Category: blogging

on being a loser

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

My therapist is back from vacation. I really am glad she is back. We talked a lot today and I sent her a funny card for her birthday which is tomorrow. On the front of the card it has a dog saying “look I can connect to the internet” and a cat that is saying, “that is the microwave…” on the inside is says something about being an imbecile in the technological age, which is so true for her. I wish she was up to speed technologically but only a miracle can happen before she is. She has a vague idea what Skype is just to give you an idea and even though I created her own email address, she always forgets she has it. In her squirrel brain, I don’t know if she ever uses email for anything.

I have been depressed all day despite being with my niece. I just have been really fighting the suicidal thoughts all day. Even though I feel I have made some success with my blog and it being on the Masters in Counseling website, I still feel like a loser. I just don’t feel good enough. I am wicked depressed and in pain all the time. I am so tired of being in pain all the time. Yesterday my arthritis was acting up because I haven’t been taking my anti-inflammatory pill. I have sort of been deciding which meds to take and which not to take since I have been having trouble finding the funds to get them. I kind of wish I was on state health care so that it might be cheaper than what I am paying with my private insurance but there is no guarantee that I can see my providers. I know I can still see my therapist and psychiatrist. I am just worried that I won’t be able to see my primary care doc. So until then, I am skipping doses except for my psych meds. I can’t miss too many days of them because I will go nuts.

Because my pain has been acting up severely lately, I have really been in a funk. I just can’t get myself together to get out of it. I still do everything that I normally do, like go to Starbucks and goof off there then come home and usually write something. I just don’t know why I bother leaving the house. I hate taking the bus now. I get wicked anxious on the ride home every time. Getting there to where I need to go is not a problem because it’s the last stop of the bus. Everyone needs to get off so I don’t feel so claustrophobic and panicky. But on the ride home, if someone is blocking the entrance or an exit, I just get really paranoid and panicky for some reason. I don’t know why it is and why this is happening as I NEVER felt that way before while on the bus. I guess I am just self-conscious that I may trip over someone or something and go flying when the bus stops. I hardly leave my seat anymore when approaching my stop for fear of falling. I usually have good balance but lately I have been off. I guess it is becoming more into my head of not knowing where my feet are and it’s distracting me. Because of my nerve injury, I no longer know where my feet are, especially my “good” foot which is my right. I used to be able to keep my balance pretty good but lately I have been losing my balance on it more than my “bad” foot. I just feel like killing myself will solve everything. I won’t have to deal with the anxiety, the pain, the loss of balance, and the heartache anymore.

My therapist reminded me today that I am needed by others. Again with the others and my family. I kind of felt better, a little bit but I know she was just saying it because she is one of the others that need me for some reason. It kills me inside that I have to continue to suffer for others. It’s like I am being a martyr or something. I just am so tired of living. So tired of being tired. I can’t remember when I had energy to do stuff. I wanted to clean out my car today so that I could junk it but I had my niece with me so that didn’t happen. We went to the park and I know if I take my sock off I am going to be in pain more than I already am right now. I have been putting off cleaning my car for almost a year now. I just don’t have the energy or motivation to do it. It needs to be done but I just can’t do it. And I feel like a loser because I don’t have any motivation or energy to do this stuff. I am able to. I just need to sit on the back seat with a trash bag and haul all the stuff in the back in a bag but that is too much for me. I need to save my spoons for going to Starbucks to get my one cup of coffee a day, to get dressed and showered. To be able to tolerate standing while waiting for the bus. I think I am going to take a nap now.

A Pain night, YAY! NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CES

dermatome

I have been having some weird pain in my left hip the past couple of days. If it was a one time deal, I wouldn’t be worried about it. But every time I sleep on my right side, my left hip goes berserk. It’s like getting zapped with an electric prod of some type. I never have had nerve pain like that so tonight I decided to look up the dermatome map to see what nerve pathway could be causing this. It is the L3 nerve. Just great. It’s the section I had surgery on almost seven years ago. I am really nervous now. But I know the first thing the doc is going to say is lose weight, which I have been trying to. I have been eating cereal rather than making something else to eat, like a fried egg. Course that is the only thing I do know how to make. I can’t make something fancy like poached eggs because I usually end up making it a hard boiled egg. Or egg drop soup. I usually have my mother make it for me if I am in the mood for it.

SO I have this new weird pain that may or may not mean anything. I am not having any weakness but my foot is wicked hurting me for the past few night really bad. This is despite me not doing anything and I don’t know if it is the position I am sitting in that is causing it to feel this way or what. I just know that when I lie down, all hell breaks loose. It’s like sitting up is the only way for my body not to hurt. Trouble is, I CAN’T SLEEP SITTING UP!!

I was going through my legal pad of paper today as there is a lot that I have rolled back and came across my letter to my psychiatrist about ending my life. There was soo much more I wanted to put in it but I think what I wrote is to the point and says what I need it to say. It is a really sad letter. I feel like bringing it to her at my next appointment, but at the same time I don’t think it will be a good idea as she might hospitalize me. I still am thinking about ending my life but a week later, the 23rd of Aug when I turn 37 yrs 8 mths old. It just some how works out in my head that way. I really want to stick around to see if the Red Sox make it to the play offs. I think they will but I am not sure. The bullpen has not been really strong but the new addition of Peavy is fun to watch. He likes to talk to himself on the mound. It’s like watching Dennis Eckersley on the mound. And he is a good pitcher, just like Eck.

I just feel like I have to do something to try and make my life better and killing myself is the only option I have. I don’t want to be anymore. I am so tired of fighting myself all the time. Of fighting to deal with this pain every fricken day. It is so tiring an no one knows except my fellow CES friends and bloggers. I can’t tell my family because they just say go to the doctors. The doctors don’t have any answers for me anymore. And I am scared to death that this new pain policy is going to be the death of me anyways. Might as well kill myself now and get it over with. I am sick of fighting for my pain meds. My one relief I can count on is a couple of pills a day, sometimes more. But lately I don’t feel like I deserve it. I feel like I should be in pain because I am a bad person so I wait until the pain is a 10 before I pop a pill. No one has told me otherwise. No one has cared enough to tell me when I should and shouldn’t take my pain meds except the voices. They know how I should take my meds and when I need it sometimes before I do. They sometimes are helpful but lately they really want me to OD on them in ways that I don’t like. I rather take a bottle of Tylenol than OD on my meds. And besides, it isn’t going to kill me. It might make me sick but that is all. I would need at least a three month supply of meds to kill myself and I don’t have it, nor can I stock up on it because that would mean not taking my meds and I NEED relief more than I need a method of killing myself.

I don’t know if I mean that I will kill myself. I know some day I will do it but I don’t follow through on my taking off or planning dates. The 17th will be here before I know it. But I just found out it is my friend’s birthday so I can’t do it on that day. I don’t think it would be right. It would so be a slap in the face. But that is not the person I am. I hate being in pain tonight. I don’t know how much meds I will take to make myself go to sleep. I still have a bottle of Neurontin I can take but I doubt it will do anything but zone me out.

Relationships and Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Relationships and suicide

While I made a promise to myself I would never kill myself over someone, some people feel like they should take their life because a relationship ended. They feel so badly that they want to take their life. They may feel this way for multiple reasons. They feel they are not good enough, or that the girl/boy friend or wife/husband would be better off without them. It all is a matter of feeling connected and once that connection is broken, the hurt can be too much for a person to take. There is also a sense of belongingness that a person feels that contributes to their self worth and whether they belong. If they don’t feel this type of connection, they feel their life is over. They feel they have nothing to live for because their relationship is over. It can happen to anyone at any time in the relationship or when it ends. The important thing to remember is that these are just feelings and they will pass with time. You are not always going to feel the same level of hurt that you feel right now. Most importantly, you are not to blame for the relationship ending, though you may feel that way or even been told that by your significant other.

Another reason people feel suicidal after a relationship ends is because they feel that they can never have what they lost. This is especially true when the person they love dies suddenly or is taken away due to cancer or other illness. This is especially hard to deal with because it hurts just as much if not more than a mutual break up. People feel more alone after a death of someone and thoughts of suicide can run rampant to an already depressed person or to someone who has never experienced the type of loss that death brings. Trying to move on from this hurt is very difficult. I have a friend going through this type of loss right now. He lost his soul mate over a year ago and still feel the pain every day. It causes him much grief but because he has a busy work schedule, he buries himself in his work duties. I fear that should something else happens in his life, he would be inconsolable and be very suicidal.

There is no comforting word I can say that eases his pain or your pain, if you are reading this. Time is the only thing that helps and also moving on. Letting go of the hurt and pain as much as you can stand at a time. It doesn’t mean that you are forgetting this person. It doesn’t mean that you love and care for that person any less. It just means that you are ready to move on with your life and let some hope in to heal the heartache.

Another night of the Midnight Demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I can’t sleep. I have slept most of the day. I was woken up almost 24 hrs ago to my mother being on the floor. She fell after what I think was a hypoglycemic attack. She was all sweaty and disoriented and her speech was a little slurred despite her sugar being in the low 70’s. It took me a while to get back to sleep, despite being drugged. I had to check my Facebook for my game rewards and found out the Sox won in dramatic fashion. I then read for a little bit before finally succumbing to sleep around 5 in the morning.

I still have my fucking menses and what is worse is that every morning this week I have woken up to my pants being soiled. I am not very happy. This mense shows no sign of stopping any time soon, though the flow is lessening somewhat. I am getting to be very depressed and thoughts of not waking up in the morning are getting more and more prominent.

I finally got back to reading “Team of Rivals” and the Civil War has just commenced. I am finding out more about the battle and how difficult it was giving up loyalties and such. I can’t imagine what commissioned officers went through to decide to be for the Union or for the Confederacy. And it is a miracle that the White house wasn’t occupied at any time to be burned to the ground as it was in the middle of all the fighting!! I am also surprised that no one thought to move the capital to a safer place, like New York rather than stay in Washington. But what is done, is done. I think it is funny that the first lady, Mary Todd had a competitor for the best dressed house in Kate Chase, one of the cabinet members Daughters. Both decided to have elaborate dinners and such for appearances purposes. But then, that is what they did for fun in those days. I also find it interesting that Lincoln’s boys were disruptive during cabinet meetings and such. I bet that does not go on today. I can’t imagine Obama’s daughters charging in during a meeting to play.

Since I have been sleeping most of the day, I have not had any coffee. I didn’t go out yesterday because I didn’t feel like it and today I didn’t because I didn’t wake up will almost 1500. I couldn’t have coffee at that hour because I know I would still be up at this hour but with more energy than I have right now.

My writing partner has reviewed my relationship paper and given me some pointers on it. I have not had the chance to write it. I kind of not been in the mind to finish it. She said it was a good paper. I just got to do it. I am glad there is no deadline for working on this paper. Otherwise I would be screwed. I hopefully will be able to work on it tomorrow if I am able to get back to my routine. I guess with my therapist on vacation, I have really not stuck to my schedule of waking up and getting dressed to get coffee.

I bought pizza today because I felt like it, and fries. I am a fries addict. I love fries, except sweet potato ones. Actually any type of fried white potato I like. Then my mother made chicken cutlets and I was like damn, I wasted my money. Oh well, I will have pizza for lunch tomorrow. Nothing tastes good as cold pizza and cold chicken.

I miss having my routine where I go to Starbucks. But I got to figure out why I have been getting anxiety attacks on the bus. It’s been happening more and I don’t know if it is anxiety or paranoia, or both. I just know I start feeling weird, especially when the doors start to get blocked by people standing in the isle. I can’t stand it. Then I start getting nervous and panic. There is no reason why I should panic, other than I fear for their safety. But other than that, I don’t know why I get so nervous.

I have been thinking about my date. It’s coming up in 15 days. I can’t help but think about it. BOTH my pdoc and therapist are on vacation that weekend. It would be a perfect time to act. And I just thought about another way of killing myself so it would be cool to try it out. If it fails I could always go back to what I really want to try. I just don’t see the point in living when I have all these issues that make me want to die. I know there are people fighting for their life with cancer while I am somewhat healthy and all but I would gladly exchange my life for theirs if it meant I would die and they would live. I hate being in a female body. I hate being in chronic pain all the time. I hate being in pain for no good reason other than just for “fun” with my nerves being out of whack. I really wish I was dead. I hope that wish comes through one day.