Category: blogging

Lump of Coal

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I just woke up from a nap. It’s almost two in the morning. I am having a hard time going back to sleep. I don’t want to play my game because I know I will be up all night if I do.

I still feel awful. I think that is one reason I can’t sleep. I know I made the mistake of going to sleep before 2000 was wrong. I really was just expecting just to sleep for about an hour, take my meds, and then sleep for the night. That didn’t happen. Luckily my phone was beeping that woke me up to take my meds otherwise I might not have woken up. My battery would have been dead because I was playing my MP3 player. I had Mary Chapin playing. I am now playing Casey James’ new song “Fall Apart”.

I feel like such a loser. I finished my big blog post about CAMS and I should feel proud of that because it took so much mental energy to write it. But I don’t feel anything. I feel like a lump of coal. I hate feeling like this. I can’t say that I wish I was happy. I don’t believe in happiness. Like any other emotion, it stays with you for a little while and then disappears so why strive to be happy. I rather feel content. And I don’t feel that way right now. I have fallen into the abyss of depression. The black dog has returned. I don’t want to do a damn thing tomorrow but I have to go to my father’s to give him something that my sister bought. It’s supposed to be yucky out. I am not looking forward to going out.

Saturday I went over his house to fill his med case for the week. I wish someone would fill mine every week. He is so spoiled. But this way here I can keep track of the meds he is taking versus not taking. It is cold in my room. I just took off my long sleeved T shirt because I was hot and now I am cold. I better not be getting sick.

I just checked my stats for last night. HOLY COW. Before my nap, I was at 34 views of the day. It shot up to 82 after my blog posting. I am amazed at my readership. I thank you all for reading my blog, even though I think I write nonsense sometimes.

I just finished playing my game. I know I said I wasn’t going to play but I had some crops that I needed to harvest for a timed mission. I don’t think I am going to finish by the end. It is going to be very close if I do. I have 5 days to complete this mission and I still need a ton of stuff. Usually, I skip the timed missions because it is a pain in the ass, but this time I thought I would try it, just to challenge myself.

I am getting hungry. I should have brought up the yogurt my sister was going to give me. It’s the rest of the Greek yogurt my niece had for cooking. She made some amazing Greek yogurt sugar cookies that were so good. It was like a biscuit but a sugar cookie. It was very good. She also made some other cookies that were excellent. I don’t know how I am going to lose weight when I am surrounded by cookies. I am a cookie monster. It is my kryptonite. My niece also made a chocolate cake that was very good for my mother’s birthday. She made everything from scratch. She loves cooking my niece! She once made these scones that were out of this world. They were the best scones I ever had. Her boyfriend bought her a huge mixer for Christmas. She was so happy, she cried.

Yesterday, or should I say Saturday as it is now Monday? Anyways, as I was watching the previews to the football game, I was so emotional. I kept on crying. It wasn’t sadness that made me cry, it was sheer joy that the Pats were in the playoffs, again. I hope they are able to beat Luck and the Colts.

Meds are kicking in now so I think I will stop here and try and go back to sleep.

Quitting time

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, psychache, suicidality

Quitting time

Quitting time is one of my favorite songs by Mary Chapin Carpenter. It is the song that I sent my ex to officially break up. It didn’t happen. Months later she contacted me, then blocked me on Facebook and I haven’t heard from her since. I think I might have thought of it when I was going through some hard times with my therapist.

Right now, it feels like it should be my quitting time. I haven’t been able to get out of the funk I am in. My therapist is supposed to let me know if she has an opening tomorrow. I kind of don’t want to talk to her. I just want her to leave me alone. But the more I try pushing her away, the more sessions I get. It doesn’t go in my favor. I just don’t feel like talking when I am in this type of funk.

I am supposed to go to PT tomorrow but I might cancel it because of the weather. It’s supposed to snow and if there is a lot, I am not going out in it. My ankle is still going to bother me no matter what they try to do. I don’t think going to PT is going to help me. I was hopeful before but now, since I feel so hopeless, I don’t think the same way. I just feel so worthless and have the “why bothers”.

I got to call my doctor’s office tomorrow as I think I need something for this cough that won’t go away. It is worse when I go up stairs and I can’t catch my breath. Then I start wheezing. I just get so congested. I haven’t been running any fevers or feel sick. I just have this cough that just won’t go away.

I feel like giving up. I don’t have anything keeping me here. I feel so awful, day in and day out. Part of me knows this is temporary but I am just tired of fighting it all the time. Why can’t I just give up? Why can’t I just take my life? I am worthless and useless. I can’t shake these feelings. I have tried distraction, music, showering, etc. I still don’t feel any better. I am in pain with my ankle and that brings me down further. I really just want to end my life and be done with it. It’s quitting time.

Patriots win!

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Patriots win!

I watched a nail biting, painful football game tonight. American football, not soccer. By the start of the 4th quarter, I was seriously doubting my home team. But we pulled a win out of our ass. And a win is a win, even if it was ugly. I can’t wait to watch the OSU vs Oregon game Monday night. I lost 11 followers on Twitter. Every time I swear during the game, I lose followers but I don’t care.

Sometime during the 4th quarter, I started getting dizzy, even though I was sitting down. Even now my head is spinning and I am up in my room. I think it maybe due to either dehydration or exhaustion, or both. I woke up very early this morning and have not really rested. I am wicked tired and think I am getting another cold. My cough from my previous cold is still with me. It has been more than a month since I have had this cough. It’s not all the time, but it gets annoying when I try having a conversation with someone.

I thought a lot about my therapist today because it is our anniversary. I have been with her for fourteen years. And this depresses me because I know in a month my surgery anniversary is coming up. It was a tough time and I was losing my mind. I ended up in the hospital and my back gave out on me. I left AMA to see my chiropractor, which turned out to be a huge mistake. I ended up with CES, cauda equina syndrome, 12 hours after the adjustment. This has changed my life forever.

I guess this is why I have been so down lately. I have been thinking where I would be had not had a neurological injury. My back probably would still hurt. But I think if I didn’t get the chiropractic adjustments, it eventually would have gone away. Too bad it took 2 surgeries for me to be on medicine that helps my pain.

It’s 330 am and I just woke up in pain. Yay me. NOT. I started reading my Twitter line and then I started crying. I don’t know why. The stuff I was reading was mostly about Scotty McCreery, nothing too provoking. I was also crying during the football game, but those were tears of joy. I don’t know what these tears are about. I am just feeling wicked emotional right now.

For most of the day, I had been dealing with a low level sadness. It was my mother’s bday and I didn’t have money to get her a card or anything. Course, I think cards are a waste of money anyways. People don’t keep them like they used to and then if they do, they get thrown away anyways. I just don’t have “extra” money. I spent most of my money on meds this month and a few grocery items. That was it. I need a fucking job. But I can’t work the way things are right now. It would kill me. I would be in too much pain.

I don’t know why my right ankle is bothering me. Usually it is just my left. The pain seems to have gone away, which is good. Maybe I was just sleeping in a bad position or something.

Monday I have physical therapy and it is going to be snowing for most of the morning. Just fucking wonderful. I am tempted to cancel the damn appointment. But, we’ll see. If the temp is about 25 degrees, I will go. If it is less than that, I will cancel. I am not going to go out in the freezing, snowy weather. The reason for this is because the cold causes my back to cramp up on me. It happened yesterday while I was waiting for the bus after I left my father’s place. I was pretty bundled up, too! It was only 20 degrees out. Not as bad as the other day but still cold enough to hurt me.

I hope I can go back to sleep. I really don’t want to stay up all day. It is almost 430 am now. I have been up for an hour. If I don’t get back to sleep, that will so suck. I think with the pain medication and Ativan, I should be able to go back to sleep. I don’t know what I will be doing today. I think there will be a broncos game. The winner of that game will determine who the Patriots play next week. I hope it is the Colts. I really don’t want to see Manning’s ugly face. I can’t stand him because he is not a team player. He is only out there to do stuff for him and if it doesn’t happen, he yells at his teammates. That isn’t right.

Looks like I will be going back to sleep. YAY! Thank you meds!

Just useless

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression, suicide

Been listening to country music on the radio most of the day. I didn’t go to my doc appointment today because I didn’t want to freeze my ass off in the cold. So I spent the day trying to work on this blog that is driving me nuts at this point. It is already six pages long yet not even 1500 words. I still have five pages of notes to type up. I think that will be a task for tomorrow. My brain is fried.

Ankle has been acting up the last few hours. It hurts and at times, cramping up. I don’t know why as I have been on my bed resting for most of the day. The only time I have left my room is to eat and go to the bathroom. I did stand to make my breakfast and lunch. I probably will have to stand to make my dinner, too. It is going to love that. I really just want to take a nap. I have been up since six o’clock.

I did some searching to see if I could find the article that is in one of my previous blogs. I wanted the hard copy so I can read it as it has been a while. I have been unable to find the actual journal that it is in so finding the hard copy was a good thing. I would have printed it out but I don’t have a printer. It is on my list of things to get this year.

My mood has tanked today. I found myself seriously thinking of ending my life. It is becoming more prominent than a passing thought. I texted my therapist about chatting with her but have not heard back, yet. I just feel really worthless, like what I am doing doesn’t matter to anyone. I feel like my blogs are worthless. That my writing is shit. And I just don’t want to be anymore. I rather be in a hole in the ground than be above ground. I am just useless.