Are we out of the woods yet?
Since my first blog, I have been listening to 1989 by Taylor Swift. I can’t help it. I love this album so much. Each song is catchy and I find myself dancing in my seat. Since the blog I have gone shopping and made myself the steak I bought. I am really more exhausted than I was before I started. I haven’t had time to nap as I have just been reading Twitter. I follow doctors so my TL is filled with the match stuff and of course the tragedy that happened in Atlanta. Funny, I had a bad day yesterday and I didn’t kill anyone. Imagine that. These people will cover white privilege any chance they get. Pisses me off. This was a domestic terrorist attack on Asian Americans.
My back is hurting something awful and it isn’t my lower back this time. My upper back has been cramping since on the walk home. I want to nap so bad. I am debating shaving my head using the electric shaver. I usually don’t do a good job with the shaver like I do with a manual razor. I don’t want to shower because my back will just cramp up more as I try to stand. I am having a low pain day and I don’t want to turn it into a high pain day.
My sister made cookies while I was eating my steak. I am going to sneak downstairs and have some. They are anise cookies, my favorite next to chocolate chips. Did I mention I was tired? I think I am going to be overtired tonight and not be able to sleep. Usually my night meds help tremendously with sleep and I am usually asleep within an hour or two after taking them. I don’t know if they are the reason I am so tired during the day or not. My psychiatrist says because I take it at night it can’t be the culprit so who knows. I am just tired of being tired.
It is really cold with the wind and it is coming in through my AC so I have my ceiling fan off. I should dust it while it isn’t in use. It’s got some serious dust bunnies on the blades, but only on one side of the blade. Weird. I want to clear off the things on my bureau too. Just throw them in a box and I will go through it later. I also need to empty my bedside trash can. It is filled. I have to find the trash bag that I had. It has become buried under some clothes due to an avalanche fall of one of my bins. I just can’t deal so left it like it is.
I had therapy today. I wish it helped but all it did was frustrate me more and all we agreed on was getting a bat and beating a pillow up. We talked about how my mother is treating me with the transgender. I told her I wanted to go into hiding. She said that would be a bad idea. She understood how much I was hurting. I told her I wanted to cry but there were no tears. I won’t be seeing her a second time this week. She doesn’t have any openings. I said that was fine. I am not in dire straits. I wills see her next week.
I didn’t brush my teeth this morning because the post nasal drip was bad. I was gagging up a storm. Once it settles down, I will brush. It has been working out better in the afternoon than morning. I still need to shave my head again. I have been trying to keep my hair as short as possible. I found out today while I was combing it that it isn’t even on top like I want it to be. I just asked my cousin who is a hair dresser if this is ok or not. Now I can’t decide if I want to grow it out or cut it to be all one length. My barber is very good but I don’t think he is great with scissors. He is very good with clippers. I like him a lot so I will stay with him. No one else will touch my hair.
I had two cups of coffee today and I am still tired. I want to nap so bad. I have been up since five this morning because I had to pee. It was hard getting back to sleep. I wanted to stay up but my therapy appointment was at 11 and I knew I would start to feel drowsy around that time. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about why I am tired and he hasn’t responded. I don’t think he will because I was kind of flip in my message.
I finally brought a notepad to my bed “office” area so I will write the essays I want to write. I think it will be better written out than typed. Less distraction. I wish I could do it in a coffee shop. I so miss going to Starbucks for coffee and writing. I feel trapped sometimes because I have no where else to go. I could go food shopping. I think I will go to the butcher shop today to get a steak. And maybe some burgers.
So fricken tired
I took a shower today and was totally wiped out afterwards. I needed a nap. So I napped while my phone charged as I didn’t do that last night. Then some lady from the nursing home called about some more paperwork that needed to be signed. Unreal. Every week there is something. I told her I would go later this afternoon but I don’t think I can. I am so tired. I just went to have my pastrami sub. It wasn’t as good as the previous ones. I could barely finish it and it was a small. I am glad I didn’t order a large. I think I am done with pastrami subs now.
After I ate, I saw my cousin and we chatted for a bit. I then went to Rite Aid to see if the Ensure was cheaper there than at Walgreens. It was the same price so I didn’t get it. I will get it maybe later today. Only reason I didn’t get it is because I earn points at Walgreens. If I wasn’t tired, I would have walked up the street to buy it but I had no energy.
I still am feeling pretty sad. My psychiatrist wants me to keep in touch with her. She understood when I told her last night that I didn’t want to be admitted if I went to the ER. I honestly have no idea how I am going to cope with this level of depression. I think my father has about two weeks left. I really can’t see him living beyond that. I hope it is in the nursing home and not at home because it will just create more stress for me and my sisters. I wish the stupid social worker would return my call. I have been waiting for two days now. It’s really pissing me off.
My weight keeps fluctuating. I seem to lose the same three to four pounds and then gain them back. I don’t think I will be eating anything else today. That sub is sticking to my ribs. It has been the only thing I have eaten today. I should get the Ensure so I can have it later. Maybe I will if I can muster up the energy.
I brought so much stuff to my father’s appointment that I couldn’t do anything with it all. I did read some of Dostoevsky, but he annoyed the crap out of me when he started talking about Islam and Christianity. I had to put the tablet down because I knew he would just ramble on and on and I couldn’t deal. The appointment went faster than it did last week, which was good. We got out at a decent hour though the stupid doctor only spent a quarter of a minute with us. She just left it all up to the NP, which pissed me off.
After the appointment, my sister took us out to eat. I had a huge burger that was very good. But the fries were so so. They had garlic salt on them and I am don’t like garlic that much. I prefer to season my fries as I like them. I’ll know for next time.
I have been up since before the crack of dawn. I am now wiped out. For the first time in forever, I had to pee at least three times while I was out. I didn’t even drink that much but whatever. Each time it felt like my bladder was going to burst. I knew it wouldn’t because of the retention that I have but still, why stretch my bladder. Last thing I want is a big puddle. I can take leaking but not puddles. I don’t think physical therapy will help with that. I got to call tomorrow and see where I am going to go. The place down the street from me is having construction all around and I am not crossing the damn street with construction. I will have to go to Charlestown, which means speaking to voicemail machines again. I threw my back out while I was brushing my teeth this morning. It took an hour to get the kinks out.
I really want to nap. I am so exhausted from dealing with my father. I hope I got his new regimen of meds right. I had to count the days several times as the PCP has him on a TTSS schedule for his fluid pills. And then his INR is on another schedule. I was already fatigued when I got there so my brain just wouldn’t function. It was so frustrating.
My ankle is hurting really good. I didn’t wear heavy boots today just a slip on kind as the weather was mild even if it was cold. There wasn’t too much ice and snow despite it snowing flurries. People need to shovel their walkways or they get ticketed in my city. Only problem is that where the property divides, there is usually a snow bank, making it impossible to pass so you are better off walking in the street anyway.
I didn’t have to walk too much but I did have to wheel my father around the hospital because he is a fuck. He was tired today so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. My ankle still smarts from that walking. Now that I think of it, I don’t know why my sister didn’t wheel him. Oh well, next time.
I really am feeling lousy because I am so tired. I just feel really run down, though I haven’t done anything physical or mentally draining. I hope I am not getting sick. Think I will up my vitamin D just in case. D always makes me feel better. A nap always does too.