Category: Bipolar Disorder

Random 456

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I honestly don’t know what to do with myself today. I started reading one of the articles that I bought, then thought I should probably finish “Far From The Tree”. I have about 300 pages but it’s hard reading it because it’s about kids with disabilities. One of the chapters have to deal with rape and I am not looking forward to that one.

I finished having lunch. My sister made clam chowder and it was so good. I plan on having some ham next but I am kind of full from the chowder.

I finally bought a couple of new journals from Barnes and Noble. Apparently, that is the only place where I can get them that are more than 80 pages. I should get them after the first of the year. I also bought DVDs from Amazon. Next week I need to go to my favorite stationary store to get a calendar for the new year. I could have bought it off Amazon but I want to check out the pens at the store. I need a refill for one of the pens that I have so it will work out. I just hope they have it. I really like this pen and would hate to have to toss it because I can’t get a refill.

I went to Walgreens to get some binder clips and to refill my prescription, which was too early by a day. I have to go back tomorrow to pick it up. My leg is hurting and I hope it’s better by tomorrow. After a fellow blogger’s advice, I am using my cane to get around. I was reluctant to use it but after I nearly took a tumble down some steps, I think it’s a wise choice. At least until I find out what is wrong with my leg.

I feel kind of racy today and I don’t know why. I want to do so many things. I want to write the paper that I have been thinking of, read my books and articles, and then write some more in my journal. This is what I am thinking of doing. I also need to write a letter to my therapist. She is on vacation and I think she will like them. I hope to mail them out by Thursday so it will be in the office sometime next week. I won’t write her a ton like I have in the past.

While trying to find a specific pen, I found my ceramic Egyptian pen. I started writing a letter to my therapist with it last night. I love this pen. It’s like a V ball but sharper. When I was at Walgreens, I found the pen I was looking for but it was almost ten bucks for a three pack. It had blue, black, and red. I just wanted the black pen so couldn’t justify spending the money on it. I am sure the black pen will surface when I am looking for something else.

I slept till 0800. I don’t ever recall sleeping this late. It felt good to wake up and it not be earlier than that. I forget what time I went to sleep though so I don’t know how many hours I slept. I hope this raciness stops soon. I am just glad that it’s not restlessness because I need to rest my leg so it doesn’t hurt. I don’t feel elated or manic-like. I don’t feel really good either. I can’t explain why my thoughts are going in a million directions. I think it’s because I want to get the stuff off my bed and the only way to do it is by reading through it. I’m glad I didn’t make coffee when I had breakfast. I would be going bonkers!

I’m starting to take one of my muscle relaxers twice a day to see if that helps with my leg pain. The pill is the size of a penny and taking the sucker is a challenge. When I take it at night, I have to take it first just in case it doesn’t go down right away. I have to drink a lot of fluid to make sure it doesn’t get stuck in my throat. That is why I hate taking it more than once a day. Sometimes it goes down okay and other times it doesn’t. Most times, it doesn’t. I should have let the doc keep me at a lower dose but take more pills. Next time I see him, I will ask if he can change the dose and just increase the amount I take so I am not choking on the pill.

 

Dealing with Pain, or lack there of

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Dealing with Pain, or lack there of

I woke up this morning with my leg bothering me. I thought the pain would subside if I got out of bed. I was able to shower today and help my sister prepare Christmas dinner. It proved to be too much for me. I am now in excruciating pain and almost in tears. I went up to my room to take a pain pill and then went back down. I thought by the time I reached the last step my leg was going to give the final fuck you and let me fall. I was just in a lot of pain. I couldn’t stand and I couldn’t sit. As I am typing this, it’s the only thing that position that I am really comfortable. I am going to go to sleep soon as the pain meds kick in.

I wanted to watch a TV show tonight but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen. I usually watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” but I don’t know where the DVD is. I have to order a new one. I also need to order another Titanic DVD because I am missing disc 2. Granted I like the part 1 better than the sinking of the ship but it would be nice to see the whole movie rather than just the first half. I think I will just watch Home Alone. I could use a comedy.

Waking up in pain is no fun. It sort of ruins your whole day. If I wasn’t feeling so restless, I would probably be sleeping. I did have a big meal. I really tried to make Christmas this year but it always seems I am in pain or am sick. Last year I had a nasty cold. It would be preferable to this pain that I am having. At least I know the cold will go away. I am not so sure about this pain. This pain I have been having since before Thanksgiving. I thought it was nothing but it turned out to be something. I am currently waiting for an MRI to find out what it is. I might be facing surgery again. It’s something that I am dreading.

There is no guarantee that surgery will fix this. But I know there is something wrong with me. This pain shouldn’t be happening unless there is something wrong. And with it brings my anxiety up a few notches, making my PTSD symptoms worse. I am in constant vigilant mode, always on edge. It’s awful to be in this state. And waiting for this MRI is not helping matters. The secretary was supposed to call me Wednesday and I haven’t heard anything. I kind of want to call the office and see what the hold up is. I hope it’s not my insurance. My father gets his CT scans all the time and doesn’t have any problems. We both have the same insurance. This waiting is just killing me because the longer I wait the longer I suffer, both mentally and physically.

I am so tired of dealing with pain every day and now to have this leg pain that makes walking and going up and down stairs difficult is just torture. I can usually tolerate a lot of pain but I am almost burnt out at this point because there has been no relief. I am usually in pain with my ankle/foot. But my leg pain is worse than my ankle. I just have low tolerance these days because I get no relief. I can take pain meds for my ankle/foot and it works but the new pain doesn’t want to settle down with it. I am again thinking of ending my life because I can’t deal. And that isn’t a good place to be.

Christmas 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Christmas 2015

Merry Christmas to all my readers!!

I woke up to a bad dream where I thought my mother had fallen. I rushed to her room, half asleep, to find her okay. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep because of the adrenaline rush. When I did wake up, I had a migraine. I took some meds and then a shower. That helped. I texted my friends and family Merry Christmas and surprisingly got a text from my BFF from childhood. It was good to hear from him.

Christmas will be at my sister’s house this year. I am happy about that. I can stay in PJs and just go downstairs. My leg is already giving me trouble and I really just want to stay close to home as possible. Just taking the shower exhausted me.

It’s still warm and to my surprise, my mother has the back door open. It’s good to have fresh air in the house. This has to be the warmest Christmas on record. I hope tonight, after dinner and all, I can watch “Coat of Many Colors”. It’s about Dolly Parton and my favorite country singer plays her mom. It got such rave reviews that they are re-airing it on Christmas. I wish I could record it but my TiVo is still dead. I tried reviving it while waiting for my Chinese food to arrive yesterday and no luck. It just won’t boot up. I will try and get a new one some time next year. I just feel bad because I won’t be able to watch my shows until I get a new one. I will have to watch them in real time and I hate commercials. It’s lovely to watch an hour program in 40-45 mins.

I placed my grocery order last night but I missed the sale for my powerade so paid regular price, again. I can never catch it when it’s on sale. Delivery will be Sunday as Saturday was a holiday. Maybe Stop and Shop celebrates Boxing Day.

Christmas Eve 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Christmas Eve 2015

Traditionally, Italians celebrate Christmas on the Eve and then rest on Christmas Day. We have the seven fishes. I am not a fish person and I don’t celebrate. I am spending the Eve watching TV and had one margarita that was one too many. I also had Chinese food that was okay. I have had better. I am disappointed that I can’t get decent Chinese food in my area.

I had a day of running around, quite literally. I left my house early and did a few errands before going to my father’s house. I was tired by the time I got to his house. I had to pick up his meds and decided to buy PF Chang’s frozen dinner entrée so I wouldn’t have to order out. But after all was said and done, I was too tired to cook. I came home and my ankle/foot wanted a divorce from me. I was in a lot of pain and my foot was swollen. I took some pain meds, which is probably why the alcohol really got to me. I am a lightweight anyway, doesn’t take much to make me feel buzzed. I had like a quarter of a glass of the Margarita stuff. It’s only 1900 and I am ready for bed already.

I am so tired of being in pain. I wanted to get gift cards for my family as presents for tomorrow but I was too wiped out and in pain to go to Walgreens. I thought I would later when and if my foot/ankle settled down. I should have gone before having the alcohol. OOPS. So it will be another year where I don’t get anything for my family. If I can, tomorrow I will at least get a money card for my father. If I don’t give him anything, he will be pissed. Got to satisfy the narcissistic ego. I should have bought him a gift a card at the grocery store, now that I think of it. But I was already weary and just wanted to go home.

Pain takes so much out of me. I really can’t do anything for too long anymore. I can’t stand or walk without severe pain so that kind of hinders things. I wanted to dust my ceiling fan as the dust is accumulating. I think it’s been a year since I dusted it last. I just can’t stand long enough to do it.

The temps in Boston reached at least 70 today. Despite it being warm outside, the house felt cold. I still wore shorts and a T-shirt. My back is going to kill me come next week when the temp drops. We are supposedly having snow starting on Tuesday.

My mood kind of sucks. I feel like I should be sleeping and I think I will be going to bed soon. I hope my family doesn’t wake me up early tomorrow. I really just want to sleep in, if possible. I had a crappy sleep last night as I kept on waking up every fricken hour. I was afraid that I would sleep late and I wouldn’t do what I needed to do today. All is done and now I am going to read the creepy American Gods book and then sleep, I hope.