Category: Bipolar Disorder

Post 1668

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1668

As tired as I fucking am, I am can’t sleep. I just took my night meds so I am hoping they will knock me out some. I wrote to my psychiatrist telling her that my depressive symptoms are getting worse, not better. I also gave an update on my father as he was discharged today. No more running back and forth to the hospital, least for now.

I don’t have a lot on my mind. It’s so fucking hard when you can’t think. I really feel like I am doped up on trilafon but I’m not. It’s just really difficult trying to pull my thoughts together to string a sentence along.

I was having side effects of the abilify. It’s the second time in the last two weeks this has happened. I don’t know if the Zoloft is interacting or not. I sent off an email to my psych. The spasms are the worse than the string bean feeling in my extremities. Then I was having back spasms, too. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. I don’t know if it’s called akathisia or dystonia but it fucking sucks. I told my psych I had to take an extra Ativan to settle it down. I hate having to take an extra one so close to the first one but what choice did I have? It was three hours ago that I took my meds. The side effects woke me up from sleep. I have never had that happen before.

I feel so drained, like all the energy has been sucked from my body. I took my weight today and I am down eight pounds. I couldn’t believe it. I am getting closer to my goal of being 185. Not ideal but it’s better than what I am now. Maybe if I am down, I can get off one of my blood pressure medicines. I really would love to get off the labetalol because I have to take it twice a day. Sometimes I forget to take the morning dose. I am better at taking it with the app that I have but on the mornings when I have appointments or need to see my father, I forget to bring it with me to take.

I took some magnesium tonight to try and combat the spasms I was having in my back. I got to remember to take it because it really does help me. I remember reading about magnesium more than ten years ago and how essential it was in treating certain disorders. The author was advocating for a higher range of magnesium in the blood. I don’t remember his reasoning, but if I come across his article, I will post it. It used to be on the web but the website is no longer there.

The thing I am worried about is that my bowels weren’t feeling right yesterday. I had missed having an accident twice yesterday because of loose stool. And tonight with my night meds, I took my Senna. I was going to skip it but forgot. Now I am going to be house bound until my bowels let loose. I hope that by noon I will have a movement so I can go to my father’s to do what I need to do.

Meds have kicked in. I am no longer a spaz. Wish the meds helped ease the tension in my neck but I guess you can’t have everything.

random 325

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I was planning on resting today but I had to go out as it was 60 degrees. The rest of the week is a shit show of cold weather so I wanted to try to go out today. I went and got my roast beef sandwich with onion rings. I couldn’t finish the onion rings but I did the sandwich. I think it’s going to be the only thing I eat today.

I had therapy. Last twenty minutes were tough. I didn’t want to talk anymore. And she kept wanting to. I asked her why she still wants to deal with me. She said I was stuck with her, or something of that nature. I was feeling down and didn’t want to talk about it. There is only so much you can say when you are feeling down. She wanted to make sure I am still taking the sertraline. I don’t know why she has to ask me this every time I talk with her. And it’s not really helping me right now. I feel no difference.

My sister visited my father but he was having a procedure done so missed him. I haven’t heard anything. I haven’t called the floor to see how he is doing. I am taking an off day from him and will get the information second hand through one of my sisters.

I am still feeling very tired and I am in pain. My foot didn’t like walking to the roast beef place but it was worth it. I really like their food. I could have ordered from another place but it’s not the same. I don’t have anything to do tonight at all. I am just going to keep my foot up on my bed and the only time I will be off is to use the bathroom. Maybe I will get some reading done tonight. I can’t say for sure because right now I am having a hard time staying awake. I am just so tired.

I ordered my groceries and they are scheduled to come between 0730 and 930 tomorrow. Early start to my day. After the delivery, I plan on getting a haircut. Then I will come home, shower, relax for a bit, then go to the hospital. This is all tentative, except for the groceries, to how my energy levels are and how much sleep I get.

random 199

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had a long tiring day. I didn’t sleep well again. I went to bed around midnight only to wake up five hours later. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I have been up all day. I tried to take a nap after my therapist’s appt but my phone kept going off. I had to keep it on in case the hospital called or my sister did with an update on my father. He was supposed to go for a test today but it got cancelled at the end of the day. He is up first thing tomorrow morning, supposedly. I hope no more emergent cases come up.

My therapy appointment went ok. We talked about how tired I was and she read the latest blog I sent her about cement shoes. She really liked it. She wish I had this creativity without the depression though. You can’t really have one or the other. I have to have the depression to write these things. I toldher I might see her tomorrow and she said it was okay if I didn’t see her. She is worried that my exhaustion level might be too much for the 30 mile drive to her office. I will see how I feel tomorrow. I won’t be stopping by the hospital if I do go. It will be too much for me.

We recapped what my psychiatrist had said to me just as I was ready to leave her office. She said that if the Zoloft doesn’t work out, I can stop it or if I want to stop it I can. She is okay with it. I told my therapist I wasn’t expecting to be on a 50 mg dose. I thought my psych would just give me 25 mg and be done with it. Guess she has other plans for me. My psych also said we can go up to 100 mg if I tolerate it. I was overwhelmed with that idea. I just wanted to be on 25 mg. I started the 50 mg dose last night. I still have no change in my mood and my hopelessness is increasing. I have been on it for almost a week now. I have no side effects so far.

We kept the conversation away from my father. I didn’t want to talk about him at all. Other than giving her an update on where he was at, that was the bulk of the one minute conversation about him. The rest of the session we just talked about how crappy I felt. I swear at one point I was ready to fall asleep. I was just so tired. I have spent that last three days at the hospital. Tomorrow is my break. My ankle just can’t handle another day of traveling. Maybe I will go to my therapist’s office next week. I will just order my groceries tomorrow. I also need to pick up my prescriptions. I hope I don’t have a pain filled night again. Last night was awful.

cement shoes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cement shoes

I was wearing sneakers but you wouldn’t know it. My feet felt like they were in cement blocks as I trudged my way down to the bus stop. I really didn’t feel like going out but I wanted a latte and I figure going out was better than making coffee at home. I wasn’t expecting my sneakers to change to cement blocks though. Each step took a lot of effort. I was exhausted by the time I reached the stop. I am glad they have a bench so I could sit down and rest.

The depression takes many forms with me. It is never the same with each episode I experience. Sometimes I am walking through mud. Other times I have cement shoes on my feet. Each step is always painful whether it be mud or cement. I just can’t get through to my head that there is a clear path and that there is nothing physically there to slow me down. The physical symptoms of depression doesn’t care. It holds you back when you want to move forward, all the damn time.

Recently, a Twitter friend said that I should keep fighting. I don’t think she realizes just how exhausting that is. It is so much easier to give up. To stay in bed until the sun rises again, when the black dog disappears. But you have responsibilities and that keeps you from staying in bed all day. Appointments must be kept. Prescriptions must be filled. It’s hard, it’s really hard to go on when you feel like this.

Feeling hopeless is the worse. I wasn’t feeling this when the depression started. This episode started two months ago and I lost my appetite as well as my thought speed. My thoughts became slow as molasses. It’s still hard to get the words out at times. I lost weight because I wasn’t eating. I felt tired all the time. I felt down a lot of the time. But I still did what I had to do rather than stay cooped up in bed like I would have loved to do. Now that my appetite is back, I am beginning to feel like this depression is not going to end, that it is going to stay around and I am forever in its grip. I feel hopeless that things are going to get better again. Part of me knows that it will. It just takes time. I have been put on medication that should help relieve some of this suffering but I still don’t know. I have to wait two weeks for this medication to work and I am overwhelmed by this because I can’t even think of tomorrow or the next day.

I have to just think of the present time. It’s the only way to get through the day. If I can get through this minute, that hour, I will be okay. But it’s hard. I am still not eating 100% of the time. I have to remind myself to eat. I have broken the “no food in my room” rule. I had to because pain keeps me from going downstairs to get food when I need it so I keep some pretzels near me to offset hunger. It might not be the best food in the world but it’s something. And something is better than nothing. If I didn’t have to worry about mice, I would bring some of my chocolate granola bars in my room. Those are good for hunger. The reason I have a hard time going down the stairs is because of pain in my ankle and foot due to a condition known as complex regional pain syndrome. I have been living with this condition for the past four years. It’s difficult when you can’t walk and walking is your main mode of transportation. I don’t own a car so I don’t drive that often. I used to be able to borrow my sister’s car but she traded it in for a monster truck and I just can’t drive it for fear of sideswiping another vehicle or something else.

The cement shoes have come on in the last two days. I don’t know when they will come off. I hate wearing them when in fact, I have sneakers on. The cement is so heavy. I feel so weighed down with them on. It’s like I can’t move. It’s so painful. You are exhausted by the time you reach your destination, which is only a few short blocks from your house.

The exhaustion from the depression has to be worse than a physical illness or about the same, depending on who you talk to. It really sucks because you might have energy before you get dressed and then when you are finished showering and putting on your clean clothes, you are wiped out. It sucks more when you are in physical pain as well. I don’t know what is worse at this point. Dealing with my chronic pain in my ankle or the depression. Maybe it’s both. I just need to find a chisel and a hammer to try and escape from these cement shoes. They are no fun.