Category: cauda equina syndrome

PT and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, writing

Seen my physiatrist (muscle and bone doctor) today. He said that the physical therapy that I was doing was not going to help, nor what he wanted. He wants me to come to his site so I agreed. He wants some kind of steroid ultrasound done on my ankle and then after 4 weeks of this, I start aqua therapy. Fun. I just hope I can go in with a t-shirt and swim trunks because I do not have a tank top or other “female” bathing suit.

I feel lousy but not as bad as I was yesterday. I just had a sneeze session so I am feeling worn out, especially after the morning activities. I canceled my eye appointment yesterday afternoon and rescheduled it for after Thanksgiving. I just hope that I will have a copay for them when the time comes. Their new policy to pay them after every visit. I can get billed but I didn’t pay my last bill because I don’t have the money for it. I think copays are a waste of money anyways. But I got two weeks to worry about it.

My mood has been okay for the past twenty-four hours and I think my pain is better too, though it is throbbing right now. I had to go to the first floor to heat up some chili for lunch. Our microwave has been broken the last few months so we need to go the my sister’s apt if we need to use the microwave. Sucks but it’s better than heating on the stove!

Throat is still hurting me, though I think it is because of the sneeze attack I had a few minutes ago. I really hope my mood stays stable today. It will really suck if it doesn’t.

Got some good news today. People who are at elevated risk of suicide can participate in research without increasing their suicide risk, according to the authors of a recent study. I love this! This may improve the quality of care that more people can now participate in research studies and get the help that they need.

I don’t have any therapy until Tuesday. That is good, I think. I am hoping to continue with 2x a week. Course, this all depends on how well my suicidality is. The more I am suicidal, the more sessions I get. It is better than going in the hospital.

My suicidality has been low the past few weeks, though I still wouldn’t mind dying. I just feel like I have no purpose in my life and that I don’t do anything worthwhile. I don’t even know if my blogs help anyone because nobody comments on them anymore. I keep writing, though, because it helps me to write. I know I might not help anyone or if I do, they don’t tell me and that is okay. But not having feedback day in and day out kind of sucks. So if you are reading this and want to comment, please do so, if you are inclined, so that I know someone read the last sentence of this blog.

#TS1989 Day 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

TS1989 day 4

This is the 4th day that I have been listening to 1989. I can’t stop listening to it. Every song is my favorite and I think I am starting to know the lyrics by now. “Clean” is moving up to be the top favorite

For the first time in forever, I slept more than 8 hours last night. I woke up at 0830. I never wake up at that time. It’s usually 0730 or earlier. But I bet because I have to get up early tomorrow, I have a crappy sleep tonight. I will try not to go to bed too early, but I took a nap after I had breakfast. Not a good idea. Right now I feel so sleepy, I could go back to sleep. I am just so sleepy today and I don’t know why.

I am looking forward to meeting up with a dear friend of mine tomorrow afternoon. I am hoping that we can have a quick lunch before he has to go but if we just have coffee, that will be cool. We haven’t met up in so long because his schedule and my schedule have been conflicting. I still have to call his office and reschedule my eye appointment. I think I will have it done the week after Thanksgiving. But I get to hit Starbucks twice in one day so I am happy about that.

I took a short walk to Walgreens to pick up my meds and now my ankle is hurting me as if I walked 3 miles. I was doing so good pain wise and now it is back. I don’t get why I am hurting. I think the baclofen is helping decrease the pain some but it doesn’t take away all of the pain that I feel. I did stand more than 10 mins yesterday at the restaurant while waiting to be seated at our table. I was expecting to be in horrendous pain but I wasn’t. Now, the short walk set it off. And by short, I mean a block and a half. I did have to stand a little bit in the store but not too long. I was kind of disappointed that one of my medications was out of stock. I hope they are able to get it tomorrow. I will be in real trouble if they don’t carry it anymore. I will have to switch to another medication and I really don’t want that. I have been on this medication for years and I have found it works really well for my arthritis and back pain issues. My physiatrist wanted to switch me to a different NSAID when we first med but I deterred. We’ll see if my script gets filled this week or not. If it doesn’t, I will switch to a new medicine when I see my doc on Friday.

Game Rant: I completed three missions the other day. It took me months to complete so I was feeling proud of myself. Then Zynga squashed it by giving me 13 new missions! I was pissed. I still am because it is probably going to take till Easter to finish them all. But I a glad they are not repeatable. I hate repeatable missions because they just take so long. Right now I got one that is for mushroom soup. You need 15 but you need 4 soups with green beans to make 1. It totally pissed me off and you have to do this 4 times!! I don’t know why I keep playing this game. I used to find it fun, and sometimes I still do as it gives me something to do. But its laborious and if I was working, there would be no way I could do the missions. I would be stuck. I’m lucky that my new neighbors do help me out. I have like 250 neighbors but I think only 60 play regularly. My neighbors always talk about blocking people but I have no idea how to do that and I am not going to post on someone’s wall and say can you please block the game because you aren’t playing anymore. I kind of like having them around because I can gift them my excess things.

My cousin was supposed to buy my book yesterday but she never made it to my house. She had to work late. I am kind of nervous about her reading my book. I just hope she isn’t judgmental. It will really suck. Right now you can get my book for 99 cents on Kindle. Link is here

Saturday Blog 14

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Saturday Blog 14

I know I should be watching the OSU game but it’s a tight match between Michigan State and I hate watching nail biting games. I am keeping track of the game via Twitter and my CFB app. It gives me updates of the scores at the end of each quarter.

Another day in which all I did was sleep. I made pancakes today for lunch and I guess the carbs knocked me out. I have been full since and have not had dinner. I just am not hungry.

I have a full week of stuff to do this coming week. Tuesday is a full day. I have PT and then therapy. In the evening, I have my Godmother’s 90th birthday party to go to. I am hoping that PT doesn’t tire me out too much or hurt me. I have a day of rest the following day. Then Thursday I have an appointment with my father that is bright and early. I hate early appointments. I still have to figure out what bus to take to get there. I think I know what it is but I am not sure. And I hate the hospital he is going to. I wish he would just wait and have the surgery where he is scheduled but no. He doesn’t want to wait. Well, the day is coming as we are waiting for these other bozos to evaluate him. It’s so frustrating! Drives me up a wall. Then Friday, I am to pick up my niece. Saturday is my sister’s birthday and we most likely will be going out to dinner somewhere. I haven’t been told where, just to show up, which is typical. I told my other sister that I am broke and she says she got me so I guess that makes me feel a little better. But it still kills me that I have no money to even buy her a card. I feel so bad. But then, I really don’t believe in getting cards for birthdays and such. It is a waste of money as they see them, maybe read them, then they go in the trash. No one saves them. Just a waste.

I still have not thought much about the assignment my therapist gave me the other day. I think she gave it to me to try and combat my negativity toward myself. But I am so pessimistic that I don’t think anything can get through my head but negativity. I still see it as a futile exercise. I guess I am hoping I will get into a hopeful mood and do it one day.

I haven’t taken my nighttime meds yet. I don’t know what I am waiting for. It’s getting late and I should take them now rather than wait. I just don’t feel like getting up from my comfy bed. Besides, I want to stay up and listen to the rest of the football game. My meds will knock me out within an hour and I know the game will still be playing. Course, I am tired so taking them now will put me to sleep shortly and I don’t want that.

Lately, I have been thinking of things related to death. I wonder what will happen if I were to die. It’s the same thoughts I have been having for a while now. I struggle with not giving in to them. I haven’t planned my death or anything. But I still think about the thoughts I had while I was in the hospital and wonder if I would be able to go through with them. So far NONE of my plans have made it past the thinking and preparing stage. But that is always what I do. I think, I plan, and it goes no where. Usually because I get derailed by my therapist or if my psych is involved, I go in the hospital. It is going to be a rough two months just having contact with my psych via email. And so far, I have been having a one way conversation with her. I send her email but don’t get a response. So frustrating!

I haven’t heard anything about the reviews yet. I keep checking the website and I noticed there were more attempt survivor stories there. I hope my book gets picked.

random 432

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, writing

Seeing as I am up and will soon take a nap, I thought I would write a little bit. My day has been productive. I went to my niece’s school to drop off her violin and then went shopping for my powerade. I underestimated how heavy the load will be. I know I am going to be sore tomorrow. And I just realized, I never wrote a blog for yesterday. Guess I will have to write one later, if I feel up to it.

I had therapy yesterday morning. I was really sleepy for most of the day. I actually slept most of the afternoon as I wasn’t feeling well. Bozo was in rare form yesterday. She still wanted me to write an affirmation blog about myself. She should know by now that I never write about myself, least not in a positive way. I just am not comfortable with it. I had an anxiety attack while talking with her about it. I don’t know why I got nervous talking to her. She then said that it was because of “conflict” that I was having the anxiety. I don’t know what that means. We talked about how I felt like I was letting her down by not doing this assignment. I nearly almost always, do what ever her little brain thinks of. But I have a problem with this assignment because I don’t think I am a valued member of society anymore. I feel rotten. All I feel is down and depressed. Nothing really helps my mood. I thought the antidepressant was working but I think it stopped. I don’t even know if it is doing anything but keep the weight on me.

It is cold in my room and it is going to get colder. I still haven’t removed the AC in my room. It is probably still wet from all the rain yesterday so I really don’t want to bring it in until it dries. I hate feeling cold, even though I love it better than heat. I rather be cold than hot, but not freezing cold! I have to put on slipper socks because my feet are getting really cold and my ankle is already whining.

I watched the CMA awards today. I didn’t turn into a Miranda Lambert night as I thought it was going to be. Kasey Musgraves won and the entertainer of the year award was presented by Garth Brooks, won by Luke Bryan and I cried tears of joy, literally. I was so happy for him. And it was great seeing Garth again. I miss seeing him on stage. I hope he will come back to Boston soon. I would surely love to see his concert. I also love the fact that people actually counted how many dresses Carrie Underwood wore during the show. It is too funny. I am like who cares or she changed again, big deal!

I should have made coffee today. I am so tired that I can go to sleep. I don’t know why I have been so tired lately. Last night, I was all achy and felt like I was catching a cold or something. Today, I am just sleepy. Probably from hauling all that powerade home. But I am set for the week and I was glad it was on sale for less than a dollar. I got more for my money, though I really wanted to buy some oatmeal so I could make oatmeal pancakes. I used the last of it and my mother nor I have not replaced it. She did buy the individual packets of oatmeal but they are flavored so I can’t really cook with them. So frustrating because I love the pancakes. It is such and easy recipe, much like the one my mother makes. Actually if you take out the oatmeal and add another ½ cup of flour, you will have the original pancake recipe. But looks like my mother is making pasta with sauce tonight. Maybe I can get her to make pancakes tomorrow morning.

I sent my therapist my last blog post and she didn’t read it. I was going to ask her if she did, but I knew from our conversation that she didn’t. I don’t know why that bothers me but it does. I know she probably didn’t check her messages before we spoke, which is most likely the case. I wanted her to know how bad I was doing and my explanation of why I couldn’t do her assignment. I am not doing it out of deviance. I really think that I have no positive qualities worth writing about other than being smart. But being smart only gets you so far.

I have not been to Starbucks in almost three weeks now. I really need to get back to my routine of leaving the house and getting coffee every day. I knew buying coffee for home was going to make me more of a hermit than I was expecting. Some days I don’t even make coffee. I don’t really “need” it but it is nice to have at home. As long as I have cream, I am all set. I will try and go out tomorrow. I miss the atmosphere and the smell of coffee being grounded. Nothing beats that smell. My coffee still smells like being freshly grounded. It’s so hard going out because I no longer have a coffee that I like at Starbucks and my latte drinks are really expensive now that I can’t really stand paying nearly 5 bucks for one. But I know they are expensive because milk isn’t cheap anymore.