Category: cauda equina syndrome

Morning Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Morning Pain

I woke up about a half hour ago in pain. My hip is on fire. It didn’t like the position I was in, though I was not sleeping on it. I was more on my back than my hip but it didn’t matter. The pain is changing my mood and I don’t like it. I know this pain is temporary. I know it will go away eventually, but I am starting to lose hope that it will. I have been in pain since before Dec 1st. That is already more than two weeks, maybe three that this pain has been awful. I know once I start moving around it goes away, a little bit. But waking up to it, is another fucking story. I woke up a few minutes before 0200, went back to sleep and now I am still in pain. I guess the pain meds that I took at 0200 wore off. I am so aggravated! Then trying to maneuver my body so I can get up and write and take more pills just kills me. I am going to call my physiatrist today and see if he can recommend something for the pain. I don’t want to be on another fucking pill but would like some advise as to when this pain is going to heal and I think he would be better than my PCP in helping me figure it out.

Last night I was really beside myself. I didn’t want to take my night medication. Have over 8 pills to take. Three blood pressure pills, antidepressant, mood stabilizer, two anti-spasmotics, stomach pill, vitamin D, anti-inflammatory, allergy pill, OCP, and my anti-psychotic pill. This doesn’t include my pain meds or my Ativan. It like taking a meal of meds. When I was in the hospital, it was worse. One of my blood pressure pills they split in half, so instead on one 40 mg pill, I took two 20 mg ones. I would be at the nurses station a good while, taking each pill, two or three at a time. It was maddening. And my mood stabilizer they didn’t have the 600 mg tabs so I again got 2 pills, 300 mg each. I hated taking my meds every night because it took me so damn long to take all the pills. Now, I take just as many but more pill counts. I can’t win and it is depressing me. I remember before CES, I was just taking one or two pills a day for my mental illness. Either I was taking an antidepressant and my antipsychotic or I was just taking the antidepressant. After CES, I remember taking up to 20 tablets a day!! It was ridiculous. That was because I was taking my pain medication like four times a day plus my anti-inflammatory pill. Once I found out that they had an extended release pill, I got on that. I love this pill because it helps with my arthritic pain and usually my back. I think it has lost its effectiveness on me because I don’t get the relief I once did. I think if it continues, I might have the physiatrist switch me to another one and see how that works. I will still be taking a pill, but at least it might work better in relieving my pain. I was reluctant to do this back in October when I first met the guy, but since having this new onset of back pain, I am will to try something else, it would help me.

Ankle has now started hurting and I have not even put ANY type of pressure on it. I didn’t stand on it. I just sat up in bed. The stupid mysterious pain that I get every single time I wake up in the morning. ARGH!! Right now, my ankle pain doesn’t hurt as much as my back hip pain. I really am having terrible thoughts of hurting myself with all this pain. I just want it to end but I don’t think it will. I am losing help that this temporary pain is going to last. But I will say that as long as I can wipe my butt, I am happy. It’s when I can’t do that, I get worried that something more serious is going on. But like I have said before, the pain isn’t radiating down any of my legs or into my butt. I don’t have any problems with my bowels or bladder that are worse than my usual. I don’t have any new numbness or tingling in any of my lower extremities or genitals. I have nothing that would suggest that this is a disc problem, though it very well could be, but it is highly unlikely. I always am on the lookout for CES symptoms whenever I get back pain and it doesn’t go away. I am always worried that I will get acute CES again whenever my back flares up. For more information about this, check out my CES 101 page at the top.

I really wish I had a therapy appointment with my therapist today. I really could use the extra support in dealing with my father and this fucking pain. It is draining me so much. Not only am I waking up early in the morning, but once I am up, I usually am up. I don’t usually go back to sleep until later in the morning but I can’t today because I have to deal with my father. Least I don’t have to take a shower this morning because I took one last night before turning in. I was pretty exhausted. I had pork and my GI system doesn’t seem to tolerate the meat anymore. It just went right through me. Thankfully, I didn’t have any accidents. I took some Immodium to ease the gas and stop the runs. I really didn’t want to spend the night on the toilet.

Long Day With Little Sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression

I wanted to blog yesterday but I was so tired from being up early that it just slipped my mind. I took a nap around 1700 and I was toast after that. Course that meant I woke up around 0430 this morning. I had to be up early anyways because my father had his surgery today. Everything went kind of well, though he still is leaking fluid and the docs don’t know why. They put in a drain to suck out the fluid and are hoping for the best. We’ll find out tomorrow whether he will be able to go home. I am hoping not because I know my father is not going to put up with the drain and it will be a disaster at home. It just isn’t going to happen!

I am so tired that all I want to do is take a shower because I didn’t wear a diaper today. That whole concept escape my mind and I ended up leaking, which left me smelling like an old urine cup. I know I also shit myself a little bit because my ass has been burning since my bowel movement. Got to love CES and damaged nerves. Tomorrow I have to go back to the hospital early so that I can talk with the doctor about keeping my father until the fluid situation is taken cared of. It will mean another long day at the hospital and I am just dreading just thinking about it.

My mother kept my dinner but I am not hungry. My sis bought me a tea and I guess you can say that was my dinner. If I get hungry later I will just make some eggs. I haven’t had anything to eat since around noon time when my father came out of surgery. I am so damn beat I don’t feel like eating anything. I just want to shower and sleep.

One positive thing today was that I wrote a few pages for my next book. I was so happy to be writing again. Tomorrow I will write some more, I hope. Depends on if I have the time and inclination while visiting my father. Sometimes it is not easy to write or read with him because he has to bug you while you are doing it. He is just an ornery bastard. I really can’t stand him.

I seemed to have developed a damn dry cough the last few days. It is annoying as all hell and I know it’s because I haven’t been sleeping good and just am run down. I also have the damn sniffles that won’t go away despite taking an antihistamine and Nyquil. Been three friggen weeks now that I have been like this but all the discharge has been clear so I don’t have an infection. It’s just annoying to deal with.

My sister has got my mother’s finesse for shopping. After the hospital, we went to the grocery store for milk. She bought quie a few extra items. I only bought what I went in there for, my Powerade and some half and half for my coffee. I really wanted to get some other items but I am low on cash because of my damn prescriptions. I still have two to get and can only afford one. I am hoping my cousin sends me my birthday card early so that I don’t run out of one before my next paycheck. Otherwise I will have to borrow money from my sis. I really need to find a part time job. When I visited my old workplace while at the hospital, they were begging me to come back. I really wish I could be back. I miss the place so much as much it annoyed me at times with the idiot phone calls we got. But I like my coworkers some of the time. I just can’t work right now, least not there, because I am still not able to walk long distances without pain. Which reminds me, I forgot to call my physiatrist today. Could have done that will all the waiting I was doing with my father. I am an idiot. Oh well, another call for Monday!

I can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I can’t sleep

I had another sneeze attack today that left me in more pain than I was. So another setback. This sucks because I can’t move. Just turning in bed hurts me. Sitting hurts me so I try and do as little of that as possible. Which means I don’t spend as much time playing my game or on Twitter as I would like. I really haven’t been on Twitter other than to update saying my back is caput. This has been going on for almost a week now. I was doing better before the sneeze attack. Now I have to continue to rest it to feel better.

I have no new symptoms that would worry me that I need to see a doc ASAP. I have no weakness, loss of bowel or bladder (no more than usual), or new numbness. In other words, no red flag symptoms of CES. I am glad because I really don’t want to have another surgery. I think this is just muscle related more than anything. I just wish the muscle relaxants that I have been taking would work enough to ease the pressure a little bit. I have been taking two different medications and I still have not found relief, though all it does it make me sleepy. I somehow lost two pounds with me not getting around as much but that is because I haven’t been eating as much either. I just am not hungry at times. I think I am down to just two meals a day and that is all. So I guess that is good and that I am not starving at the end of the day. My appetite has been decreased. I really don’t feel like eating because the movement hurts too much and because I am depressed, I don’t really know what I want to eat. It just is so difficult when it shouldn’t be.

I am so very tired but I can’t sleep because of pain. I really can’t wait to have my therapy session on Tuesday. I would ask for a Monday appointment but she usually doesn’t have one available. I just feel the need to talk. Next week is my father’s surgery. I hope my back is better by the end of next week or it’s going to be tough. I also have my eye appointment but I will put that off too if I can’t get around. I am not going to push through it like I usually do. I will for my father’s surgery but not for my eye appointment. I am glad I have my pain medication but it doesn’t seem to be helping with the pain so I am not using too much of it. I really wanted to go out and get a latte today but after the trip to Walgreens to pick up my prescription, I was in agony.

It’s 1 am and I still am not tired enough to sleep. I feel really depressed that I am awake. Lately, I have been having the feeling of a weight on my chest. I think I know some of it has to do with my financial situation right now and trying to finagle how I am going to get my meds for the month. I have three I have to pick up tomorrow. Then I have to refill my bp medication. I am almost out of that. It will not last another month. I can try and stretch it out but the way my blood pressure has been running, I don’t want to chance it. Funny how it is lousy at home but at the doctor’s office it is normal. Drives me crazy. Maybe I do need a new machine. I want to get a wrist one but those are $45. I think I will be able to afford that next month. I had to pay extra for my cable and cell phone bills because I was behind on them. I still am trying to play catch up without having to rob Peter to pay Paul. I really would like a job that I get at least a 100 bucks a week. But with my back and leg issues, I don’t see how I can be working.

At least I am not suicidal or planning my death. I still want to be dead though. I just don’t have a reason to live. Voices have picked up a little bit. They have been nagging me to write this or that. Luckily I can type and they don’t bother me as much. They can be so nosey at times!

Serious Pain 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Serious Pain 2

Going on day 2 of not being able to move. Back has seized up making it difficult for any movement. This sucks so bad. I did okay going to my appointment until the last bus I was on stopped short and set off a pain attack. That was fun as I could hardly move to get off the bus. Then walking home from the bus stop took me forever because I was walking short strides, hunched back. I felt like an old crooked man walking down the street.

Well, I didn’t think it was going to be possible, but I am finally tired of listening to 1989 after listening to it straight for a week. I am listening to “Springsteen” by Eric Church right now. It is refreshing to listen to some old music.

This cold still won’t let me be. My throat is still sore and I am congested. Luckily, I haven’t moved to the cough phase of the cold and I hope I don’t as that will surely delay my back getting well.

I had a quick appointment with the NP today. I just told her I needed a refill on my pain meds and she briefly looked at my ankle and wrote up the script. Then she asked for a urine sample. Shit. I couldn’t go so I will have to give one on my next visit. If I had the time to get my coffee, I probably could have gone but there was no way I was going to waste spoons getting it while my back is out of commission.

I heard the verdict for the Ferguson case. I hope that people there stay safe.

I have therapy tomorrow and for once, I am glad that I don’t have to get out of bed to have it. I could barely get undressed when I came home this afternoon. I still am in a lot of pain as I am writing this. What is worse is that I cracked my back when I was getting in bed after I had my dinner. I don’t know how I did it. But man did it hurt. I haven’t been in this much pain since my before my surgery in 2006. I hope I didn’t do anything to my discs. I hope it is just a muscle spasm that will go away with rest and medication. But even though I don’t really do anything all day, it still is hard just to lay down and do nothing. Sitting while playing with my laptop brings me some pain but nothing like standing and walking does.

It was in the 60s today. I am really hot in my flannel PJs and want to change but that will require spoons that I don’t have anymore. So I am just going to stay in them with the covers off. I have to get my wedge to put my feet up. I know that will relieve the pressure on my back and take some off so I can feel a little better. But I don’t know if I can stand up again to grab it. I wish I had someone to get it for me, even though it is just a foot and half from my bed. I was able to reach it with my grabber!! Whoohoo!! I love this thing! It is the best invention ever!! Now I just hope that I can lay on my back with my feet up for the rest of the night. I doubt it because I am such a side sleeper but even if I rest with my feet up for a few hours, that should give me enough relief.

It’s getting late and I think I should be getting to bed. I don’t think I can sit any longer. So thank you for reading.