Category: blogging

a little of this and a whole lot of that

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I went to Starbucks. I don’t know what exactly I was doing but I left my house around 1130 and the next thing I knew it was almost one. I was busy editing and playing on my phone. I am getting closer to my goal of editing the first 100 pages of my book but I am still like 15 pages short. I am sure I will get it done by the end of the month. I so want this book to be edited and published. It just is the longest process I have encountered. But then this is my first book so I guess there will be some hiccups.

I am in a little better mood today than I was yesterday. I listened to Jason Aldean’s song Relentless and it made me feel like OMG that is my therapist!! I have to play the song for her on Tuesday. That might be our new theme song.

I got a little drunk last night. I had a few shots of whiskey and started texting her some stuff like we shouldn’t be together anymore, that I am a hopeless case, etc. I then had to have her text back saying she was alright because I felt bad with making her cry the night before. She said she was ok. She was probably laughing at my texts. I did emphasize that she should see a consult for herself. Maybe they can help her anxiety issues. I am still waiting for my insightfulness to kick in but it hasn’t yet. I wonder if I lost it because I haven’t used it in a long time.

I edited part of a chapter today that was about dealing with suicide attempts. I don’t know if it is going to stay in or not. It is a blog post that I just threw in there. I have noticed I have done that a lot. Some of the content is good but other stuff is just not pertinent to the book itself. But I might leave it in. I don’t know. It really makes a good read. I just have to work on the title of the chapter a little bit. If you want to read it, here it is.

I don’t think I can be apart of my support group anymore. Some of the newer people make me want to rip my hair out of my head. I don’t say anything to them because I don’t think telling them off is right. But seriously think they should get a fucking clue. This isn’t going to go away. You are never going to recover completely. There is ALWAYS going to be residual damage and you might not feel it today but you will feel it tomorrow. But I hold back my fingers typing a response to the person because I don’t want to hurt their already fragile feelings. That is what delete is for. Though it still pisses me off that I have had this condition for over twelve years now and I still have to deal with it. So if I have to, so do you! There! Well, not the majority of my readers because they do not have CES and if this offends you I am sorry. I am just spelling out the truth.

I don’t know why I still hang around. The group has been quiet lately. But you get the one person that ticks you off because they think this is a cancer or something and they can beat it if only they try hard enough. It’s just sad. The condition is humiliating enough and people need support for it. I try to be supportive but I have become jaded. People think that I am a wonderful person and a great contributor. I guess it is my honesty that gets people to think this way. All the while I just think I am being a smartass asshole.

awful session with therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

It came! My World Series cap finally arrived today. I hope it would have lifted this awful mood I am in but it hasn’t.

I don’t know where to begin. I had an awful session with my therapist last night. She was asking what to do with her anxiety and how it could be put to rest. I said valium is the answer. She said that wouldn’t make me less suicidal. True but she could zone out about it. I am joking here. I know suicide is not a joking matter but this is my blog and I will say what I want. She talked about how her anxiety revolves around my safety and she just doesn’t think I am safe anymore so how can she simply ignore that when I keep talking about putting a rope around my neck. And that is not to accessorize. (ok, another bad joke.) I think she should consult with someone. I really think that SHE needs someone to talk to about my case. Maybe they could help her. I know you can’t go alone when you are dealing with someone and their suicidality. That goes for client and therapists. I will tell her this on Tuesday when I see her. Or just send her this blog so she reads it and maybe it sticks in her head a little bit better.

I don’t know why I am in such a rotten mood. I guess because I made my therapist cry and I feel bad about that. Another indication that we are too close. I so very badly want to cancel Tuesday’s appointment but I have no where to go that day. Monday I see my psychiatrist. I don’t know how much of this I am going to tell her. We (therapist and I) talked about the hospital but what good will it do me. They don’t have you talk about stuff when you are there. They make you fill out a distress tolerance bullshit form. Like that is really going to help in times of wanting to put a fist through the wall. I don’t feel like doing that. I do feel like finishing off my bottle of whiskey. What would it hurt? Except for writing more “truth serum” blogs? I guess I am feeling hurt because that is really the only time I want to drink. Listening to Lady Antebellum is helping. They have made some their song acoustic and it is really cool. I need music right now to right this wrong I feel that I have done.

No one in my family knows about this. I haven’t talked to anyone. I wrote a friend an email asking what do I do but I haven’t heard back from her yet. It might be a few days till I hear back from her. She is the slowest person to respond to email because she is so busy. So I wait.

Other than a blogger friend, I really have no one to talk to about this kind of stuff. But I am just not in the mood for talking right now. Today is my sister’s birthday and I am supposed to go to her party in about four hours from now. I really don’t feel like it. I just want to stay in my warm bed and hide under the covers. I forgot to get her a birthday card but then I think that birthday cards are stupid. All anyone cares about is what is inside. They don’t care what the card says. And they are more expensive now than they were in the past. Some as much as four fricken dollars? For something someone glances at and then junks? Seems ridiculous to me and a waste of money.

I have eaten only small meals today. I am starting to get hungry but I don’t feel like eating. I hate that. I just don’t know what I want. I kind of want Pad Thai but I think I will get that Monday when I see my pdoc as the restaurant is around the corner and it is a late appointment. Even if I wanted to go into the hospital I can’t. Not until I see my PCP for my monthly pain check visit. He is another one that wants me to call him if I feel like acting on something. What is he really going to do I have no clue. Not like I am really going to call him anyways. I have a crazy, lunatic therapist and my pdoc to call first.

issues of control and books

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt survivor

I finally got Andrew Solomon’s new book Far From The Tree today and as expected, it is big! I am glad I got the hardcover and not the paperback because I know I probably would have wrecked the spine. I don’t know when I am going to start reading it. My reading concentration has been nil since finishing Team of Rivals. I have been trying to get into a Harry Potter book but even that seems overwhelming to me and I love reading Harry Potter. Chock it up to the depression being lousy. I still have at least three other book that I have not read but are on my list. One is a book about the American Revolution, a Civil War battles book, and another book on Lincoln. Can you tell I love history?? I also have others that I won’t mention because they will cover the whole spectrum of things. I always seem to buy books, a lot, in a short period of time and then when it comes time to reading them, I can’t decide which one to choose. And I have to say there are at least two books on my Kindle that are not read yet. I am an avid reader. I still have not finished re-reading Noonday Demon, though at this present time, I don’t know where it is. I know it is in one of my many bags.

I still have a clinical book, cognitive therapy for suicide behavior, that I have not finished. I will have to read that over because I forgot where I left off. If I start reading a book and leave it off in the middle for a long time, in this case more than a year, I usually start from the beginning just to refresh the old noodle.

I am having a slow day today. I just woke up from a nap and was hoping the mail came so I can have my World Series Baseball cap but looks like just the bulk mail got delivered. Dammit! I have decided that in order for me to cut my hair short again, I have to lose at least five pounds in the next two weeks. Which is going to be difficult because I love Thanksgiving and my mother is making the turkey and desserts. So much delicious food. Will I have the will power to stop myself from overeating?? Probably not which is why I am starting the diet today so I can indulge a little bit next week. But for right now I have to stay away from my mother’s chocolate chip cookies. They are my true weakness.

A friend of mine asked me to be part of a research study and it had a follow up interview as part of the thing. I should have said no and went on my way but I like taking parts in interviews. This one is about suicide attempt survivor and some family related stuff, which I don’t think it going to be useful to her because my family knows of three possible attempts and not the many. It is going to be tough and I am not sure I can do this. But then I always think of the worse and it never ends up being that way.

I have set my goal for the rest of the month. If I can get to page 100 I will get myself Starbucks coffee for home use. This way I don’t have to worry about going out for coffee on those days that I need to stay home. I just have to make sure I have half/half. I am thinking about making coffee now so I will stop here to have my fix.

exhaustion, pain, and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, mood disorders, suicide

As my mother would say, I did nothing at all today to warrant feeling utterly exhausted. What she didn’t know is that I woke up three times during the night because of pain and had to take my pain medication each time I woke up. She doesn’t get that I don’t sleep at night, ever. It is a rare event now to get at least 6 straight hours of sleep at night. I have been managing only 3-4 so far for the past week. It’s only seven o’clock and I feel like I have been up all day even though I did get up at noon, a half hour before my therapy session. I made breakfast even though my ankle was killing me. It started last night when I got home from the party and hasn’t really let up. Today I got a compression sleeve for the ankle and put it on. It really helped with pain control. I have had it on for a couple of hours and had to take it off because the material was annoying me. Now the pain is returning. You can wear the compression sleeve for 24 hrs but I don’t want my skin to get annoyed with me. Because my foot/ankle is nerve damage, even socks annoy me after a length of time.

I really want to take a nap but then I will be up in a few hours and won’t sleep through the night. It is a vicious cycle.

I talked with my therapist today. She read both my blogs on my rant about her and my transgender. She really wants me to see this transgender doctor at the LGBTQ health center in town. But I told her I can’t. We were supposed to get back to the other blog, where we come up with something different than how she is handling my suicidal crisis and I suggested that she have her doctor prescribe her valium. I was sort of half joking/being serious. I don’t know what is going to ease her anxiety about me being in a suicidal crisis. I just know that it is interfering with me telling her what I need to tell her. I remember a time where I could tell her my plans and she might not agree with them and I know she certainly didn’t want me to go through with them but she listened to it. Now it’s literally like she panics soon as I get another hair brained idea to kill myself. Oh and I wanted tomorrow off just so I could sleep in. You would have thought I was trying to steal the Hope diamond. SHE went berserk on that plan so I countered with a session for Thursday. She is like the mother hen from psycho land or something. She always wants to know what I am doing. My own mother could care less what I am doing and where I am going.

So the reason I bring this up is to try and think of a way in my exhausted state to tell my therapist she really needs valium or another way of handling me. But what does that look like? I am not her so I can’t just tell her to fuck off, I mean I can but it’s not going to get me anywhere. How am I supposed to get her to calm down? And why am I the one to think of these things?? Shouldn’t therapists already know how to handle shit? It’s not like I am confessing a gruesome murder or something. Well, maybe. In a sense I am telling her how I am completing my own murder of self. But it’s not like I am chopping off my head and body parts. Though right now the only body part I would LOVE to chop off would be my ankle. I got to seriously think about this one because I don’t know what to do. I generally like to be on my own about this stuff and she doesn’t want me to be alone. Maybe that is what she should do, leave me alone and let me tell her whatever it is that is running through my rabbit brained mind. I know the chance of me acting on such thoughts are small. But thinking those thoughts give me a release that helps me get through the darkness. But as we were talking about today, if I don’t talk about the dark thoughts, if I keep them inside without anyone hearing them, Then Mr. Hyde is going to come out and start with the suicide notes, and this time it might be more people out there than just my blog can reach.