Category: blogging

Birthday Month Almost Over

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Birthday Month Almost Over

Today was my middle sister’s birthday. We had a good dinner that put us all to sleep and then we had the party to attend, LOL. My sis had two sangrias and was gone. But I was happy for her. She got to enjoy herself on her day.

November is birthday month as there are a half dozen or so birthdays for my family members. My Godparents and sister are usually in the same week. The 1st has my cousin and three good friends. The 3rd is my baby sister. 11th, 13th, 15th godparents and my sister. 6th, 8th, 25th are my cousins. It’s a busy month!

I had minimal pain today but when I got home from the restaurant, my leg had muscle spasms so I had to take something for it. I am a little tired from it now. I just took my night meds, a little earlier than I usually take them but I don’t want to be up all night. I didn’t sleep too good last night. I somehow ended up on my back last night and when I woke up, it was hurting and I was stiff. It took forever for me to become limber again. I hate sleeping on my back for that reason. It takes me forever for the pain to stop and for me to move without pain. I usually sleep on my side so I don’t know how I ended up on my back. It drives me crazy.

I am really missing my pdoc. I don’t know when she is back in the office. I am sure she will let me know when as soon as she is able. I haven’t seen her since the end of September. And it looks like my PCP has pawned me off to his nurse practitioner. I am kind of glad but at the same time I am worried. What if she messes with the pill count or the way that I take my pain meds. I won’t be happy with her at all. I just need a refill. Not a change in script. But their new policy means you have to be seen in order to get the meds. So frustrating. And this particular RNP is a moron. She wanted me on 3 blood pressure meds. That wasn’t going to happen. I take enough meds, thank you. All she had to do was increase the newer one that I was on. To me, that was a no brainer. But she is an airhead. When she saw me for my BP check, she rattled on how it has been a while since I last saw her. I have never seen her in my life until that day.

My mood has been mediocre all day. I only got in a sad mood when I found out Nebraska lost their game. But then I got excited when I found out OSU’s QB broke a few records today. I feel bad that I missed it. I love their QB. He is going to be famous one day. I will be following him.

Day 2 of TS

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging

Day 2 of TS

I am on day 2 of listening to 1989 by Taylor Swift. I can’t stop listening to it. The songs are so good. There isn’t a song I don’t like. And with the song/hit “Shake it off” I can’t stop moving when I am listening to it. I have to bob my head or just dance in my seat. I am really enjoying this album. It might become my favorite.

Last night, I got really depressed. Not suicidally depressed, but enough that made wonder if life was worth living. I don’t know what got me into the funk, probably the sun going down because it happened around that time and the mood got worse as the night wore on. I haven’t sleep more than 3 hours today. I went to sleep at 1 and woke up at 4. Tried to go back to sleep at 6 but couldn’t really get a good rest. I gave up around 10 as I got hungry. I finished off the rest of my Chinese food. Then my sister offered me peppers and sausages so I had some of that. I am planning on ordering a pizza later for dinner. With fries because I haven’t had them in a long time. My niece and I will devour them, I am sure. I still have to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescriptions. I think I will do that before I pick up the little one. She is still sick and I am weary of being around her because I really don’t want to get sick. I haven’t decided if I am going to get half cheese and half pepperoni or just get half pizza and then a steak and cheese. I am on the fence. Guess I will decide later. I am not hungry right now so I can’t say what I want.

My legs are hurting me for some reason today. Every time I stand on them, they feel like they are going to give out on me. Weird. So far they haven’t and I hope that continues. It will suck to fall.

I tried to write with my mood being dark last night but being tired interfered with good writing. I think I just wrote a page in my book because I was obsessing over 1989. I had to see if I got the digital booklet on my phone (I didn’t) so had to use the computer to download it. I got all the lyrics to the songs, which would save me a bunch of Google searches. In my search I found an article by Edwin Shneidman about commonalities on a good death. It is a really interesting article but for some reason I read the first paragraph and then I keep getting distracted. Since his death, I have been having trouble reading his stuff. I miss him. I wish we could have had a conversation about psychache and constriction and lethality. It would have been awesome to pick his brain. But my last conversation with him, he was cranky so I never bothered him again. Then he died a month later. I guess I am still devastated by his death. I knew it was coming as he was having major health problems. I just have to move on and be able to read his material. I know I won’t be sorry reading it as I always learn something from it, even if it is my second or third time reading it.

I am still waiting to hear back from my father’s doctor and my doctor. I am so annoyed I haven’t heard anything. I got to call my father soon and tell him he has an appointment on Monday and maybe that will settle his anxiety some. I will have to explain to him that he has to go to this appointment because it for his pre operation stuff. Without this, he cannot have surgery. He is scheduled for three weeks, though I am trying to move it up the best I can. I am hoping that when the doc sees him on Monday he can do something for my father.

I have not written anything today other than this blog. I am too tired to come up with something. I was hoping to come up with something last night as I had the itch to write but nothing came of it. I got sucked in TS world and that was it.

My mother is making cookies. I hope they are something good.

random 11 on the 11th

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I feel really unmotivated to do anything today. But I did return my one phone call and they are going to pick up my car tomorrow morning. I know my brother-in-law will be happy about that.

I was going to go out today but I had coffee at home so there is no reason for me to go out now. I will be going out tonight as I have my Aunt’s 90th birthday party to go to. I really don’t feel like going but I am her godchild so I need to go. And I have to take my father and sister so there is no way I can get out of it. My aunt will be very disappointed if I don’t show. I suppose I will have to shower now that I will be going out. I should do this after my blog in case it wears me out and I need a nap. I don’t know why a shower is so exhausting to me at times. But I guess when you have chronic illness, any type of physical activity if going to wear you out. I don’t shower for very long, in fact, I have timed it to be around 10 minutes. Not very long at all but it still wears me out at times.

I had therapy today. Again, my therapist wanted me to write a “positive affirmation” blog about myself. Or even a letter to her. I was going to write it on Sunday night, but I got too tired after all the good things that happened. I thought the good feelings would last but they didn’t. Sunday evening I noticed that Amazon had me as one of their favorite books of the year. It is no longer there anymore but I snapped a picture of it to prove it was there! If those of you that are reading this have a Kindle, my book is now on sale for just 99 cents. Here is the link.

We didn’t spend too much time talking about the affirmation part of it. I felt good knowing that my book touched someone Sunday night. Apparently, I have my intro to the book on my blog. If you want to see it, click here. I never knew this guy had struggles with suicide, but then, not too many people wear signs that they struggle, myself included. I tweeted him that he wasn’t alone and he said he would buy my book. I hope he does and I hope that it helps him in some way.

That was another thing my therapist pointed out to me today, that I am creative. I don’t think of myself as creative. I really have to focus if I want to be creative. And the thing about self-promoting my book is that I am going to have to be creative in 140 characters or less. I have 7 days to let the world know that my book is 99 cents. And I can’t use the same tweet over again. Silly, I know. I can have the same message on Facebook but Twitter knows when you use the same message. So trying to come up with several different hashtag combos and wording is going to be a challenge. So I guess I am a little creative but again, I have to be focused to come up with stuff and my brain doesn’t have the knack right away to come up with sayings. It is usually after the fact that I come up with a good line.

Something is going on with my phone. When someone calls me, the phone doesn’t show the number or person calling until like 3 rings into the call. It is annoying me. Like today, I was all into Twitter as Garth Brooks just signed up for his account and the phone rang but I had no idea who it was until the 3rd ring. It was my therapist and I was kind of off guard as I completely lost track of the time. For 2 seconds I was wondering why she was calling me, interrupting my Twitter scrolling and music playing. I had Luke Bryan playing and was really into the song when she called. I hate when people call during a good song! LOL Or I will get a few text messages during the song. Annoying! But I guess that is the price I pay when I listen to music on my phone.

We also talked about technological stuff. I had to explain about Twitter chats to her as she has no idea what they are about. It is a good thing because she wouldn’t be able to keep up. The tweets were crazy Sunday night. I had looked into another browser and when I came back, there were 20+ tweets that I had missed. All within a span of a few minutes! I know there are a lot of people that join the chat. I think one week we had over 65 people. Insane! You really have to be a fast, proficient reader to keep up. And then my phone was blowing up with all the RTs and favorites or mentions. I keep forgetting to shut my ringer off.

Looks like my father wants to make a “late” appearance at the birthday party. Just fucking great. Me navigating in dark is not so well and I know it is going to be pitch black come 5 pm tonight. I hate driving at night. If it was just me, I wouldn’t care but with my father, my nerves are on edge because he has his own “way” of getting to where we are going. I unfortunately am not that familiar with driving from his house to my aunts. It is going to be nerve racking that is for sure. Too bad I can’t take an Ativan.

Saturday Blog 14

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Saturday Blog 14

I know I should be watching the OSU game but it’s a tight match between Michigan State and I hate watching nail biting games. I am keeping track of the game via Twitter and my CFB app. It gives me updates of the scores at the end of each quarter.

Another day in which all I did was sleep. I made pancakes today for lunch and I guess the carbs knocked me out. I have been full since and have not had dinner. I just am not hungry.

I have a full week of stuff to do this coming week. Tuesday is a full day. I have PT and then therapy. In the evening, I have my Godmother’s 90th birthday party to go to. I am hoping that PT doesn’t tire me out too much or hurt me. I have a day of rest the following day. Then Thursday I have an appointment with my father that is bright and early. I hate early appointments. I still have to figure out what bus to take to get there. I think I know what it is but I am not sure. And I hate the hospital he is going to. I wish he would just wait and have the surgery where he is scheduled but no. He doesn’t want to wait. Well, the day is coming as we are waiting for these other bozos to evaluate him. It’s so frustrating! Drives me up a wall. Then Friday, I am to pick up my niece. Saturday is my sister’s birthday and we most likely will be going out to dinner somewhere. I haven’t been told where, just to show up, which is typical. I told my other sister that I am broke and she says she got me so I guess that makes me feel a little better. But it still kills me that I have no money to even buy her a card. I feel so bad. But then, I really don’t believe in getting cards for birthdays and such. It is a waste of money as they see them, maybe read them, then they go in the trash. No one saves them. Just a waste.

I still have not thought much about the assignment my therapist gave me the other day. I think she gave it to me to try and combat my negativity toward myself. But I am so pessimistic that I don’t think anything can get through my head but negativity. I still see it as a futile exercise. I guess I am hoping I will get into a hopeful mood and do it one day.

I haven’t taken my nighttime meds yet. I don’t know what I am waiting for. It’s getting late and I should take them now rather than wait. I just don’t feel like getting up from my comfy bed. Besides, I want to stay up and listen to the rest of the football game. My meds will knock me out within an hour and I know the game will still be playing. Course, I am tired so taking them now will put me to sleep shortly and I don’t want that.

Lately, I have been thinking of things related to death. I wonder what will happen if I were to die. It’s the same thoughts I have been having for a while now. I struggle with not giving in to them. I haven’t planned my death or anything. But I still think about the thoughts I had while I was in the hospital and wonder if I would be able to go through with them. So far NONE of my plans have made it past the thinking and preparing stage. But that is always what I do. I think, I plan, and it goes no where. Usually because I get derailed by my therapist or if my psych is involved, I go in the hospital. It is going to be a rough two months just having contact with my psych via email. And so far, I have been having a one way conversation with her. I send her email but don’t get a response. So frustrating!

I haven’t heard anything about the reviews yet. I keep checking the website and I noticed there were more attempt survivor stories there. I hope my book gets picked.