blog, it was 10-3! They ended up winning 10-4. I was like, I should write my blog during game times to see if they can win more games! I was excited for them. They turned their first triple play of the year. The young third baseman is on fire. He’s only 20 years old. Still a rookie but playing very well. I hope it continues. After the game, I was depressed as there was no more baseball tweets on Twitter. The feed was all about Cheeto, his comments, and what went on in Virginia over the weekend. Just a very sad state right now for my country. Maybe that is why I feel so hopeless today as well. I don’t know.

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