Category: blogging

Rainy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I went to bed pretty late last night despite going to sleep at an early hour. I woke up around 2300 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I hate when that happens. I really didn’t think I was going to wake up but I had to pee and that is how I got my second wind.

It’s raining so I don’t feel like walking to the Post Office to mail my therapist’s letter. I also don’t feel like going out to get a Father’s day gift. I can do that tomorrow. I really have been bored the last few hours. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I was thinking of clearing off my bureau so it’s not so cluttered but fear a domino effect will happen once I start moving stuff. Maybe I will just take all the pens that have accumulated and place them in a box. I am a pen hoarder. I will admit to that.

I never finished reading that chapter in Dostoevsky. I just haven’t been in the mood to read. So I am just listening to my music. I need the music to keep my brain from going mush. I am really tired and want a nap but it’s close to dinner time and I know my mother is going to be calling soon. If she doesn’t, I plan on making some tater tots for supper. It is my go to when I don’t want anything else to eat.

My mood has been okay today. I have neither been up or down. I just have been too bored to really feel anything. I made the phone calls that I needed to make this morning when I got up. I really am having a lazy day. But then, most of my days are lazy. I just stay in my room and play on the laptop for most of the day, doing nothing. I really want to work on my book, but I don’t want to do it at home. I rather work on it at Starbucks where I won’t be so distracted by the internet. I just can’t seem to focus like I used to. It all depends on the mood I am and if I have a clear head. If I am depressed or feeling “meh”, I just don’t do as well as if I was clearheaded and not so depressed. I still have the “why bothers” creeping around because my suicidality lurks. It’s extremely difficult to think of a future when you want to kill yourself. I guess to try and psych myself up, I went ahead and put in the title of the book and got the ISBN number. It’s the number given to all books as sort of a library code or something. I have no idea what “ISBN” stands for. Probably International System of Book Numbers, for all I know. There are two numbers you are given, ISBN and a ISBN-10. I don’t know what the difference means. I knew the Dewey decimal system way back in high school as I used to spend time with the librarian. She was a sweet lady, who believed in me. Always told everyone that I was going to be the first doctor out of my high school. I guess now, I would be a disappointment to her. But I bet I am the first person out of the school to publish a book!

I hope the rain causes tonight’s game to be postponed. The Sox have been playing so shitty, I can’t bear to listen to the game anymore. Yesterday in the abysmal loss, two fans rushed the field, causing a delay of game. I don’t know why anyone would do that when the game is a loss. Course, I don’t know why they would do it if they were winning, either. I guess because people are morons. I get that the fans are unhappy. They pay a lot of money to go to the home games and when you lose, it’s like you are losing your money. The Sox have had more loss streaks than any other team in the AL. Tonight we are supposed to play the Braves. Maybe if I root for them, my home team will win.

On A Sunday in the Sunshine

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I spent the afternoon at my cousin’s house. It was a good time. I spent most of it in their pool. It was a warm day so it was nice to cool off. I drove home and thought the brakes were going on the car when my stupid brother in law had the emergency brake on. I stayed the speed limit the whole way home and was a good distance away from cars in front of me because I didn’t want to risk not having brakes. I was going to take my sister’s car Tuesday to see my therapist but now I am not going to because there is something wrong with the brakes. I feel so deflated.

I am wicked tired and will be going to bed early. I might finish the chapter I was reading on Dostoevsky. I read half of it last night before I fell asleep. I am hoping for the same effect tonight.

I sent my therapist my last blog about TG issues. It is important for her to read it before out next session. I am going to try and see if we can talk tomorrow. Sometimes she has times in the evening. We definitely have a lot to talk about.

I was expecting conversations with my cousins and other family members there today but there wasn’t, though my aunt and cousins were happy to see me. I don’t usually like to go because I really don’t like my family much. Their sincerity can be a little faked. I knew which was real and who was faking it. No one talked to me about my book and I was grateful.

Saturday Blog 24

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 24

I had a late sleep. I didn’t get up till after 1100. I haven’t done much, except answer a few emails and editing/format my book. I wrote up the title page. Once I have another 50 pages or so, I will enter the book in my writing cue so I can get the ISBN number to add to the word doc. While going through the pages, I realized I had written something twice so I took it out.

It’s a warm Saturday, temperatures in the 80s. I went out to get my prescription and was really hot just walking the short distance that I did. Tomorrow I am supposed to go to a cook out but I did something to my toe and can barely walk without pain so I doubt I am going to go. It really sucks because my cousin has a pool. I am hoping that if I stay off it the rest of the night, it might get better. I somehow caused my toe to get a blister and it is all red and swollen. It’s my nerve damaged toe so I can’t really “feel” it. I am listening to the Sox in extra innings, the score is tied at 4.

I haven’t done much in self care. I wanted to take a shower but haven’t yet. I probably will before bed. My mood still sucks. I haven’t been able to get out of it. My sister called my mother today and I was afraid that she was going to say something about last night but she didn’t. I forgot to send the blog I wrote last night to my therapist. I will later. She isn’t going to read it until our next session anyway. I just feel like I am not being validated. And that hurts more than anything. That is why it sent me to a crisis mode last night. I reached out but a blogger friend helped me more than the crisis line did. Sometimes, when you are in that mode, all you need to do is talk to someone who understands. My friend is gay so she gets some of the issues. She has a friend that is MTF so is understanding of transgender issues. I just wish my family had a fucking clue.

I finished the book about Shame and Perfectionism. Apparently, all you need is self-awareness to overcome the depression and anxiety in your life to change the abyss. The last chapter was so full of bullshit I could use it as toilet paper. Throughout the book, the author reiterates over and over how she hopes this book helps the reader, like it is a god-send or something. Anything but. The exercises she gives are complex and requires serious thought which sometimes is clear enough, but some of the exercises are not so straightforward. It would have helped greatly if she gave an example of an answer in real language, rather than clinical talk. The book did help in some areas and I have written about it in a letter to my therapist. I am going to use this paragraph as part of the review I am going to send. It will be in a little bit more detail, but that is the gist of what I will be writing about.

My brother in law asked if I was still going tomorrow. I told him it depends on how I feel. He said we will be taking my sister’s car, which I will be driving home as I am the designated driver. If I don’t go he will be screwed. I really want to go but I don’t want to be in pain the whole time I am there. It will be miserable for me and it’s not like I can just drop them off and come home and wait for them to call when ready to come home. My cousin lives too far away for that. So I guess I will be going, regardless of how I am feeling. I will pack a bag tonight for tomorrow. I hope it turns out okay.

TG Issues 6: Coming Out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, transgender

TG Issues 6: coming out

I got a text message from my sister tonight about my mother. She wanted to know if I told her yet, even though I told her, via text, next week. When I told her I was writing her a letter, she got me upset. She said that I shouldn’t do that, she (mother) wouldn’t understand. It’s not like she is going to understand it better me telling her but she is deaf and this will cut down on me having to repeat myself multiple times, causing me more aggravation. Sister then thinks that I shouldn’t be doing this at all, unless it’s face to face. Fuck that. I just spent an hour with the crisis text (741741, US only) telling them how my sister is not supporting me and how upset I am about it. I seriously just wanted to die by suicide when I got her multiple texts. It was like she was pulling support from me and I just couldn’t handle it. No one knows how suicidal I am right now. And this subject is the cause of me being suicidal. The text line took at least 40 minutes to get to me. I was denying the severity of my suicidality. Only because I knew that I would not be acting on what I was feeling and usually they want to deal with that. I am still having thoughts of wanting to kill myself that are very intense.

I basically am going to tell my mother that I do not want to be called a “miss” anymore. And that if I am, it will be ignored until the correct pronoun is used. The correct pronoun should be either mister or sir. I am not a female. I do not wish to discuss this in person as it is upsetting to me and when you call me “miss”, it hurts me. I hope you will respect my wishes. I think this is sufficient. I don’t need to tell her that I am thinking about becoming a man or getting testosterone shots or anything of that nature. She doesn’t need to know.

What I wrote in the last paragraph is sufficient. I will bring it up to my therapist when I talk to her on Tuesday. I will be emailing this to my psychiatrist so she is aware of what is going on. I know I could have paged her tonight, but I didn’t want to bother her this late on a Friday night. I am always afraid of her telling me to “come in”, meaning go to the ER.

I also talked with my blogger friend in CA. She always makes me feel better because she understands TG issues. She has many friends that are either gay or TG. I envy her. I wish I was a part of a community. This weekend is Boston’s Pride but I won’t be attending because I can’t stand crowds. It gives me horrible anxiety. Plus with my ankle acting up, I doubt I would be able to stand for too long. I should get one of the walker seats but I am not there yet. I want to be mobility free as possible but it’s getting more and more likely that I will need to have these devices because I just cannot tolerate walking long distances or standing for more than twenty minutes.

I took my meds along with my pain meds. I was going to take an extra Ativan but I don’t think I will need it. I am not as anxious as I was a few hours ago. I think the pain meds have blunted my emotions as I am very tired. Least my ankle is not hurting me as much anymore, which is a good thing. Maybe now, I can finally go to sleep.