Category: blogging

feeling terrible

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I feel terrible and weak. My menses of course have to drive it up a notch and my doc is on vacation just like I thought she would be *huffing puffing*. I was supposed to meet up with a friend today but I am still trying to catch up from sleep I lost yesterday as I had been up almost 24 hrs before taking a nap for a few hours. By few, I mean 3. It was a hard day yesterday. I didn’t know if I was coming or going and I still don’t.

My therapist and I have tried to work on what to do should Mr. Hyde shows up while she is on vacation. Maybe to text the call for help people or something. But the thing is, other than feeling really suicidal, I don’t feel the need to ask for help. I feel totally normal. I go about my business like I normally do. Except I am writing dark stuff and planning the end of my life. I am beyond hopeless so what would be the point of reaching out? I don’t feel the need to talk to anyone. All I need is a pad and pen or my laptop and I am good. I express all the dark stuff on paper or send off messages to people that I care about telling them I love them and not to worry that I will be in a better place. It seems NORMAL to me but I know it’s not normal when I wake up from this dream/dissociative state. Only when I am out of it do I really feel the sting of the pain because I am still living. I really feel like during these episodes that I am going to die, that I will fall asleep and not wake up. Then I wake up, rested and wonder if I dreamt all that, but then the yellow legal pad or messages I get in the morning are my tell all. That it wasn’t a dream. That I wasn’t in my “right” mind at all. And every time this happens is after 2100 hrs. It starts usually about then and ends whenever I fall asleep which is usually around 0300-0400 in the morning. I use military time because it is easier to write for me.

I am supposed to write something for the AAS blog but other than the piece I did write and was rejected, sort of, I have no clue what this person is looking for. And I am tired of trying to please someone. I wrote a three page blog last night at five in the morning because I was up and had all these thoughts in my head, but apparently, chronic pain and suicide doesn’t fathom her taste either. I am going to hold off on posting the blog for now as I want to re-read it and maybe make some edits. My therapist almost went apeshit on me when she found out that this person was going to rifle through my blogs. I don’t care. I really don’t. If a million people can have access to it, why can’t she. My therapist I have had to throw limits to because there are some stuff I just don’t want her to read. That is limiting just one person. And it’s not like people I know really read my blogs. There is a person in Taiwan that reads them and I don’t know him or her. That is the beauty of being anonymous. But when your therapist reads your blog, you know you are no longer anonymous and that frightens me. I know I post my blog on Facebook and a couple of my real friends have read it. But they don’t call me on it. Some people do. My sister had her friend over the other night and we were talking about Facebook and she called me by my real name (which still shocks me because I never get called that at home except by my mother) and she proceed to ask like WTF is wrong with me. In FRONT of my sisters and her friend. I kind of got embarrassed. I was like WTF. I post what I post and I don’t censor it all. Hell, if I censored my blog, all of them would be private and not available to help someone who is feeling the same thing I am feeling so what the hell is the difference. Just because you think your life is all happy and shit doesn’t mean that my life is. My life is miserable and I know that I can make it better by not being a part of the world but that is not going to happen. I have an eight year old that looks up to me and to tell her that I have died would just break her little heart. And knowing that I would be the cause of that is why I can’t go ahead with killing myself.

boring day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Today I wanted to clean my car out but it didn’t happen. I instead watched the baseball game and felt so sleepy afterwards. I don’t know why I have been getting these sleepy sessions after I have been up for a few hours. I did not have coffee today. I really need to get my car cleaned out so that I can get some money for it. It is a junk box right now as it hasn’t been running for over a year. It probably will, if you jump start it. I will try and do that tomorrow.

The Sox lost. I am not in a happy mood. I have not really been in a good mood even before they lost. I still have been dealing with the stupid menses today. I can’t believe I am going on week four of this crap. It is so bumming me out. FOUR fricken weeks of this shit. My migraine went away and now I think it is back again. I don’t know why I have a migraine. I haven’t really been out except in my back yard, where I finally had enough with bugs and came back inside. I hope that my blood pressure isn’t back to sky high because I stopped taking my blood pressure pill. I hated taking it. And my blood pressure has been perfect since I am no longer working so thought I would experiment and see if it goes up. I don’t know what it is, I lent my brother in law my blood pressure machine and have not received it back.

I really hope that the migraines are related to the whole menstrual cycle business. I can’t be getting migraines anymore. It will mean having to stay in dark places and stuff. I hate that, not that I like living in the “light” so to speak but protecting your eyes all the time from bright light is a hassle. I would have to wear shades all the time.

I have not showered today and don’t plan to. I do plan on brushing my teeth the next time I go to the bathroom. I at least have to do one of those things, if not both. Sometimes I am too nauseous to brush my teeth so I won’t do it. It’s a struggle.

I have not really done anything today except watch the ballgame. Foot is quiet for the moment. I am sure it will act up soon as I try and go to sleep. I have been so out of it, I haven’t even played my game in a couple days now. There are a couple of new missions and I just want to complete the “old new” missions first but no one is requesting the stuff that I need. It is getting annoying. But I have some new “friends” that play the game and are active so that is good. I’ll probably play later tonight before bed. I usually do.

So far my suicidality is ok. I don’t think I will have a “split” tonight. I have my therapy appointment tomorrow and I hope that my mother’s doctor’s appointment is after 2 pm. I am trying to get my sister’s car but it looks like she is driving her husband’s truck and I hate driving it because I am not used to it. I couldn’t stand driving the older vehicle because it just gave me anxiety. Now that they have a newer vehicle, I don’t want to drive it for fear of crashing it somehow. I am not good with backing it up as my judgment and peripheral vision is impaired at times, and is worse with a big vehicle. I don’t know if I will ever be able to drive an F150 truck like I hope I will but then if I ever do, I hope to have won the lottery!

I really hope that I can resolve some stuff this week with her because I really think that I am heading for a hospitalization. I just can’t deal with shit anymore and if that is the reason why I have been having these “splits”, then maybe going in the hospital is the best course. It dreads me to say that going is a pain in the butt but once I get my meds straightened out on the first day, I think it will be alright. I am willing to go without a phone and laptop for a few days, though I don’t know if I can manage without my phone being at my side. But then I have to worry about my mother and her diabetes spells. I hope that it won’t happen while I am away. I usually don’t call my mother while I am in the hospital. I never do. I don’t know why that is.

distressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, suicide, suicide attempt

I know I have been writing more and more about my transgender issues and more of my identity crisis that I am. I am deeply distressed right now and don’t know what else to do but write. I started working on a blog for my 400th blog but the meds are interfering with my thought process. I took 2400 mg of neurontin to calm down the horrible burning pains in my foot that I have been experiencing all day. I just can’t take it anymore. I took some of my pain meds with the neurontin and I am kind of feeling kind of out of it but I still haven’t passed out yet. I think I will in a few minutes as I can barely hold my head up anymore as I am fighting the fatigue. I am just so damn upset over the stupid menses. I know that even if I get to my doc there is nothing really she could do. I will still have to wait at least three weeks to see if the next treatment works, that is if I stop bleeding. I would be ok if I would just stop bleeding. It so distresses me and usually I am able to handle it but now this is going on for almost three weeks and I am losing my handle on the rope that is holding me together. I think tomorrow if my flow is still the same I will stop the patch and see what happens. I don’t know what else to go. i will go a few days of not wearing the stupid fucker and see if that helps.

I am deeply suicidal and yet deeply concerned about someone who just wrote to me that she is planning her final affairs. There is nothing I can do to stop this lady, she has her mind set on killing herself. I don’t blame her. I really don’t. There is only so much pain you can take before you finally snap and have to do something to get rid of it. I have been where she is right now. She doesn’t have a good support system and I think she is mad at me in some way that I have abandoned her. I feel bad that I have not called her like I have said before but I just don’t feel like talking. I guess I am afraid of calling a stranger and letting her in my life. I am scared. I once got close to a member of the support group and then she just stopped contact. No more emails, no more phone calls, no messages returned. Nothing. I later found out through her husband that she just got tired of her condition that she became constricted and didn’t want to reach out anymore. It was too painful for her. I lost my friend to this horrible condition because she has the active form due to another dreaded condition that is worse than the other. I would name them but they are conditions that no one really understands. I might as well as be talking about the moon and the stars and how far away they are. I think they name them these big ass names so that no one can understand and push us further apart from the human race.

So Ms. M, if you are reading this, I am sorry that I failed you. I wish there was a way that I could stop you from doing what you are planning but I guess there is no way to stop you. Just like no one can stop me in my planning. I hope that we both succeed. I know that dealing with constant, excruciating pain and loss of bodily functions really suck. I know this first hand. I can’t stand it that someone so sweet could hurt so much and no one notice. It is not fair. But I understand. I really do.

tired of living

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

I am feeling blah today. I just finished taking a shower and though I feel refreshed, I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I have some time to get my coffee before my therapy appointment in a couple of hours but I just don’t feel like being rushed. Every time I do, I forget something, and usually the essentials, such as the keys to my house!

I responded to an email for my CESSG (Cauda Equina Syndrome Support Group) about physical therapy. I hope that the person doesn’t see a chiropractor. That is how all of my problems started. I think that if I was given adequate pain medication in the beginning of my back pain, I would not have gone to see a chiropractor or if I had stopped once the pain did I would not have ended up with CES. All the ifs that go through my mind, looking back.

I am especially feeling out of sorts today because I still have my fricken, goddamned menses. Just when I thought I was getting over it, it comes back in full force. I seriously am suicidal more so now than I was before. I just can’t take being a woman anymore. I have tried to stop the cycle and I am failing horribly. I am so sad. I hate being in this body. I never am going to be a man. And though I should be possibly reaching out for help, I just can’t. I just can’t bear talking about it with someone because I know I will just start bawling like a baby. Just writing about it is bringing tears to my eyes. It just is a deep emotional reaction. And even though I know there are other FTMs out there, I still feel alone. I just can’t cope with this anymore. I doubt that anyone really knows the frustration of dealing with this. I am trying to cope with it but how do you cope with something you know is WRONG?? I know I should probably go back to my reproductive endocrine doc and be like this isn’t working but why bother? She has been trying to stop this beast and has been unable to do so this past year. My confidence in her is down to nothing. I know I probably should go to the experts and see what they know but this Doc is the tops in her field. I don’t understand how hard it is to stop a fucking period. It just doesn’t make sense to me. And with every mense that I get, the closer I get to killing myself. I am done with it. I just want to die. I am in too much pain anyways. My foot was acting up soon as I woke up this morning. It’s sort of fine now as I took my pain meds.

I just am tired of living. Tired of trying to make sense of all this. I really don’t know what to do about my menses anymore. I wish it was easy to get through this but it’s not. Every time I wipe myself and there is blood I freak out. I just don’t understand why I am still bleeding. It’s been two weeks already. This is my third week. I was hoping it was getting less toward the end of the week but I was wrong. I really hate being like this. I hate feeling like a freak. And nobody understands that I am going to end my life because of it. I wish I knew what I was feeling but all I feel is hurt. I feel pain. I feel hate. Hate that I am not who my brain thinks I am. And I get weaker. I get more tired with each passing day. It just takes so much energy to deal with this. To wear underwear now that are made for females is just killing me inside. I might be called a masculine name but I am far from being it.