Category: Bipolar Disorder

Easter 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Easter 2016

My Easter went fairly well. My father was in his mood but I didn’t let it bother me. I don’t think he let the cable man to his apartment as he didn’t say anything. Now I am probably going to have to reschedule the appointment. Better yet, I will have my sister call, if I can.

I then had BPD chat. We were talking about mentalizing and one woman was having a hard time with the term. She said she was going to cry because she just couldn’t understand it. Then there was a sarcastic bitch that kept on ranting on the whole thing, just making things worse. It was probably the worst chat that I have been to in a while. Mentalizing is easy for me. I understand it and use it. It’s second nature to me as I have done it all my life dealing with a narcissistic father. I still use it to try and see where the fuck he is coming from so I am not so damn angry with him. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t because I don’t care because he is hurtful.

I really wanted to explain more about mentalizing but I am not an expert in it. I just know the overview of the concept and agree with it. According to one of the moderators, there is MBT (mentalization based therapy) in Boston. Where the hell it would be, I have no fucking clue. Most of the centers that I know of use DBT. I think you would be hard pressed to find even a CBT therapist let alone an MBT one. It would be worth looking into as an adjunctive thing.

I played with my phone settings trying to get more memory on my device as I am having problems with email. It keeps telling me that it’s out of memory. I cleared the “cached” data and that seemed to do the trick. It was 6GB of data so it was holding a lot of memory. I have no idea what I cleared and hope it wasn’t important. I tried to transfer apps to my external data card but there was none to be had. The only thing that was there was FB messenger so I transferred that to the data card. I was able to delete duplicate songs on my music player.

Mentally, I am feeling a little bit better. I am not as slow as I was before. I also don’t feel a heaviness in my legs like I did. I was going to go to Walgreens if my prescription was ready but it’s too early to get it filled. It was nice out today but I didn’t go out. I made coffee and that kind of energized me a little bit. I was able to fill my pill box without dread for the first time in weeks. I hope this turn that I am taking is for the better and not for the worse.

Tomorrow I need to get a haircut. But before I do I need to call to make my father’s doc appt. They cancelled the one for Thursday so they want to see him Tuesday. I hope I don’t have to cancel my therapy appointment but I might have to. It all depends on the time they have available. Thursdays work better for me because I don’t have therapy.

I had a glass of wine with dinner. I am a lightweight as I don’t drink often, if at all. I have a slight headache and feel tired. I didn’t overeat, but that has been the only meal that I have eaten today. I did have a slice of pie for dessert. My mother didn’t make the chocolate cream pie, much to my disappointment but her back was hurting her yesterday so I understand. There were more desserts than food! My sister had made some Italian dessert and chocolate chip cookies. My mother’s was better than hers. My mother had made apple turnovers, brownies, cookies, and pie. There were also Pizzelles, an Italian cookie.

exhaustion, food, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I think the exhaustion has finally left. I slept after I wrote my blog. I did have my black bean burger on sourdough bread. I wasn’t impressed with the bread. It didn’t have a sour taste to it which was I was looking for. It actually didn’t taste like anything so it was disappointing. I barely finished the burger and it has been the only thing I ate besides the donuts I had earlier. My mother baked some cookies and I had two of them. Usually I gobble them up. My mother makes good chocolate chip cookies. She also made some apple turnovers but I will have them tomorrow. I hope she makes the pudding pie that I like. I usually have that for breakfast. All it is is chocolate pudding in a pie dish topped with cool whip. It’s divine!

I totally forgot tomorrow was Easter when I set up Comcast to come to my father’s place tomorrow afternoon. I hope they come before 1300. I think My sister will be picking him up then and he will be disappointed if they don’t show up to fix his TV. I have no idea when dinner is. No one told me. All I know is that we are having ham.

I think I am starting to feel better now that I had some decent sleep. I still feel sleepy and will be going to bed shortly. I hope I sleep through the night. I will read Dostoevsky if I wake up in the middle of the night. He always makes me sleepy.

Sox lost big time today. Their hurlers weren’t good, so I heard anyway. Then I heard a rumor that my favorite catcher might get traded for a shitty player that I absolutely hate. He was a stinking Yankee player, which is part of the reason I dislike him. I will be absolutely crushed if they trade of this young catcher.

I wish I got a haircut today. I woke up and had bedhead. It’s been months since I had my hair this long to have a bedhead. But it’s been two months since my last hair cut. I try to get it cut every month but last month I was short on funds. I am going to try and get one Monday.

My friend that was waiting for a bed finally got one. I am happy that she is no longer waiting in the ER. I can’t imagine waiting in the ER for almost three days for a bed. It’s just ridiculous to me but I know it happens. I had a friend’s daughter that waited almost a week to get into a good hospital in Tennessee. It’s just sad that there are many sick mental ill people and not enough beds to suit their needs or they get cut due to budget cuts.

It’s nearly 2300. I feel like having a tuna sandwich. I should eat because I am hungry and it’s not often these days that I am hungry. But the depression side of me is telling me it will be too much of an effort and I will be exhausted. I got to go downstairs and check on my mother. She hasn’t come to bed and I am a little worried as she usually is in bed by this time.

walking in mud continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Walking in Mud Continues

My father’s prescription was ready so I had to go to his house to settle his meds for the week. I took the bus there and then had to walk from the pharmacy to his house. I took me more than a half hour to walk because my feet felt like lead. I couldn’t walk fast to save my life. It was horrible. I was so exhausted by the time I got to his place. I hadn’t had anything to eat before I went to his apartment. After I missed the bus, I decided to go to dunkin and get a coffee and some donuts. I must have spilled more coffee on me than I actually drank. The lid wasn’t too secure. I now smell like French vanilla. I was going to make coffee at home but I was too sleepy to get out of bed early enough to make it.

My ankle is hurting from the walk. I got it propped up on my bed to try and relieve some of the swelling. I also have taken some pain meds to help deal with the stupid pain. Soon as it calms down some I plan on making something to eat. I think a black bean burger on sourdough bread is on the menu.

I am exhausted and need sleep. Think I will nap and then make the burger. This depression is so hard. I can’t write even 500 word blogs anymore. I am sorry for my new readers. I am not normally like this. I hope it passes quickly because I am not sure how much more I can take. I hate when my writing is affected. It’s my sole means of expressing myself when I am down, other than listening to music or watching a baseball game. But even baseball, my favorite sport of all time, I have no interest in. I try to keep up with the scores and stuff but I just can’t. It’s too much for me right now.

I feel like I am drowning and no one is seeing me. My family hasn’t made any comments about my weight so I doubt they have noticed. But then, they have been preoccupied with Easter and my father all week.

A friend that I met at my last hospitalization is in the ER right now waiting for a bed. Pisses me off that there are no mental health beds available like there are medical beds. She has been in the ER since Thursday. That is just wrong.

Another Slow Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Slow Day

I have been having another slow day where my thoughts are just not there. I was debating writing this blog. It’s just so hard to write when you can’t think of what to say.

I went to my father’s to do his pills for the week. There was a problem with the pharmacy so we need to wait to get all his pills. I will have to go back tomorrow, something I wasn’t planning on doing. I so wanted to spend the day in bed. Guess that will be Sunday.

I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed but I didn’t sleep. My head kept calling for my pillow but no sleep came. The pain I had flared up and I think that is why I couldn’t sleep. I barely ate today. I finished off the four ribs that was left over from last night and that has been the only sustenance I have eaten. I did drink an Ensure for my breakfast. I just am not hungry today. All I want to do is lie down.

I think this is the longest that I have gone without an appetite. This has been going on for at least two and a half months. I also have not had much to drink. I have been trying to drink some Powerade but have not been successful so far. I wanted a coffee but my choice was Dunkins and that is just a waste of money. I will try and make coffee tomorrow. It’s been a long time since I made coffee at home.

Walking today was painful. I felt like I was walking in mud again. It was raining and cold. I had an umbrella with me but it kept on going from a misty rain to nothing so there was no point in opening the umbrella. I felt like a zombie today. I really feel out of it and I don’t know why. My psych never responded to the email about the side effects. I hope I don’t have them again. They were awful.

I didn’t get my haircut today. I woke up too late. I am going to try to get it tomorrow morning before seeing my father. But it all depends on if I have energy or not. Right now, I can’t trust that I will have energy. Every thing seems so flat to me. I can’t be more descriptive than that.

I am entering my second week of Zoloft. So far it doesn’t seem to be helping any. And I hope the side effects I experienced last night weren’t a drug interaction between the sertraline and the abilify. That will suck. It was another question I asked my psych about but never got a response. Maybe she is looking into it and hasn’t had a chance to get back to me. I still feel like this medication is not helping me but I know I got to give it time. It’s annoying that you have to wait 2-6 weeks for something to help you when you feel so miserable. I still can’t believe I lost another eight pounds in a week. That will make twenty that I have lost since I lost my appetite over two months ago. I just hope I can keep it off.