Category: Bipolar Disorder

Broken Sleep Sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Broken Sleep Sucks

I woke up at 0300 today and it sucked. I didn’t have to go to the bathroom nor was I in pain. I just woke up. I didn’t even have a bad dream. I took an Ativan because I wanted to get back to sleep. Within a half hour, I did. It really sucks and then I woke up four hours later. I am going to need coffee soon. I got a fricken headache and it’s really bright outside. I hope I don’t get a migraine.

I am feeling really sad. I feel like I need to talk to someone. I thought about paging my psychiatrist but it’s really early and I don’t want to alarm her. Last night I went through my old address book and found the paging number that I didn’t have in my phone. It was driving me crazy because you get a person when you call rather than just punching numbers in with the other number that I have.

Facebook has this memory thing that shows pictures you posted a few years ago. Today it showed my swollen leg when I was in the hospital four years ago. Funny how things have not changed. My leg is still swollen and no one knows why. I have a lump on my leg. I really want to cut it open some times and let the fluid out. I feel this way when I am in a psychotic state. I guess you can say four years ago is when I started taking the abilify daily rather than PRN. And I can’t mess with the dose because I will become psychotic or delusional. If I miss a dose, I am in trouble. It’s so weird because I never was like this when I was younger. Seems that when I get older the worse my psychotic symptoms became. I am just glad I only need abilify to control the symptoms and an occasional trilafon when I have breakthrough psychosis. I really like trilafon. It is my go to when all else fails. They have changed it over the years. It used to be a gray sugar coated pill. Now it’s just a plain white pill. I used to call it candy so I could trick the voices into taking it. It’s a little bit more difficult to trick them now because there is no sugar coating on the pill.

I am feeling really sad. My sister hasn’t called me yet to ask if I am going to see my father. I really don’t want to see him but I feel that I should. It’s just so hard seeing him so frail. And knowing that it’s just going to get worse makes me even sadder. I think he will die in two weeks time but I could be wrong. He does eat breakfast but won’t eat lunch or dinner because he is full. We have tried to get him to drink Ensure but he is used to the bottle and what they have in the nursing home is a juice box type of container. My father is very particular about things. He won’t take something that is different from what he is used to. We might have to bring in a bottle so maybe he will drink it.

I feel so frustrated because there is nothing that I can do to help him. I really hope that the state health insurance kicks in soon or we are screwed. I am also pissed off because the damn social worker never returned my phone calls. In his voicemail message he says that he returns calls “promptly”. Yea right! I have only been waiting two days. How promptly is that? I hope he calls on Monday even though it is a holiday.

Yesterday was the third anniversary of the Boston bombings of the Boston Marathon. Hard to believe it has been three years since it has happened. There were 264 survivors. Most of them have lost a limb or two because of the injuries they had. I will never forget the people that died that day and the officer that died the following day when the pictures of the suspects were posted. The officer died a needless death. It is so sad. He was a cop in my town and every year a local bakery runs a charity event to honor him.

I am still torn about going to the hospital. I kind of want to get evaluated by the ER and see if they think I should be inpatient or not. I have some suicidal tendencies but they come and go. Last night, I had some urges to kill myself. I distracted and ignored them. I tried to think of other things. I think I watched three episodes of Friends. It helped make me laugh. I love Joey and Rachel. The show is really funny. It really helped to calm my urges. Music also helps. I think I just want someone to make the decision for me as I just can’t decide if I want to go in or not. I plan on bringing a bag of clothes with me just in case it doesn’t go in my favor. Like I think I won’t be admitted because I just want to talk. I will have to conceal my suicidality otherwise I am at risk for admission. I hate lying but sometimes you just have to. I won’t go to the hospital where my psych is. I will go to the local hospital where they know me.

I am preparing a bag but I haven’t put stuff in it yet. I have written out the medication that I take. It’s easier to give them the paper than trying to remember doses and names. I always seem to miss one when I try to recall from memory all that I take. I didn’t put Neurontin down because I only take it PRN. They think I take it three times a day but I don’t. I have been on it for years so I know that taking a dose here and there helps me more than taking it every day. I will write the story I plan on telling in another blog. I really have to be careful with what I say. If they decide to admit me, I am kind of screwed. My father could die and I won’t be there. That will just break my heart.

so fricken tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

So fricken tired

I took a shower today and was totally wiped out afterwards. I needed a nap. So I napped while my phone charged as I didn’t do that last night. Then some lady from the nursing home called about some more paperwork that needed to be signed. Unreal. Every week there is something. I told her I would go later this afternoon but I don’t think I can. I am so tired. I just went to have my pastrami sub. It wasn’t as good as the previous ones. I could barely finish it and it was a small. I am glad I didn’t order a large. I think I am done with pastrami subs now.

After I ate, I saw my cousin and we chatted for a bit. I then went to Rite Aid to see if the Ensure was cheaper there than at Walgreens. It was the same price so I didn’t get it. I will get it maybe later today. Only reason I didn’t get it is because I earn points at Walgreens. If I wasn’t tired, I would have walked up the street to buy it but I had no energy.

I still am feeling pretty sad. My psychiatrist wants me to keep in touch with her. She understood when I told her last night that I didn’t want to be admitted if I went to the ER. I honestly have no idea how I am going to cope with this level of depression. I think my father has about two weeks left. I really can’t see him living beyond that. I hope it is in the nursing home and not at home because it will just create more stress for me and my sisters. I wish the stupid social worker would return my call. I have been waiting for two days now. It’s really pissing me off.

My weight keeps fluctuating. I seem to lose the same three to four pounds and then gain them back. I don’t think I will be eating anything else today. That sub is sticking to my ribs. It has been the only thing I have eaten today. I should get the Ensure so I can have it later. Maybe I will if I can muster up the energy.

random 878

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I talked with my therapist this morning. We agreed to take it day by day. I really need to have all my ducks in a row or close to it, for me to go to the hospital. Since making the decision to go, I have been feeling a little better. It will give me the break I need from the stress of all I have been going through.

I am supposed to visit my father tonight. I am apprehensive about it. I haven’t seen him in a few days. I hope that he is in a better mood tonight. I don’t bother calling him because he can be difficult on the phone and not really hear what you are saying. I think the guy reads lips and that is how he gets by. If his hearing is going, which it probably is, that will make things easier for him. But for right now, I am just fretting about the visit. I will be with my sisters so it shouldn’t be too bad. I hope we don’t stay too long.

I called the social worker at the nursing home and left another message for him to call me back. He has yet to return any of my calls. I hope he can call me tomorrow because I really know what time the meeting is going to be so I can plan either to keep my therapy appointment or to cancel it. Last time, it was too late to cancel because he called me after 1330, which was less than the 24 hour rule. We ended up doing a phone conference which didn’t benefit my father at all. We might have to do another phone conference call if this idiot doesn’t call me.

After I have this meeting and if I am able to keep my therapy appointment, I will make plans to go to the hospital. I think I am going to bring my suitcase as I can fit more stuff in it than a backpack. I can then use the backpack for my books and pens and stuff. I still don’t know what to pack as I am not sure where I will be going. I have to remember to bring my phone charger. I think I will leave my tablet at home. If I need it, I can always ask my sister to bring it.

I was talking with a friend tonight and she doesn’t want me to go to the hospital where I was before. I told her I rather be there because I know the place and will be able to have my phone. I know they won’t be able to “help” me. Most hospitals don’t really help you anyways, not like they used to. I just hope I don’t go to a hospital where I don’t want to be.

Depression Continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Depression continues

I saw both my therapist and psychiatrist, back to back. Both were a few minutes late. I told my psych about the depression and how hard it’s getting to blog or even take an interest in things. I didn’t tell her my appetite still is poor. It was difficult to talk to her as my thoughts were slow and I would start saying something and then forget what I was saying mid-sentence. She said the sadness was normal. I told her the Zoloft is helping me cope at this point. She wanted to increase it but I told her no. I think it’s starting to make me sick and I don’t want more. If anything I wanted to decrease it but I will stay at my current dose of 50 mg for the time being. I also told her I was also having post nasal drip so that could be contributing to the nausea as well. I haven’t sorted it out yet. I wasn’t nauseous this morning so I am thinking it’s just the post nasal drip that has me sick.

In therapy we talked about going to the hospital. I told her I don’t think I am depressed enough to be admitted because I am not suicidal. My therapist’s fear is that when I have energy back, I will become suicidal. She could tell how tired I was in my voice. She thinks my not eating is reason enough for admission. I told her I would email my psych and see what she thinks. Things were going fine until my sister texted me about my father wanting lozenges. I kind of lost it. Something in me snapped. I don’t get why she couldn’t call the floor if she could call him. I did call but of course you need a bloody doctor’s order for it. I told my sister to get him a bag of Halls for tonight when she sees him. I won’t be seeing him tonight. I am fricken exhausted and my leg is killing me. It’s swollen and my psychiatrist saw that it was swollen. I was scared she was going to send me to the ER but she didn’t. I just really need to stay off it so the swelling has a chance to go down.

My psych emailed me back. She is fine with me being admitted and I can be admitted if I go to the ER. So now I got a choice to make. I will feel guilty. I know this will put added stress on my sisters as I won’t be there, but I do need to get this depression under control. It’s been three and a half months now and no sign that things are going to get better. I think I will be going to the ER where my psych works. It will be difficult because my former coworkers will be running my tox screens and blood tests. Least now the labels don’t have a diagnosis on them anymore. I know they are going to ask “why now, what has changed”? I will just say I feel more hopeless about my future than I did before. Now the question is what the hell do I pack? I have been struggling with this for weeks now. I just don’t know what bag to pack, my suitcase or a backpack.