Category: blogging

Random 645

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Last night I was bored so I printed off my book so that I could edit it sometime today. I wasn’t planning on being in pain, however. My foot exploded last night and again this morning. I took my pain meds and despite drinking coffee, I feel like I need a nap. Surprisingly, my toner yielded all 42 pages without any skipping or runs. This is the one that the printer came with and I am happy that I don’t have to use my new toner, yet. It’s surprisingly efficient given that you usually only get about 20 pages of stuff before it goes. I have printed almost 60 pages of stuff on this cartridge. I will keep it as long as it keeps printing!

I am in a lot of pain. Just walking down the stairs to make the coffee hurts. I am supposed to go to my cousin’s house this weekend for a party. I will be the designated driver as my brother in law wants to drink. Question is whether the day is Sun or Sat. I texted my cousin but haven’t heard back from him, yet. It’s his son’s birthday and they are having a BBQ and pool party. I am kind of anxious about it because he is in a state far away from home. I just hope I don’t get the antsies to get back home because it is a long ride. I just heard pool and I was sold. I might bring a notepad with me just in case I get the urge to write. I don’t think we will be there more than a few hours, but knowing my family, it can go until the evening hours and I hate driving at night.

The Shame book that I am reading has a few errors in it. A couple of words were spelled wrong and there are some punctuation issues. So much for being perfect! I guess when you publish independently and don’t use an editor, things like this happen. But then, I hired an editor and there was a punctuation error that I found in my book. Guess we all can’t be perfect. I am learning a lot from this book and last night when I was reading how to deal with parents, it gave me the words of kind of what I want to say to my mother about my TG issues. Now I just need to write it and go over it with my therapist. Once this happens, I will give it to my mother. I know my therapist won’t be picky about what I write. And I know whatever I do write, she is going to be okay with, but I want the wording to be right so there isn’t a huge fallout.

I haven’t had anything to eat, yet, except a banana and coffee. I just don’t know what I want to eat. I could make some eggs but that involves standing and I just don’t want to. I am in too much pain to stand. I do have to go out today and pick up my prescription. I haven’t figured out how I am going to get there with my ankle being so sore right now. I might need to walk with my cane. Or just wait until the pain meds settle it down some. I really hate taking my meds during the day but this pain is unreal. I really hate it, but there is nothing I can do about it (besides take meds and be off it).

I finally remembered to take my morning blood pressure meds. I missed two days in a row because I forgot. I am glad I have an app that reminds me to take my meds or I will always be forgetting more often and that would not be good. I think that is the reason why I had been anxious the past two days. The BP med is a beta blocker that also helps with anxiety. I was first put on it in the hospital last August because my BP was unstable and I was having panic attacks as well as chest pain. I emailed my psychiatrist last night because I was anxious again, not bad, but enough to make feel like I was going to lose it. I told her all I could do was take an Ativan.

My sister texted me to see if I told my mother yet about the TG stuff. I told her I haven’t yet. It will be soon enough. I will probably write a first draft tonight. She was questioning why I am not telling her face to face. I just can’t. If it goes the way I think it will go, I will be terribly suicidal afterwards and I want my therapist to be around. I tell her now, my therapist isn’t available, I can be lethal and I don’t want to end up in the hospital. I haven’t told my other sister my plans. She hasn’t been “alone” for me to talk to her privately. I don’t even know if she knows I am TG. She read my book but she didn’t say anything to me about being TG or question anything I wrote. All she said was “well written”. I honestly don’t know how she is going to take the news either. The whole process is making me nervous. I guess that is why my anxiety is up.

Random 392

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I had therapy today. She read half of the TG blog that I sent her the other day. She says that she misses me. We haven’t had an in-session session since my last birthday. I was going to see her next week but I have babysitting duties until the 26th. Our times are too close together and she lives so far away, I would hate being late picking up my niece. I probably will see her soon enough.

We talked about the great idea I had about sending my mother a letter about how I want to be called. I just don’t know if I can do it. It would have to be a time when I know I am talking with my therapist in case the fall out goes horribly wrong. I wish my mother was more accepting of me or supportive. But she just isn’t. I accept that even though it is harder than hell to. She has her ways, I have mine and unfortunately, they don’t meet up. I told her I even thought of having a session with my therapist to break the news to her but I really don’t want to be in the car with her for 45 mins after session. It would just kill me.

I did some editing today. Nothing major, just changed a word here or there, and formatted the paragraphs. I figure the more I do now, the less I will do when publishing time comes. If I am still alive, that is. I tell you, it was hard not going through with it today after my therapy session. I just had the urge. I didn’t act on it, otherwise I don’t think I would be writing this blog today. I hate when it hits you like a wave and you have to ride it out. We did talk about heavy stuff today and I “blew” my therapist’s socks off (her words) when I told her about my idea with my mother. She said she was very proud of me and I guess I just couldn’t handle all the positive emotions. It gets to be overwhelming for me sometimes. I just don’t think I am that good of a person, sometimes. Today was one of those days, I guess. I told her I don’t have to “deal” with her for the next few days so I could tell her these things and then have a break.

I also talked about the Shame book that I am reading. It is giving me the insights about things. Reading this book gave me the idea to write my mother the letter on how to address me. I still have no idea what I am going to write but it’s a start. The book is also helping me to realize somethings. I wish I could remember what they were but I can’t off the top of my head. I do know that I am not liking her writing about all her “success” stories. It would be nice to see that there are a couple of failures but who wants to own up to that? I have been in therapy too long to know that not all therapies work for everyone. Insightful therapy doesn’t work for everyone. I had a therapist that was that way, and it really bother me. Granted I was just 16, but still. I was intelligent enough to know what was going to work with me and what wasn’t. The therapist was a gold digger and ended up taking advantage of me. She was just worried how she was going to get paid more than how to help me. It didn’t help that I “fell” in love with her and would do anything for her, which she knew. It was a rocky relationship and something that I swore I would never let happen again. Course I sort of “fell” in love with my current therapist the day I met her. But that is a story for another day.

I dealt with my father today and soon as I left, he called me to say he has a $1000 insurance policy. With whom, he has no idea. He just said yes. IDIOT. I guess when the bill comes in the mail, we’ll know. And then my mother wanted me to make her a sandwich for dinner. Really strange. I did it, just because I wanted a sandwich, too. It’s too hot to cook anything.

My ankle exploded on me an hour ago and still hasn’t calmed down despite taking my pain meds. I am hurting really bad. All I did was shift position where I was sitting on my bed and it flared up. That is all it takes and whammo, I am in pain. It’s too bad that it happened way before my bed time. I am going to be sleepy come game time. Last night, I couldn’t bear to listen to the game. It was terrible base running and I just couldn’t listen. I know it would have been worse to watch. I stopped listening when the score was 3-1 Orioles. Final score was 5-2. I don’t get why we suck so bad. Course, there has been some debate on the strike zone being “larger” so more batters are striking out but most of the strike out are looking not swinging! It all depends on the umpire whether or not he is going to call a ball a strike or not. I wish there was inconsistency among them but there isn’t anymore. And it is sad.

ramblings 76

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I went to bed at 0430, slept for four hours and then was up nearly every hour after that. I was really agitated last night and couldn’t sleep. If you read my last blog that I wrote, that will clue you in why. I don’t care to talk about it again.

I had a plan to nap and then write but that didn’t happen. So I skipped to the next thing: blog. My father called me this morning asking when was I coming over and I told him tomorrow around noon, but it’s going to be more like 11 because I have therapy at 1230. I really don’t want to go over there tomorrow but I have to. I just hope I can wake up early enough and leave the house at 1030 to catch the bus. I definitely will need coffee!

My therapist received the letter I wrote about my abuse. She wanted to talk about it today but I was too foggy brained to really get into it. She wants me to write a follow up letter about no blaming myself. I was trying to hold on to the idea but it slipped away from me and I can’t seem to get it back. She said it didn’t have to be a long letter, but a short blog or bullet points. Something. I was like whatever. Fact is, you can’t unblame yourself when a parental figures tells you it is your fault. I remember the words as if it was yesterday. I thought there was going to be understanding but then there wasn’t. I then had to deny everything because of this. I had to lie essentially, to avoid talking about it to my family. The pedophile, that is what he is, turned my own family against me because he did it out of “love”. I hate my family for this. And then they wonder why I don’t ask support from them. I try to tell myself that it isn’t my fault but I am going against the grain. It doesn’t feel right. This is upsetting me so I am going to stop here.

I never worked on my book like I wanted to. I had a story I wanted to write but it faded away from me when I took the nap. I probably will write something tonight or maybe I won’t. Who knows. Who cares. Today when I went downstairs to make my coffee, my mother stopped me and said “miss, how many books have you written”? I wanted to vomit when she called me miss. I still do. I told her I just have one book published. She told me that my cousin said that I had “2-3” done. HA! I wish. Don’t know where the hell he goes off telling my mother this. I haven’t talked to him in weeks. I am very close to telling my mother that I am transgender. I can’t stand being called miss, it’s an attack on me and I hate it. Maybe I will write her a letter and leave it on the kitchen table so I don’t have to talk about it. If my father can call me sir, then my mother certainly can too. Granted, I don’t think he understands what he is saying but that isn’t the point. I’m never going to get them to call me their son. That is only in a dream world.

My therapist didn’t read the blog that I sent her last night, but she did read the abuse letter so I have to give her credit for that. I just wish I was up to dealing with it today. I am still licking my wounds from last night. It was such a horrific night. I don’t really know what set me off. I told my therapist that the date was back on the table. I am not taking it off this time. She asked me today if I had reasons to live. I told her I don’t. She then listed a few. I don’t care. I am tired of living MY life in pain all the time.

Did it Again

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, transgender

Did it Again

Just got off the phone with a good friend of mine. We were talking and I came very close to telling him that I was trans but something stopped me. Then I go on Facebook and lo and behold I find out that Obama has appointed the first transgender woman to some position. I got thinking, where the hell are the trans men? Am I the only one coming out? Should I stay in the closet, so to speak? I am getting so fucking bullshit about this that the suicidal impulses are at an all time high right now. I still think killing myself is the way to go. I will die as a woman, which is what everyone thinks I am anyway so who is going to know?

I just feel like I am wasting my time thinking about ending my life. I know that I probably am not going to go through with it, but I just need it to be there. But here I go again, stuck in the pain and darkness at an hour that isn’t convenient to talk to anyone about how I am feeling so I am writing this stupid blog. Not that I would call anyone. I hate talking to people on the phone, except for my goofy therapist. I haven’t taken my meds yet for the night. I took some trilafon because my thoughts were getting out of hand. The cousin that I saw earlier today called while I was talking to my friend. Figures. I knew he was going to call me tonight. He wants me to call him but it’s too late and he just wants to talk bullshit things. I am tired of bullshit. I can never talk to him when I am like this. He just doesn’t understand or want to deal with the darkness I deal with. No one does.

I know things will be better in the morning, they usually are. But this agitation is unreal right now. I hate feeling this way. I know pain is going to hit sometime soon so I have taken my pain meds in anticipation. My foot is already swollen so its just a matter of fucking time. I was telling my friend about this and of course, all he said was wow. He got it though. He has a medical background. He couldn’t believe I was disabled but he understands. I don’t know why I am so aggravated. I hate being who I am right now. I realized tonight that if I didn’t have breasts, I would be called a man but people don’t look at your face anymore, they just look at your chest to determine gender. It’s sickening. I hate being this way. And if I have to live like this for much longer, I know I will end up in the grave. I was reading today somewhere that suicide isn’t a destiny. Apparently they don’t know me. They also said that people just want their pain to end. Yes, that would be nice but I still will have to deal with the depression, the physical pain, the mental pain, the disability, the you name its. Who wants to live that way? I don’t. I have had enough. So the plan that I put off is not back on the table. Maybe it will be off the table by morning but I doubt it. I want to be something I am not and it’s killing me slowly, every day.