going fucking nuts in my own house

Going fucking nuts in my own house

Since last night, I have been keeping an ear open for my mother should she need me. I was up half the night in pain so that kind of made it easier. I knew I would be as even though I wasn’t on my feet a lot, I wasn’t elevated my leg like I normally would be on a Sunday. I finally got to sleep between 0230 and 0300. I woke up around 0700. I checked on my mother and she was still sleeping. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I just paid some bills as my check came in and ordered groceries.

I tried to go back to sleep after that but no go. I then got hungry so I went downstairs. My mother had already got up and made herself breakfast. I was waiting for my aunt to come over the house to let her in. I made my breakfast and was finishing up when she called me. It’s been a nuthouse since. My aunt likes to “yell” talk but she does it in an excited way that makes you think she is yelling at you. This is how she talks to my mother and when my mother argues with her, which has been happening all day, she yells louder.

I ordered a steak tip dinner for lunch and she gave me a look like it was the rottenest thing in the world that I did. Then my cousin, who sees me come up the stairs and in the kitchen says “oh I thought you weren’t getting around too good”. It was the first time in more than a week I’ve been out of my bed. I’m in pain and the shower I took hurt my back terribly. He doesn’t care though, only when he needs me to bring up my mother’s shopping. As I was having lunch, my mother and aunt were watching some program, together, and she is saying look at that, look at that in her loud voice. WTF are you kidding me? My mother isn’t more than 2 feet away from you and is watching the same damn show on the same television so of course she is seeing what you are you idiot!! I wish I didn’t change my therapy appt for this afternoon. I would have left the house to this nut.

I got to find the envelope that holds my insurance payment from my benefits office. I need to call them to see if they are still going to carry Caremark for their prescription service as it now affects me. Open benefits will be happening soon so they may change. If they are keeping it, I need to call my insurance and see if their new policy of opioids is going to give me a headache in the new year. It’s really stressing me out because if I can’t get my pain meds, I am screwed. And when the new year starts, I will have to pay for my meds. I don’t want to pay double for my pain meds because it started a new policy that is completely bullshit.

Crap. The PT place just called me back after playing phone tag. The good news is I have an appt tomorrow. Bad news is that it is now in an area where my father was living in so it’s bringing up all sorts of memories. I’m not sure what they are going to do to help me or if therapy can help me, if going to that area is right for me. It is a ways from the station. I’ll have to get off at the Stop and Shop stop and then walk from there as I’m not sure there is a bus that goes by there. When I left my father’s apartment for the last time, I never thought I would go near that area or train station or have to take that bus ever again. Hope I’m not triggered too badly tomorrow.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to going fucking nuts in my own house

  1. G. Collerone says:

    Thanks it did. Check my new post

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    I will be thinking of you today. I hope the pt goes well for you. xxx

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