Category: blogging

Maybe If…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Stages of grief:
Denial and isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

I’m wondering if going through the stages of grief will help my mental state at all? I have been in denial for so long I don’t know if I can really go through it. But I know it will be an interesting topic for my therapist, if I ever show her my writings, and she actually reads them.

I’m reading Noonday Demon and it is reminding me that depression is a passing illness. What you feel today, you won’t feel tomorrow. I find this true and had forgotten it. Some can also be said of the suicidal mind.

I have been trying to make the reaction to suicide paper onger but it is difficult. I think I got to just rearrange the paragraphs so that it will be easier to write.

Maybe by starting out saying I am a multi-attempter who does feel like I am not glad to be alive yet I’m still here. Yet according to research, I should be dead. I wonder why I am stil here after so many failed attempts. I think most likely it is because I have lost confidence in my ability to end my life. It’s almost like a “why bother” reaction. I still don’t have the energy to go ahead with my plans and even though I thought it would be “easy” to hang myself off my porch, I have found that the stairs would be in the way. Another reason I’m still around. I should have done this months ago but I was too afraid of getting caught. And usually I wanted to kill myself after work on a Saturday night, where I know I most likely will not be found till Monday at some point. I had the perfect place picked out that was very secluded.

I guess I am a coward for not going ahead with the plans. And it sucks now that I have to live with this. I can’t die and I am not living. How to keep going, that is the problem and it makes me so sad.

I saw my PCP yesterday and to him I appeared cheerful. How I deceive people. I am so used to hiding what I feel to people, I guess I still have the knack of deception. The day before I was in the throws of horrendous pain and yesterday I am cheerful. Funny, I didn’t feel cheerful. My head was filled with suicidal thoughts so how can I be cheerful? I guess the most depressed is the most well hidden. I have always been able to hide my pain. Even as he was poking around my injured foot. I don’t know if he realizes the struggle I go through every day I am still here. No one does. Maybe I should look into other methods of self-destruction but I doubt I can go through with it so what is the point of thinking of another plan?

I often wonder what would happen in the aftermath of my death. Would I be missed? I often write a suicide note saying no one is to blame. The only person to really blame is myself. IF I had only done things differently-what I am not sure- Maybe I wouldn’t want to end my life. I just know that writing about it is the only escape I have left to me. Now wanted to hear about how suicidal I am anymore. I am sure my therapist would rejoice if I never mentioned suicide again in my sessions. Maybe if I don’t be so ope with them they will go away. This is something I have contemplated for a while now. But the fricken nitwit assesses my psychache most sessions so I cannot lie or betray her confidence in me that I will tell her my thoughts about killing myself. If I say no I have no thoughts I doubt she will believe me anyways. Every day for the past several years I’ve thought about ending my life. Some days I think about it more than others. Sometimes pain dictates the severity of killing myself and the need to escape from it. That is all I desire -> an escape from conscious or in a sleep state. Escape is the biggest reason for suicide. Escae from intolerable feelings of distress one constantly feels. In my case, I want to escape from the pain of living, emotionally and physically. It’s gotten to the point I can no longer distinguish between the two when taking a psychological pain scale assessment. I just wish the pain would stop. No one can find a way to relieve it. Icing/elevating/resting for the past year has not helped. It is very debilitating to be in pain yet it not be relieved but ordinary measures. And the worst part is being flip-flopped to other doctors. It’s the merry-go-round of health care. This doctor says it’s this, that doctor refers you to another doctor who refers you to yet another doctor and the answers are the same. Nothing is wrong with you that they can fix so it has to be coming from the back but even the neurosurgeon says there is nothing wrong. So why bother going to all these doctors anymore. While visiting my primary, he wanted me to go back to my physiatrist (doctor that specializes in muscles and joints). I am DONE seeing specialists. And besides this doctor moved her office to another site that I can’t get to. I don’t believe there is public transportation to her new office. I really liked this doctor too. She has been the most straight forward of all the other numbskulls I have seen. And besides, I know she is just going to say I have tendonitis. A tendonitis that flares up unexpectedly at times when I am at rest. Makes no sense. But then she’ll go back to the diagnosis of CRPS and I’ll be sent off back to my primary for pain management. And so the flip-flop goes.

Yesterday, I had some weird symptoms that I believe are from the anti-psychotic that I take to control my voices. It was liking I was having Parkinson’s symptoms. When I came home last night it wasn’t so bad, I didn’t take my regular dose and took some Ativan to calm me down as it was making me anxious. I emailed my pdoc to let her know and I still have not heard back from her. I see her on Friday anyways and other than me skipping and lowering my dose, there is nothing more that she can do. The only thing that sucks after this is that my hands feel fatigued.

I had a good night last night as I went out to dinner with some friends. Again the FB status that I posted came back to haunt me. That really pissed me off. I don’t understand why people take things so seriously and then can’t let it go. Isn’t it obvious I was having a bad night and couldn’t you just say you were sorry I having a rough time? But no…the part about me saying that no one cares is the foremost thing that should be talked about. This is what I posted “Everyone turn a blind eye to the pain I experience every day. So be it. When they ask for something I will just tell them no I can’t do it because of pain. Maybe then they will get the message. I am too tired of fighting all my thoughts are dark and no one cares or gives a shit” I don’t think I offended anyone or singled out any one person but apparently, I was not supposed to feel this way and post this. FUCK YOU, I will post what I want to post. Just like I will post whatever I feel with my blogs. The sad part is that a couple of close friends reacted to the status. Not one family member did. Shows you that you don’t have to be a blood relative to care.

UGH..another plan down the drain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide attempt

UGH For the first time in years, I am having a problem connecting to the internet at Starbucks! This sucks because I wanted to look up lyrics for my lyric book and hopefully work on my other book today. But now it looks like I will just work on my other book. And my blog.

I started thinking about what I was going to write. Last night I was too tired for the demons to come out. I actually thought I would be up will at least 2200 but I was a goner before that time. I was watching the movie Lincoln and really don’t know what time I passed out. The thing that sucked was that I woke up at 6:30 in the morning. I fell back to sleep after I had something to eat. Now I am having my coffee and I am contemplating what to have for lunch. I need to get some more Gatorade as I am running low. I have to take it with my meds as water sometimes causes some of the pills to dissolve quickly in my mouth and it is gross.

It is very difficult writing this book. I am all over the place with my thoughts. I still cannot connect to the internet while at Starbucks. I guess I will upload this when I get home.

I am feeling a little lost today. I was supposed to kill myself today. That was the plan for the longest time. And like I thought, I don’t feel like killing myself. But that doesn’t mean that I am not suicidal. I just feel like I let myself down, again. I don’t know why I bother saying I am going to kill myself if I am not going to go ahead with it. I think I am just the “cry wolf” so many times that I actually don’t think I am capable of killing myself despite coming up with elaborate plans to do so. All that planning has gone to waste. I find it depressing that I am not living yet I can’t die. I really wish my body would wake up and realize how dead I feel inside all the time. I can’t feel happiness. I can’t feel joy. All I feel is this emptiness inside that is killing me. I really feel that if my feelings were connected to my autonomic system, maybe I would have the chance of dying in my sleep.

I am fricken cold in the Starbucks today. I meant to bring a long sleeved t-shirt but I forgot it. I actually have no idea where my long sleeved t-shirts are. I think they are buried with my other winter clothes. I have an hour before the bus gets here. I just missed the one I could have taken but I really want to get a few pages of my book writing in.

I started re-reading the article on suicide reaction and it just further justifies the reasons why I should be dead and not living. I feel I have no future. I really thought I would be dead this weekend so I have stopped thinking about what the next few weeks will bring. Or months.

My writing friend has come up with giving rewards for writing as an incentive. My gift to myself this month is getting Luke Bryan’s new CD. And possibly Keith Urban’s new one as well. It all depends on what is left over after I pay my bills for the month. I hate budgeting. I feel like I need to get a job just to have spending money for the month. But as long as I am still owing money for my LTD, I can’t get a job. This so sucks. I don’t even know if I will be able to find a job. I have been out of work for a year now and even though I kind of like my new routine, it is pretty boring. My only respite is getting out for coffee each day, other than going out for doctors appointments. I just don’t know if I can handle the challenge of working again. I am so fearful that mentally I will have a breakdown because it will be too stressful or that the voices will be too much and I will have to quit. I really would love to work for Starbucks but I am not sure I can stand for eight hours or more. I know that I won’t be able to do stock because I can’t lift anything heavier than fifteen pounds. And I can’t bend over because of my back issues. I really just need a desk job but then I worry that I will have lose my insurance. I know I will lose it once the LTD stops. I will then have to go on the state plan and hope that my primary doc accepts it. I don’t know if I will have to pay for it. I hope I don’t because I am on disability. I also have been thinking of applying for food stamps because I can’t afford food shopping in my budget right now. I have been living off whatever my mother cooks and buys but it would be nice to have my own food, which she doesn’t like. Granted I buy the cold cuts that are “expensive” but it is what I like. Boar’s Head is not cheap but it is so good. I also like getting the PF Chang Chinese frozen dinners that you just heat up on the stove. Again my mother doesn’t like this but I do. It beats buying $20 (USD) of take out Chinese but the down side is no appetizers. But this month I plan on treating myself to Chinese because I didn’t kill myself. I think that is a good enough reason…

pain of emails at times

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

Midnight demons rise again

I was having a real painful night last night. The menses have stopped but the depression is still in full gear. I tried to stay “conscious” even though I was tired so that the demons didn’t come out and I sent some more good bye letters. I was doing fine until I couldn’t take the physical pain anymore and just posted a status on Facebook “everyone wants to turn a blind eye to the pain i experience every day. so be it. when they ask for something I will just tell them no can’t do it because of pain. maybe then they will get the message..I am too tired of fighting all my thoughts are dark and no one cares or gives a shit” . With me having posted this status, I was finally able to sleep. Then the interesting comments began. The latest one that I woke up to this morning is that one of my “friends” is going to kick my butt. WTH I don’t need that shit. I know she was joking, but come on! It so pissed me off and was so uncalled for. I wanted to reply a big FUCK YOU to her but what would be the point? I don’t remember posting the status anyway and it was how I felt at the time. I am just glad I didn’t email my psychiatrist like I really wanted to.

I did however write several pages to my therapist last night. I think the comp book is going to get filled up very quickly this week. I have been getting the itch to write. Sometimes it’s hard though because I don’t have a clear idea of what I want to say. Other times, once I do get started, it flows like a river. I don’t remember what I wrote about. Just some stuff that I wrote in my blog and how I was hoping that the midnight demons wouldn’t come out. Apparently, I was wrong. I am kind of pissed and I didn’t take my Neurontin this time around so it definitely is a psychological thing and not a medication thing. Like it would be that easy. After the Sox game is when I noticed I came apart. I just was really mad they lost again. And that the stupid fucking Rays won. We (Sox) still are in first place but I am not sure for how much longer if the Rays continue to win and we lose. I am getting very frustrated. But the bullpen just isn’t as strong as it was and the bats aren’t as hot as they were. It’s like both equations for the team have been null.

Anyways, so after the Sox game I noticed I got really tired and was going to go to sleep but I was playing my music and it was keeping me up, like fighting sleep up. I then had the urge to write something, anything. I really think that is when the demon came out. It didn’t take over completely, like it has in the past, as I was still trying to stay in control. But my mood just got wicked down and the pain in my foot and ankle went berserk. I think after my ankle and foot pain went nuts, so did I. I just lost control, hence why I posted that status on FB. But I felt better after I posted it and got some understanding responses. I didn’t get the rude response until this morning. I don’t get why people in pain respond that way. I don’t find it funny at all. And this person suffers from chronic pain too so I really don’t get it.

I still am feeling tired despite sleep most of the afternoon. My mother made some fish for supper so I had some of that. I really want some ice cream so I will probably go down to get it in a little bit, after I finish my writing.

My foot has been “good” most of the day, though now it’s fricken cold and hurts. This is not good because once it warms up, it will really WARM up. Even if I take my pain medication now, there is no telling that it will work or not. I have to wait till it warms up before taking the pain meds. I have tried taking the pain meds while anticipating and thinking it will lessen the pain but it doesn’t always work out that way. I really wish there was a pill I could take that would keep me pain free for at least 24 hrs. But there isn’t.

Last night I read a report about Gmail not being private anymore so I was off switching email accounts on my support group. I now use a Hotmail address for everything and I have several accounts that I have made over the years. My main email I have had since being with MSN in 2001. I recently have opened one specifically for my blog. This is so I know which account has the specific things I need. One is my personal, one is for my group, and then one is for my blog. I know it might sound weird but I like it this way. It’s just another organization system in my head. The trick though is remembering the passwords!! Because the group is yahoo and I hate using Yahoo mail, I had to log on, again. My email got corrupted once so I had to say my account was compromised to get a new password. Now I wrote it down in my journal so I know what it is should I have to go back into it. I hate Yahoo. But I guess if you have a strong password to begin with you are ok. My other passwords are the same or I try to keep them same if possible so they are easier to remember.

I am so excited that my menses have finally stopped. I would jump for joy but that probably would not be good for my ankle.

out of spoons, again

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Today I am supposed to meet up with a childhood friend. I have known this person since middle school, we lost touch after high school, then worked together in the lab at the local hospital. We became better friends while working together.

I got up earlier than I usually do today. My niece had some excitement this morning and startled me awake and I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I showered and got dressed, brushed my teeth. Now I feel like I could go back to sleep. Most of my spoons have been used up. I am hungry but I don’t know what I really want for breakfast yet. I still am debating going back to sleep to recharge myself.

I am feeling out of sorts today and not sure I know why. I had a good sleep before I was rudely awakened. I found a composition book for my therapist to write in while she is gone. I thought of writing in there before here but I don’t really feel like writing twice. I am feeling kind of depressed. My Sox lost last night and the stinking Rays won. Now they are three games behind us instead of four.

I really need to do something with my time. I am failing at cleaning my car to get some money for it. I don’t know why it is so difficult for me. I guess I just can’t do it because that will mean losing the car for good. And I don’t like it. I kind of fell in love with the car but I didn’t take good care of it. I should have replaced the struts when I was supposed to but it cost a lot of money. And it was either pay off this bill or fix the car. I never have been good at budgeting money. In fact, I down right SUCK at it. But I guess with me just getting paid one time a month, I am learning. As long as I have money for my Starbucks (which is the highest priority), I don’t really care for much else. I have been living off cereal this week. I wanted to make some eggs but it seems too much of an effort. I guess I am too lazy to make an egg sandwich. But there are a lot of effort to go through to make the sandwich. Stuff that usually came easy for me are now difficult because the depression is rearing its ugly head. I find that making the egg, though seemingly easy is hard for me to do. I can’t stand long enough to watch it on the stove and then to prepare the round thingy to make the egg round for an English muffin, to use a spatula to turn it over. I just get overwhelmed. I don’t know why that is. I have like anxiety or something all of a sudden. I don’t like scrambled eggs any more. I haven’t been successful in making them in a long time. I can easily make an egg sunny side up but it gets boring after a while. I rather just stick with cereal. Pour the cereal, pour milk, and you are done. And one dish and spoon to wash.

Just came home from meeting with my former lab mates. It was a good outing and though I had a LOT of coffee, I am tired now. I am completely out of spoons. I don’t think I will be catching the Sox game tonight. I might listen to it on the radio in a little bit but right now I just want to chill on my bed and listen to some music. I know part of the reason I am so wiped out is because of the dreaded menses. I swear they have taken away any energy out of me that I have had over the last few days. I think I might be anemic. I am glad I am seeing my doc on Monday. I’ll see if he will do a blood count and to see what my uric acid level is. I was discussing my foot problem to a friend and he said it could be gout. I doubt it is but maybe it could be a slight case of it. I just know that the bones behind my metatarsals hurt me in the morning and night now and it’s not fun! I don’t know if it is a bone thing or a tendon thing that is going on in my foot. They just say I have swelling and every other structure is fine. So what is causing the swelling?? No one knows. FRUSTRATING!

I also for some reason have no appetite the past few days. I have been eating but I don’t think I am nearly hitting the 1000 calorie mark that the body needs. That could be another reason why I am so pooped. But I don’t feel like eating and I am not hungry. I should maybe have a protein bar for my supper tonight. All I had today was a piece of cornbread and half a pound cake loaf. And did I mention I had a lot of coffee??? Despite the coffee I am still exhausted. I just hope I don’t get my second wind because it might be another all nighter. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow so I could stay up all night but that just is inviting trouble to happen. I really don’t want Mr. Hyde to show his head again. My psychiatrist has been on my mind lately and I DON’T want to send her off one of my good bye letters. I will be involuntarily committed. And that is not something you can just say “My psychiatrist is nuts and is lying about what she is saying”. Been there, done that, didn’t work! Fricken spent two weeks in the hospital until THEY thought I was fit to go. I hated it.